nikonsville's Xanga

cursed again

Sat, 30 Jun 2007 21:27:58 GMT

havent been in the mood to hide from society for a while... its an unfamiliar feeling that i thought wasnt a part of me anymore but here it is... plaguing my existence like a bleak and searing torturous festering sore inside of me blackening out my heart from the dim light it took so long to build inside of myself i hate myself with every bit of myself... i wish so hard i could be anybody in this sick sad world but me but every time i wake from my coma slumber i am still me, i am nobody, i am nothing.... what does one do when they wake up from their happiness and find themselves back in their same old sorrow??? what do you do when you remember you want to die, when you remember the oh so familiar feeling of pain??? im so sick of the teeter totter bullshit existence so sick of the ups and down... and at the same time i realize its all part of the plan, just another part of the sick fucking joke that is life on this shithole of a planet... we are guaranteed nothing but death for all our hard work... fuck it all, fuck me, fuck you, fuck everything you pretend to believe in, belief will just give you feelings of betrayal... the tao is the way, the way of life, the way of death, the secrets to nature, of balance but balance is the problem sometimes... all i had was all i wanted, and now all i have is slipping through the hourglass, waiting to be reset and flipped over again... they say the truth shall set you free, but its just another lie, the truth will just serve as a death note, the truth just shows how trapped we all are in this world of pain and suffering and hollow self righteousness... be who you want to be??? how??? all i want is to not be me... all i want is not to breathe... god save your tortured child... have mercy on my black soul... let me have back the light you stole from me you sick bastard...

look for me on hbo

Sun, 03 Jun 2007 12:57:38 GMT

its funny... i went to see my favorite comedian last night for his hbo special taping, JIM NORTON is the funniest most innaproiate comedian since richard prior... i got tickets to his taping and hightailed it to go and see him perform... it was the first time i had seen him live, i fell in love with his comedy on OPIE AND ANTHONY where he is the third chair and have wanted to see him live for a while... so last night was special for me...

i get to the lincoln theater in washington dc for the taping and get inside and i am on the upper row in the front row and i get up to ask the hbo house guy who is working the seating if i can get downstairs to the fourth row where their are five seats empty... well i get down front and the lady who seats me says "DO NOT TALK TO THE PEOPLE I AM ABOUT TO SIT NEXT TO YOU" so i go ok i could care less who sits next to me, im in the fucking fourth row... well then right before the opening act comes out they finally fill the four seats next to me and its fucking opie and anthony and their girlfriends SITTING RIGHT NEXT TO ME!!! fucking dream... its me, lindsey who is opie's girl, anthony and then his girl on the end... i met them shaked their hands and spent the show laughing with my hero's while watching jim KILL with comedy for an hour and a half... it was surreal and amazing... definately a high point...

so look for me on hbo since i am pretty sure i will be on when they run the special, but just dont expect much, im just a hairy black guy in a polo shirt laughing like a school girl...

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Tue, 17 Oct 2006 01:29:50 GMT

all about me

for those of u who wonder, for those of u who have asked, for those of u who care, and for those of u who dont give a shit... what follows is a look, honest and uncutting, inside my head... so if u dont want to know stop reading now... i just want to air out my tainted soul if u like it great, if u dont i couldnt possibly care less...

My real name is robert brown, but i almost never use that name, i changed it years ago and havent looked back, the only people allowed to call me by my real name is my family, and thats just because i cant get them to stop... i stopped using my name over two years ago maybe three or four becasue i was no longer the same person i used to be... for the noobs, i am bipolar, bipolar type 2 to be specific, and type 2 cyclothymic bipolar to be exact... which means my moods change at their own will for any and or no reason, thats the bipolar bit, type 2 means i spend more time depressed then manic (happy), about a 80/20 split... the cyclothymic means my moods change rapidly, often violently from one pole to the other with no warning...

