| | Expectations. I cannot be what I was before. He tells me I should not blame my teachers, I should blame my own shortcomings. My grades have spiraled down - at the cost of trying to get a better score on the AP Calculus exam (which I just took today), I had to take the teacher from whom I would most likely receive a lower grade from. In fact, I have not gotten straight A's since middle school. I've lost all control over my schoolwork, and now I'm left trying to catch up. This is the best I can do, please understand that. No matter how many times I say these words, my parents will not hear them. They will see what was once a perfect child collapse into a weak adolescent.
Sometimes we're just too flawed.
In our flaws, we expect perfection out of everyone else.
But in the end, she's really just a girl, not the superhero you expect her to be, she's not as strong. I saw that in her.
I wonder if anyone else understands that despite her appearance, despite my appearance, we just want to be pretty. We want to be loved and healthy and well.
Even if he touches me, I do not touch him back.
Ignore the rules of physics. I am not touching him back.
I wish he wouldn't touch me when he does, but when he doesn't, I feel pretty lonely.
Who am I kidding? I don't even know his feelings towards me, but I cannot help and wonder when he holds my hand. I respond to his motions a little as possible to see if he does anything more. Does anyone suspect anything?
I don't know what to decide - because I cannot accept myself as I am today, I don't think I can have anyone else try to accept me. My failure to come to terms with myself for the week leaves me at a dead end of what to do with my problems. Money, health, love. All that shit has gone down the toilet.
If I cannot afford BU past my freshman year, I'm thinking of transferring out to UC Santa Cruz, to where my friends are. But I know I won't focus if I'm with my friends, so maybe I should transfer to somewhere cheaper/without my friends? That, or not transfer at all and suffer the consequences. No matter what I do, I lose something.
Now that I've realized my dreams, I also see that they come at a high price.
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| | Posted 5/7/2008 4:45 PM - 4 comments
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