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| Disappointments, over and over. I wish I could write a letter to myself in the past, or more specifically, the freshman me.
No matter how many times I tell myself DON'T REGRET WHAT YOU'VE DONE, I really can't help but want to change everything in the past. By everything I mean the stuff that's coming back and hitting me in the face, and by that I really mean the little things that blew up. I don't know, I don't care. I just want to remind myself that I'm an idiot, because if I don't let go of these thoughts they'll build up in my chest, like always, and explode. Losing friendships, gaining more - friends aren't expendable. I really don't know what I'm saying anymore.
Even though I'm not sure I'd believe myself, or if it's right advice, I'd clearly state the following:
Listen to music more. Learn to swim sooner. When he starts to talk to you about Pokemon, hug him because he'll mean something to you in the future, even though it's unclear what you mean to him. Let go of that grudge sooner. Take Choir instead of Art, because your colored pencils will be stolen in the end anyway. Look for more scholarships right away, because money won't always be there. Buy more CDs because you won't have money in the future. When he asks who you like, don't be afraid to admit it's him. Run more, but not from your problems. Scream less, listen more. Mess with your hair more, you'll lose it all when you graduate. Don't get carried away with your feelings. Study more, because the dramas can wait in the end as long as you save them for later. Treasure sleep, because it'll soon be gone from your life. Don't be afraid to lie a little, otherwise it'll turn messy. Don't go for those afternoon snacks, they add up in the end. No matter what, don't take Axt for a second semester because you'll be so out of shape it hurts. Resist temptation. Fight your counselor more, fight your father, so that you won't have to take that graduation requirements at the end. When someone says meet them at 10 o'clock, be there at 9:30. Don't get lazy and start waking up late, because you WILL be late. Don't forget your old friends. Write down more things in that pretend diary under your pillow. Don't tell the wrong people the right things, because then they'll just forget or tell everyone else false information. As it turns out, they won't forget your silly crushes and you'll end up wishing you didn't say anything, which was what you should have done in the first place. Drink less soda, drink more water, and breathe. Smile more, but not in that awkward way that you think makes you look pretty because you end up looking like you want to escape. Don't let your feelings out too quickly. Don't forget that fairy tales are false, and you can only protect what you believe in. Brief friendships matter, so don't lose your head over his mixed up feelings. And lastly, when you see those Roman sandals at Payless, buy them because they'll haunt your dreams for the next two years.
In other words, do everything different.
But I don't know if I'd follow my own advice, really.
Especially that one about when he starts to talk to me about Pokemon.
Sleeping on my lap, I tried to send him a message mentally - "What do you really feel?"
Instead, I left him sleeping in the hallway. Hah.
Again, for now, I've decided I don't like him.
I can keep it away if I just focus.
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| Expectations. I cannot be what I was before. He tells me I should not blame my teachers, I should blame my own shortcomings. My grades have spiraled down - at the cost of trying to get a better score on the AP Calculus exam (which I just took today), I had to take the teacher from whom I would most likely receive a lower grade from. In fact, I have not gotten straight A's since middle school. I've lost all control over my schoolwork, and now I'm left trying to catch up. This is the best I can do, please understand that. No matter how many times I say these words, my parents will not hear them. They will see what was once a perfect child collapse into a weak adolescent.
Sometimes we're just too flawed.
In our flaws, we expect perfection out of everyone else.
But in the end, she's really just a girl, not the superhero you expect her to be, she's not as strong. I saw that in her.
I wonder if anyone else understands that despite her appearance, despite my appearance, we just want to be pretty. We want to be loved and healthy and well.
Even if he touches me, I do not touch him back.
Ignore the rules of physics. I am not touching him back.
I wish he wouldn't touch me when he does, but when he doesn't, I feel pretty lonely.
Who am I kidding? I don't even know his feelings towards me, but I cannot help and wonder when he holds my hand. I respond to his motions a little as possible to see if he does anything more. Does anyone suspect anything?
I don't know what to decide - because I cannot accept myself as I am today, I don't think I can have anyone else try to accept me. My failure to come to terms with myself for the week leaves me at a dead end of what to do with my problems. Money, health, love. All that shit has gone down the toilet.
If I cannot afford BU past my freshman year, I'm thinking of transferring out to UC Santa Cruz, to where my friends are. But I know I won't focus if I'm with my friends, so maybe I should transfer to somewhere cheaper/without my friends? That, or not transfer at all and suffer the consequences. No matter what I do, I lose something.
Now that I've realized my dreams, I also see that they come at a high price.
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| I'm such a liar. I know I said I would go on hiatus because of AP exams, but here I am, two days before Calculus. I couldn't help it, I wanted to write something about HIM. But not about HIM, not the boy far away whom I never see, who had taken over my thoughts long ago. I'm talking about HIM, as in the one right in front of me, my friend, who treats me too nicely for it to go on unnoticed.
Countless times, I look back and tell myself it's nothing.
And every time, I try to forget.
I've come to the conclusion that I never will get over him.
He's hovering in that grey area, the place where friendship and love blurs into a confusing mess.
If only he didn't hold my hand so often -
If only he didn't put his face so close to mine today -
If he would just SAY what he is really feeling, maybe it'd go away, but maybe it wouldn't.
I swear he was going to kiss me today.
The thought of losing it so quickly - because I have my first kiss to lose - scares me.
Does it have to be from someone so special?
What would we be like together?
He's already said he's not ready for a relationship at all, but I don't know.
I know I'm not either, but would it work?
(Don't misunderstand, I didn't talk about a relationship with HIM. We just talked about relationships in general.)
Seeing a picture of him from sophomore year, back when I hadn't met him yet.
He looked different - like a child, yet still as outspoken as the person I know today.
Wondering about the possibilities...
Okay, time to study.
Is that your immediate solution? What happened to the past?
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| Unplug this stopper! I am in dire need of STUDYING. After failing a couple of tests (A COUPLE?!), I have realized that I really need to hit the books. A short review session with my friend revealed that not only am I behind right now on a subject I will be tested on for more than three hours in less than two weeks, I am also terribly behind in two other subjects that I will be tested on in EXACTLY one week. I shouldn't even be typing this entry, but I feel like this is a tender goodbye to my blog that I've been keeping up for almost two straight weeks without fail. Hey, I even had two entries in one day. That's a good one. But now I should get around to stuffing information into my brain.
I feel like the past couple years have been a waste. I have learned nothing. I cannot even help my friend with her homework on PRE-Calculus, and I should be able to do CALCULUS. Terrible, absolutely terrible!
So this is a goodbye to my blog. While I have 28 more school days until graduation, by the time I come back I should have only around 15 days left. AP hell, here I come.
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| Green, green, and more green. Waking up late should be outlawed.
Twenty-nine days left until I'm out of school. There's no freedom after that, because I really need a summer job on top of the one I've already got. But seriously, waking up late is horrible.
Once you wake up past 7:30 am, the demon of laziness devours your soul.
I sat at home doing ABSOLUTELY NOTHING until 10 am, and then I realized that I still have a schedule to keep. The promise of summer makes my soul rot.
Still expecting a lot from Boston, but I know I should lower my expectations.
I'm scared I'll get too carried away when it's just a normal city.
I've started to notice my Californian accent and lingo.
Am I attempting to reform, or should I stick to being myself?
Body conscious, body conscious.
Uh oh, I'm already losing sight of my dream.
Time to finish homework and sleep.
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