when i was younger, i am 25 now, i used to fuck with people, mind games, pitty trips, just for fun... i was a fucked up kid, but since i was unhappy i wanted everyone else to be unhappy... how unhappy??? i spent high school living in a mental hell where while walking to the bus stop i coould burst into tears for no reason... ive spent the better part of myn life (being bipolar as since aroung 7-8 years old) wishing i was dead, and when i dont wish death apon myself i used to wish it on others, and not just death, sadistic tortureous death, like being boiled alive till ur skin came off like they used to do to ninjas as a start...
the reason i changed my name is becasue while in a deep depression a few years ago i decided to change the way i was living, and when i changed the person i was (from being a self centered, hatefull, spitefull looser, to not being a looser, and trying to help others) i changed my name... i wish i could say this change was inspired by a want to be a better human, but it was more of a relegious experience, now i think it might have been a halucination as i no longer truely believe in god, and if he does exist i hate him, and he either hates me or pretends i dont exist, or he just has a sick fucking sence of humor...

i use to live in a world i created, by hurting those who cared about me, by hurting myself, by hating myself and everything about me, and by lying and cheating to get what i wanted or get ahead... after my "awakening" i decided to put my intilect (very high iq indeed) to better use then finding ways to hurt those who had hurt me or my friends... i became overly compassionate and caring, i blazed out to help others wherever i could, anyone i knew who needed anything of or from me got it, usually at my own happiness' expence... in real life im extremely non violent, although i still imagine bad people's horrible demise, i would never set it in motion, well almost never, i think rapist, child molesters and cerial killers should be killed in the most horrific way humanity can imagine as those people arnt human and dont deserve an easy death... i dont believe in sympathy, i believe the only help for others is to empathize, if u cant feel where a person is, or has been u cant truely say "i know how u feel" being bipolar i have the joy, as most bipolars do, of being able to experience the entire range of human emotions in under an hour, if u dont think its possible i pray u never find out the truth behind my words...

im now the town shrink to my friends, everyone brings their problems to me, and i stick by them till said problem is solved... but im powerless with my own issues so i ignore them till they threaten to harm me, which always screws me in the end, but i know no other way... after years of lying to others and to myself i awoke to who i truely had become, and i hated him with all my heart... after years of change i finally semi like myself, sometimes... i have undying loyalty to any person i call a friend, and to my family, i would die for them all, although as i dont particulary value my life that doesnt say much...

for those of u who spend the most time on ts and in game with me u will know some nights are worse then others... thats just me being me, im always an asshole, i own up to anything i do, but when my moods change i lash out more to those who annoy me, as most of us do... if im being quiet in ts, trust me its for my and ur own good... i hate it when people constantly ask if im ok... if u think something is wrong ur prolly right, and if i dont tell u about it, then i dont want to talk about it so just fucking drop it... talking about an issue doesnt fucking make it better, especially when ur bipolar, it makes u obsess over it, thus making it worse... ive never met a stupid bipolar, and i have met many bipolars, so all in all if something is wrong with us, just let it be unless we bring it to u...

i have a five month old son, john raymond... he's the only reason i suffer through life... although i am prolly bound to scar him with my presence, i would rather give him a reason to hate me by being around then be like my father and never be there thus making me hate him for no reason other then the fact that i dont know him, an no longer want to... i basically want to give my only son a chance to have a better reason to love or hate me, but at least i will always be there for him... he is the only thing keeping me alive, the only thing i am convinced i have ever done right in this wretched world, i just hope he doesnt go through what i went through, he would be blessed if he had my since of humor, and openness, just without the underlying seething hatred for hisself... my only fear is that some day i will convince myself that i will do him more harm then good and be left with no reason not to pull the trigger... as i have said in other post, if or when i kill myself, it will definately be by gunshot to the head, its the most effective... slitting ur wrist is for emo's goths and others who seek attention, drowning is too involved, jumping from buildings is for people who want to make a grand statement, im not an emo or a goth, im lazy, and im too shy to make a grand statement... yes i said shy, deep down i am extremely shy, all outwardness u see in me is overcompensation for the weakness of shyness...

