as happy as i try to be, it still doesn't work.
anything, just name it, and if it's good, i bet i tell you why it's not so good.
and i can comfortably bet 50 that no matter what - shit's going to be bad.
and i'm just going to have to push through all of that.

i'll hopefully be getting this new job eventually, and then i'll be moving out ASAP. period, point blank. i'm done. neither of my parents deserve to live with me anymore. everything that's been said and done, they're just normal people to me at this point. i love them, but they're just.. fuck ups.

it's weird. i ask a friend a question and he tells me...
"i think that you know the answer to that question somewhere in your mind, or you wouldn't have asked me."
(or something similar to that)

and you know, the more i think everything through over and over again, the more he's right. i think i know the answers to all the questions i've been asking myself since newyearseve. i really do. somewhere in me, i know that everything meant a lot more to me than it ever will to him. but i'm still unsure. i still don't know for sure, because what if i'm wrong? i'll completely miss out on something so huge and i'm sorry, but i can't do that to myself again.

then he said, "let me put it to you this way: which is worse? not knowing and wondering? or just getting it over with and not having to wonder?"
--
"then you can be happy, or be informed"

it's a new year... it's MY year. i'm going for it. i'm getting what i want this year. i'm always so stuck on everyone else's well-being that i completely forget about mine. i worry about everyone else's emotions before mine and never take the risks that i probably should've. i just feel like that's where i've been fucking up. i push people away and don't take chances so i don't get hurt - but i end up hurt anyway. there's so much i could've done to stop so many things this year. if i would've just spoke up for myself, done something besides sit back. i feel that everything could be completely different right now.

i think that i'm just going to ask him. i'm just gonna put myself out there for once. i hope it'll be worth it, i really do. i'd just rather know than to have not tried and never known.

i've come to the conclusion that i just want to be wanted.
i just want to feel like i belong somewhere and that i mean something to someone. anyone. i'm just so sick of feeling like i'm a pain in everyone's ass, i really am. i feel so in the way of everyone and everything. i don't have that best friend support, that family support, that die-hard-ilovegod attitude to push me through everything anymore. i miss having a reason to wake up in the morning. a reason to look pretty, a reason to smile, laugh, love. after i lost him, i feel like i've lost everything. i know it's not that i've actually lost everything, it's just that i made him my everything. just for the simple fact that he made me feel like i had a reason for being alive - to make him happy, to make him smile, laugh, etc. and now? it's all gone, and i need that feeling back. i need it so fucking bad, it kills me inside - on the real.

i just miss the feeling of being alive and the feeling of being able to wake up with a smile on my face saying, "today's going to be a GREAT day. i have someone looking forward to seeing me everyday."
but i don't think that day will be very soon, and it sucks.
because nothing can beat that feeling.
the feeling of everything actually being okay.

explaining my life, how i feel, what's going through my head, who i love, who i don't, who fucked my life up, who broke my heart into a million-zillion pieces, and who keeps me from blowing my head off instead of blowing trees on the daily - the list could go on and on. it's basically just anything and everything that i could sit here and tell you to justify what i do, why i do it, and why i act the why i act in certain situations. telling anyone, or explaining to anyone- no matter who- would honestly take entirely too much out of me emotionally. i know i would completely lose it and would look like a total psycho, so i simply keep things inside, constantly, everyday. and not only that, but it takes so much courage within myself to even begin to talk about things because of my past, what has happened to me, and what i'm always, always, always so afraid that's going to happen once i actually open up to one person - that the person that i've trusted with everything in me will leave me. and not just.. leave like, vacation. just completely, and out of the blue, straight up leave me in the past, in the back of their mind.. their very last thought, worry, anything.. like i never existed, like we've never shared anything that was worth remembering, or even worth anything at all. leaving me to deal with a broken heart, a broken home, a broken mind, a broken everything. and at this point in my life? i'm sure it wouldn't be far from the truth to say that i, myself, as a whole, am broken too. and you know, this sounds so drastic and so 'dramaqueen-like' BUT i kid you not, look at who my "best friends" have been, my life overall, what i've been through, and look at who i have to turn to now. i really don't even have family to turn to at this point in my life. and then come back, read this, and my mindset will make more sense. in my life, i've just come to the point where, i just don't care anymore. i really, really don't. if the people i love are going to be wreckless, i'll let them. whatever. i'm done. i don't think anyone understands that i got your back whether we talk everyday or if the last time i talked to you was 5years ago - that's just who i am and what i think is right. it just hurts when i got everyone else's back no matter what- but nobody has mine. even when i needed it the most, there was still no one. well, except for when i have weed, alcohol, and/or money for weed or alcohol - then i have all the people in the world to talk to until i run out. sorry, but no. that's not flying anymore. and right now, i'm probably at my lowest point my life that i've EVER been at, and i have no one - not even family. and that really got the whole 'people do always leave me' phrase beat into my head. but this time? it's far, far, far from fixable. i really don't know if i can ever fully recover, or get over everything that's happened. sad, but true.

everything.

just.

hurts.