YAy i am offically a senior at college yahoo. Hopfully i ge to graduate in the spring if not then fall whatever i just want to get out before 2009.Anyways iam jsut chilling i just opened up an facebook account and it is so addicting to look. My god though i look so fat in my pics geez i have a freakig fat face and it sucks monkey balls.

         My nutrition classes are a pain in my ass. I have to spend money buying random ingredietns and shit. Eat ing things i never heard of and some of are nasty as hell. Also my professor is annoying as hell she too complicated and she does not make sense of anything i think she smokes weed or something because this person is random plus she always hungry. My group and I had to make mediterrean dishes i made hummus which was hell to get. The tahini is the main ingredient for the dish and that gave me a hard time.But surprisingly it's delicious and i had it with pita bread yum.     

                   Halloween was awesome despite the fact that it was cold and i was wearing silettos which was killing my feet yet it was worht it. I admit i got alittle jealous becasue i thought i look plain and some ppl look uber sexy or cute. I was just this pirate. Anywyay i saw Ron Jeremy man he's uber ugly in person. I honestly thought someone was wearing a mask of his face but it was him. Paul was yelling in ear i was deaf for a good 20 minutes. Aside from that all is well. Congrats to Cindy akabar i heard the kid she's carrying is a boy. yay another godson plus she is coming to the  U.S. around thanksgiving can't wait lah. I lost about 15 pounds from fasting yay!! THis semester it's really difficult and i am alittle scared that my grades wiould be so-so.

                 I noice that i do alot better in spring semesters than fall. Maybe it's seasonal depression.

  Hey guys i just want to apologize for my uber depressing entry. I guess cuz my late dad's anniversary came up so i was feeling very down. I am taking my second summer session class and she is alot better than my first session prof who is a creepo and a perv ( the guy was watching porn in  class while we were taking our final). Dont get me wrong i love watching porn too but you should watch in your house or office not in the goddam classroom. I sadly knew what porn he was watching too geez.

      Anyway been addicted to guitar hero for sometime it very addictive. I pray to the gods of rock to bless as i journey to van hella .Pssh i am such a dork anyway past few days been a bitch cause of the stupid heat wave. I promised paul to grow my hair long again to my waist though personally i hate it long but oddly miss it. Still a promise is a promise. But i am keeping my layers dam it and i am goingto redye it too.

     Also i been somewhat into this korean boy band call super junior its a 12 or 13 boy band. I like their music but what puzzles me is that do they really that much people in their band. Also most of them are cute lols. Plus i am trying to lose weight cause i know i gained some and it sucks went from a size 4 to a size 6 or 8 nooooooooo. I spoke to my two indoneisan brothers and boy have they changed alot(barak used to be the meanie and maz was the goof ball). Not maz is all millitary wanna be gangsta who is now treating cindy like crap and i feel so bad for her she doesn't deserve it. Barak is more mellow and somewhat religious more religious but not the type that forces you to pray or anything and he got uber buff. I was like dang, but yea they live in indonesia cindy was forced to go and she hates it there she told they treat her like crap. Barak wants to help but he lives in surabaya and maz with cindy lives in jakarta with his mother's family. I feel helpless but what can i do. Cindy wants to go to the american embassy there they took her passports what bastards anyways i got to go got to work now ciao

    I don't know what's wrong with me. Lately I have been extremely depressed. Things I used to enjoy is longer fun, i feel like i am slowly losing my mind. I dont feel like myself, i've become very bitter, antisocial,and too sensitive towards stupid things.

       I am at constant war with myself. I dont know how to tell people that but i feel ashamed and don't think they would understand. My entire world is turning black and all i hear in my head is blood curling screams. My relationship is fine but it's me that is the problem. I stoop so low that nothing matters to me anymore and i am afraid. I cry myself to sleep every night plus i am getting uber paranoid. I refuse to eat, i exercise consistanly, and i am angry at the world. I feel hatred building up and i just want to cut someone or something to ease it.

      I get very intimidated towards skinny girls and feel like they are trying to seduce paul and take him away from me, i beat myself and  i am feel completely hopeless. I wear a smile on my face everyday with my freinds but deep down i am messed up. Old wounds are opening up again and that is not good. I feel resentful towards pretty much everything and i dont know what to do. I hate feeling this way, why does it feel like i am suffering so much.

       I feel myslef turning my back towards the people i love dearly because i am so ashamed, i just don't want them to see me this way. What makes it even more horrific is that this month is the anniversary of my dad's death which also depressens me. Because of how i spent my last day with him which i regret deeply and feel like i am suffering now because of it. Too many things going in my head and i want to stop it but i cant because it is embedded in my head i just cant stop it. My only way to escape it, is by physically hurting myself just for it die down.

         Looking into the mirror, what i see is not me, but a demon and i feel her breathing down my neck. I just want to get away from it all.

I'm facing a trauma, it's crawling inside Don't walk that line, don't take that ride
Conclusions will show me the sweetest pain Don't walk that line, don't take that ride What I can see now, I don't want anyone else to see And I can't move at all now It doesn't matter somehow, what it does to me