"Stumble till you crawl, slipping into sweet uncertainty..." -Jimmy Eat World, Sweetness

Been kind of stuck on that song lately. No idea why. It's pretty old school, and all I own is a live version. I hate live versions of songs. But I am constantly listening to it in the car. Bernan Syndrome - it's our diagnosis for song addictions. Definitly have the symptoms, at least when I'm driving. And I almost always speed when I'm listening to that song...

On leaving ...I'm out in two and a half weeks. I used to wish for more time. There a song that goes, "If I could find another thirty minutes somewhere, I'm sure everything would find me." I feel like I spent the past few months looking for ways to find my extra "thirty minutes" here, with these people. I don't look for that anymore. I'm ready to go. I'm tired of preparation and goodbyes. I'm tired of anticipated change. It just needs to come. And I'm totally stoked.

Change is already here. It used to hurt to watch it all, but the more you try to hold on to something while it's drifting away, the more you miss what's drifting in. It feels good to just let life happen instead of worrying about things like that. I'm very much excited for my friends, too. I'm excited for those leaving and getting into the "experience of a lifetime" situations. I'm excited for the friendships and activities developing for those staying at here...Sometimes, with all the new relationships and the new things that are developing in the Columbia scene, I'm sad that I'm not staying to participate. Maybe, a more accurate description is that my insides kind of get panicky..."well, why can't I be involved in this?..and how come they get to do that?..and why the heck am I leaving...??" That's a dumb question. I know exactly why I'm leaving. Plus, most of these people are older than me, out of college by at least a couple years. I will have my turn to be 23, 25, 27 years old. I will have my own post-college life. Odds are, not here, not with them, and that's ok.

Right now, I'm 21. I'm still in school. And I'm going to California.


Bring it on.