i no longer bother lying to others, or myself... i dont have the time... its not cause i wasnt good at it... cause i was, i have a superb memory, and could remember every different lie i told each person, but to those who still lie, u shouldnt, the more u lie the more u start to believe ur own lies, and thats where u start to loose urself... and thats not worth it... i will tell the truth even if i know it will hurth myself or others, if i know u wont like what i have to say ill wanr u first, then if u ask again ill let it all out, but hey at least u were warned right???

im prolly the best friend u could ever have, loving, giving, sharing, kind, and considerate... just not modest... im selfish to a fault, and in my selfishness i will do anything to make myself feel better, this is good only cause helping others makes me fell better about myself... i know its wierd, but its me so deal with it...

some day this life will be over, and when it is i can rest and be happy, till then i am cursed with being me... we all have our crosses to bear, but at least i dont have to carry it through a crowd and be nailed and die on it...

peace love and happiness to all...

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Wed, 08 Feb 2006 18:43:41 GMT

ok so i am just me... and that is all i can be... i dont like being judged but i dont truely spend time giving a damn what people think of me... i am black, but i act more like a white person... the previous line just means i an responsible, make good money, speak somewhat properly, and listen to mostly alternative, industrial and heavy metal music, and i am gonna take care of my kid when he gets here instead of bein a broke ass loser who dumps his kid with its mother and never supports it...

im a straight talker who doesnt mind offending people, in fact sometimes i fucking enjoy offending people... i believe that people need to stop being so damn easily offended, so what i kicked ur infant when they were tryin to learn to walk, they would've tripped eventially neway...

im bipolar, aparently very bipolar, my moods change like a pre menstrial fourteen year old, and i appear to have a borderline personality disorder... i can be happy one second and mad, sad, angry, depressed, homicidal, or even suicidal the next... i have thought many times about killing myself, graphically, in detail, ive come seconds away from doing it, never followed through though, im such a fuckup sometimes i dont think i could handle screwing up killing myself... i have incredibally low self esteem, and most of the time i think that i am shit... but i overcompensate these feelings when they're around by pretending i think highly of myself, or focusing on the few things that i know that i can do well... in slight relation to that i am a sex freak... i would say that i am a sex addict but im not addicted, but i would like to be...

my first time was with someone i didnt care at all about besides the fact that she was a friend of mine, i only fucked her cause she wanted to, and it made me feel special that she wanted to fuck me, then i learned she was a slut, but of well i got off.... right???

i dont like people, people annoy me easily, the few people i dont find instantly annoying are usually also the only people who dont instantly find me annoying... but even then i usually believe that they want something from me and that is the only reason they come around me untill i really get to know them... been walked on quite a bit...

i have a fuck the world attitude, but oh well fuck the world if they care... i believe in god, and his son jesus christ... i love them both in my own way, but i believe that god has a sick sence of humor... i have hardcore morals, but they aint christian ones... ive drink, never done drugs, but i might at some point, i have problems believeing in reasons to regret things, whats done is done... ive had more fuck buddies then lovers... my real name is Robert, but i dont use it, i hate that name and the person i used to be when i used to go by it... so now i dont answer when people call me it... i go by Niko, robert is dead, and thank god for that... he was a loser...

i have no shame, if u want to know anything about me just ask... the little kid in the pic is my nephew not my son... hes a cute little boy... i hope my baby has his personality...

i have a problem thinking linerally (as in in a straight line) but that comes with the disease... so fuck it... i am almost never happy, no matter how i look or act... i am merely sometimes less unhappy then others, or less willing to die...

other then that im completely normal...

i openened my eyes to the world and cried becasue i hated what i saw and who i was, so i closed my eyes embraced the darkness and found peace and clarity for the first time in my miserable life...

