If it weren't for true love, I wouldn't be alive today. I don't mean romantic love -- although that is definitely part of it! -- I mean God's perfect love.

My life journey started out in Indonesia. I went to boarding school when I was 8 years old, which was a very mixed experience. I loved it at the time, but have since realized that there were a lot of losses in that lifestyle as well. One of the things that I remember most was being just a face in the crowd – not an individual. Because of that, it took me years to realize that God truly loved me for who I was, not for what I did or didn't do. 

My understanding of love was further shaken during my first year of college, when I had a very serious relationship (we were planning to get married) that ended in a heart-wrenching break-up. Those were truly the darkest days of my life, as I felt totally worthless and unlovable, and had no reason to live. During that time, God used my friends to be His hands and feet, reaching out to me in love (even though I didn't even want them around! I didn't have the desire or the energy to interact with them…but they didn't give up!). They prayed for me and surrounded me with care and encouragement. I was too weak and discouraged to pray – I couldn't feel God's presence – but He used His children to touch me with His love when I felt most unlovable.

I learned a different side of love when I served as a Residence Assistant in a high school girls' dorm in Germany. Now I had the privilege of loving others in the same context I had grown up in – living far away from their parents, wrestling through the issues of identity & transition & heartaches & life. They were precious – I loved each of them SO MUCH, and I loved each of them DIFFERENTLY. I never believed my parents when they said they didn't pick favorites, but now I saw so clearly how each girl was precious and lovable in different ways. And it gave me a tiny glimpse of how God loves us.

Now I have started a new stage of the journey – marriage! And God is using my husband to reveal more about His unconditional love…Some days I wonder if I will ever really "get it" – God's love doesn't actually make sense, you know? And of course, I've heard I will understand even more aspects of love if I have children of my own some day!

The main thing I have learned so far, is that God was ALWAYS there, pursuing me with His love, even when I didn't recognize it at the time. So if you are struggling today in a valley or dark place in life, don't give up. Look around for a glimpse of God's love. I am convinced that it is there, even when we can't feel it or see it. I often feel it in the beauty of nature or the sound of a song that touches my soul or the wordless embrace of a caring friend. But there are also times when I don't feel it, and those are the times I have to wait and trust. And someday when I look back, I will see it so clearly.

my mom and i have VERY different views on the subject of cooking! my mom is determined that cooking is a science, while i firmly maintain that it is an art form. she faithfully taught me how to read & follow recipes – how to meticulously measure flour by spooning & sifting it into the measuring cup & swiping it off with a knife, rather than (heaven forbid!) just digging into the cannister and dumping it into the mixing bowl…how to add exactly a "pinch" of salt or a "dash" of pepper…how to preheat the oven and prepare all the ingredients ahead of time & then put things away as you go along, in order to keep the kitchen neat and tidy at all times… my method looks more like a mild whirlwind of barely controlled chaos, so i have no doubt that if she were to see me in action in my kitchen today, she would clutch her hands to her chest, look to the heavens and say, "where did i go wrong??!!"

just the other day i was sitting at work, wondering what we could have for dinner, and i suddenly had a vision of chicken marsala & garlic mashed potatoes from carrabba's! being poor newlyweds, my husband & i don't eat out nearly as much as we did when we were dating (sigh), so i started imagining how i could create such a meal from the things in my pantry at home. i contemplated looking up a chicken marsala recipe online, but decided i could come up with something better on my own… so at lunch time i rushed home, threw some chicken breasts in the crockpot with a little marsala cooking wine & a few seasonings, and set it to cook on low the rest of the afternoon. after getting home from work that evening, i whipped up some garlic/parmesan mashed potatoes (which i also invented as i went along), and popped some rolls in the oven (not homemade!) while steaming some vegetables on the stove. the end result was a DELICIOUS dinner and a kitchen that looked like the site of a natural disaster!!!

it's easy enough to do that with a basic meal, you say, but baking is a different story…baking is definitely a science. the thing is, i am famous for making a wicked apple crisp without ever touching a measuring cup! and i invented some fabulous puff pastries the other week with no recipe whatsoever! i admit, some of my concoctions end up looking like a scientific experiment gone awry, but that's the closest it comes to resembling science in any form! and here's another thing – isn't a true scientific experiment supposed to be repeatable? i never make the same thing twice!! sure, i make the same dishes, but i never make them the same WAY – i'm constantly thinking of things that i will do differently next time, and ways to change or substitute ingredients… maybe it's a personality thing - maybe i like the suspense of always wondering if the meal will turn out this time, or if we will be scraping sandwiches together at the last minute! =)

i've been thinking about God's guidance lately…how does that work, exactly?? i've heard so many different analogies in my life, and i'm afraid i'm starting to get them mixed up! here's the thing – when i have to make a choice or decision about the future, i want to know what God wants me to do, because He knows best and i can't always see the big picture of how things will turn out, you know? but how do i know what God wants, when it is not an issue that is "right" or "wrong"?

here's where the analogies start to come in: we all know about Gideon laying out a "fleece" to find out what God wanted him to do… some people believe we need to lay out a "fleece" – ask God for a miraculous sign, basically. and i don't doubt that God can (and does!) answer those prayers at times. but i worry about manipulating God when i do that… i have also heard people say we just need to keep moving – make a choice and move forward – don't wait around asking for a sign. they use the analogy that it is easier to steer a car that is moving, rather than one that is standing still. it will be easier for God to "steer" or direct us if we are moving in some direction, rather than stalling and becoming stagnant. others say we just need to step out in faith, trusting that God will stop us if we are heading in the wrong direction, but the picture that comes to my mind is that of flinging myself off a cliff, and asking God to stop me before i reach the bottom, if that is not what He wants me to do!

ultimately, i'm not extremely worried, because i know God promises to answer if we seek him wholeheartedly, and that is what i am doing… i just wonder about how it works sometimes… but i guess the bottom line is that God uses different methods of guidance with different people – He is God, and can do whatever He wants! any thoughts?