Sunday, January 29, 2006

Sun, 29 Jan 2006 01:08:33 GMT

sometimes i wish i was dead... this would be one of those times...

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Wed, 25 Jan 2006 09:32:04 GMT

Which one of the seven deadly sins are you?

Lust

You have strong sexual desire.

Click Here to Take This Quiz
Brought to you by YouThink.com quizzes and personality tests.

Saturday, January 14, 2006

Sat, 14 Jan 2006 20:08:13 GMT

wow same old danse... conspiracy theories abound from that little girl... it is funny how somethings change in an instant and some people never truely change...

did i mention before that my baby was a boy??? due may 30th, bouncing baby boy, who will take over my stirdes to take over the world, one woman at a time... yes yes yes yes yeeeeessssssss... (rubs hands together)

wow can u believe that i actually hit 63k last year??? i am shocked, can u believe that the gov raped me out of 18k of it??? i can... fucking assholes...

i need to get laid...

i bought a new outfit for my build a bear monkee, its a pair of silk looking boxers, and nothing else... he will be the cutest little monkee ever... have to remember to put that on him when i get home...

god damn work is booring today, i just finished reading underworld evolution, and i cant wait to see the movie... now i am out of books to read... unless i go back to grimms fairy tales... or maybe ill go back to reading the bible...

i wanna go home damnit...

i wanna go home i wanna go home i wanna go home i wanna go home fuck i wanna go home... and fuck...

my baby's a boy... i know i said it before but im still excited about it...

cant wait till may, so i can see him, and hold him, and in a few months play with him... why isnt he here yet??? i should of knocked up june before so that my baby would be here already...

i am so gonna go home and play f.e.a.r. when i get off... maybe i will stop by junes house and check in on her... probably not, i wanna get home like right now...

maybe ill go home and get drunk as fuck... yeah that sounds like fun dont it??? than maybe ill play some rvs... or fear, probably fear... fucking intence game, fast paced with high power weapons...

definately gonna masturbate tonight...

Sunday, January 01, 2006

Sun, 01 Jan 2006 16:52:00 GMT

wow... finally christmas and new years are over... now things can get back to fucking normal... i hate the holiday season... it so sucks... so many people out and shopping, so many people out and bitching about everything... its fucking sick... now i can chill out and work will get back to where it is supposed to be...

on a seccondary note, snowdance, i have not been ignoring ur emails, i havent been getting them, the email addy that xanga has for me i no longer use, and i havent gotten around to updating the address cause i havent decided which of my addresses that i want to use.. when i figure out which email i will be checking from now on i will update xanga and the world, the only email i currently the only emial i check is my tmo corporate email because it comes to my blackberry, but i can not use that for personal correspondance... so be patient, and when i figure out what i want to do with email u all will be informed...

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Tue, 20 Dec 2005 23:37:11 GMT

ok... so to clarify things a little more i am not really mad at u smartass... i think what happened is fucked up, but its over and done with and cant be changed... i am mad at skeen, definately, because she started it, u followed, which is still bad, but if i had only one bullett with wich to shoot someone it wouldnt be u... itd be bush...

so neway i was off today, i like bein off... gives me time to do nothing for no reason... i am off tomorrow also, supposed to be goin out tomorrow night but we shall see how that turns out...

its nice to finally get some me time... and two days in a row is even nicer... i played video games all damn day... and it felt good... tomorrow i will get up go for a walk then go lift some weights... then play video games... yay... in fact its back to games now as well... night everyone...

Saturday, December 10, 2005

Sat, 10 Dec 2005 02:48:41 GMT

ok, so normally when i rant about things i dont personalize, but this time i am gonna make a change to that policy because i have to get this off my chest...

thursday was the funeral of a very special person to me, it was a time to be with friends and family of a very special women in many peoples lives... beautiful body, beautiful ceremony, everything was ok, but then near the end of the service i saw two people i ahvent seen in quite some time, and i said hi, joanne and emily... now i have never liked emily, ever, i find her childish, annoying, and a general waste of skin, but the day wasnt about me, it was about the family of the deceased, and the friends of the deceased, so i let bygones be bygones and acted civil, even gave her a hug and congradulated her on her current and future baby... now joanne i ddidnt have a problem with, she can be a bit off and or annoying at times but all in all so can all of my friends its what makes them interesting... i also said hi to joanne, congradulated her on her beautiful baby, which was honest cause i dont feel sorry for her baby like i did for emily's children, and all was well... now when we got to the burial sight emily made a comment that made me want to punch her dead in her face, for those of u who dont know my ex is pregnant with my child, and emily is a friend of my ex, and when we got to the burial sight and we're walking over to finish the service emily says "so i hear (insert ex's name here) is gonna keep u away from ur child, how does that make u feel" after which joanne says yeah i heard the same thing...

now, lets set a few things straight for the fucking retarded crack smoking super junkies in the audience,

first off, me and my ex have a great relationship, and she knows my views on children i father and that i would die before being kept from my children, and i know she wants me in my childs life... its a conversation we have had before and after she got pregnant... so i know she wants me around, and she knows i am going to be around...

seccondly, NEVER,EVER in ur fucking life should anyone speake badly about a child of mine, i dont have many cut cards in life, i dont shy away from many topics, and i have been known to make fun of others children after they are past a certain age, but almost never about infants or the unborn, and never if they are infants or unborn have i said anything to the parents face... that is a sacred topic for me, and should be for everyone... and my coments directed towards others children usually stem from people who obviously have no control over their children, or who allow their far too young daughters to dress like that fucking whore britney spears, ur eight year old should not be out wearing hooker boots, a skin tight v neck haulter to show off her non existant boobies, and a skirt that shows the crack of her ass, their are too many sick fucking pervs looking at children already without giving them an easy target...

third, even if me and my ex were headed for the custody battle of the year, it would be none of that bitch emily's fucking business... if anyone should have their children confiscated for their own protection its this little bitch, shes pregnant, chain smoking, and downing cafine like its pez... i wouldnt be suprised if she was also drinking, shes just that retarded, hopefully her child is born without any problems and child welfare takes them and places them with someone more stable... i got nothing against the kids, this is just my opinion that the mother shouldnt be allowed to tkae care of a cabige patch doll...

fourth, even if it was her business, even if it wasnt a sacred topic, even if she was someone i even partially tolerate as a friend, how dare this vapid cunt mention anything that derogatory at a funeral, especially for a funeral for a woman i loved almost like a mother, especially for a woman who treated me like a son...

now those of u who know me well know i dont hit women, never have, its not right, but at that moment had we not been at a funeral i would have droped her ass in one hit, and pissed on her face... but the thing i found most throughly offensive wasnt from emily, it was from joanne, to reverb what emily said from someone i do actually consider a friend is just downright inexcuseable... its one thing to hear this shit on this sacred day from someone who belongs on a condom add saying, wear a condom or u could have a child like me, but from someone i actually care about??? someone ive never been outwardly mean to??? someone i have stood up to other people to defend??? thats just fucking wrong... and hurtfull... the only partial excuse is that emily could have said that shit to joanne before, or that joanne was just reverbing what emily said just to be part of the conversation, but it was still wrong... my ex wasnt mad because she knew u were at the funeral, she was mad because i told her what emily said and she was furious with emily, and i mentioned that u reverbed the same thing... thats what set her off... but now that that is off my chest i can get back to not wanting to shoot someone in the stomach and watching the bile eat away at their inards while they die slowly, not that i just thought up that horrific shit, it was in three kings...

and romeo, i do stop by ur page when i get around to stopping by everyone elses... i even went out of my way to get ur number from zanetta so that i could call u, i just havent gotten around to calling u...