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| | Disappointments, over and over. I wish I could write a letter to myself in the past, or more specifically, the freshman me.
No matter how many times I tell myself DON'T REGRET WHAT YOU'VE DONE, I really can't help but want to change everything in the past. By everything I mean the stuff that's coming back and hitting me in the face, and by that I really mean the little things that blew up. I don't know, I don't care. I just want to remind myself that I'm an idiot, because if I don't let go of these thoughts they'll build up in my chest, like always, and explode. Losing friendships, gaining more - friends aren't expendable. I really don't know what I'm saying anymore.
Even though I'm not sure I'd believe myself, or if it's right advice, I'd clearly state the following:
Listen to music more. Learn to swim sooner. When he starts to talk to you about Pokemon, hug him because he'll mean something to you in the future, even though it's unclear what you mean to him. Let go of that grudge sooner. Take Choir instead of Art, because your colored pencils will be stolen in the end anyway. Look for more scholarships right away, because money won't always be there. Buy more CDs because you won't have money in the future. When he asks who you like, don't be afraid to admit it's him. Run more, but not from your problems. Scream less, listen more. Mess with your hair more, you'll lose it all when you graduate. Don't get carried away with your feelings. Study more, because the dramas can wait in the end as long as you save them for later. Treasure sleep, because it'll soon be gone from your life. Don't be afraid to lie a little, otherwise it'll turn messy. Don't go for those afternoon snacks, they add up in the end. No matter what, don't take Axt for a second semester because you'll be so out of shape it hurts. Resist temptation. Fight your counselor more, fight your father, so that you won't have to take that graduation requirements at the end. When someone says meet them at 10 o'clock, be there at 9:30. Don't get lazy and start waking up late, because you WILL be late. Don't forget your old friends. Write down more things in that pretend diary under your pillow. Don't tell the wrong people the right things, because then they'll just forget or tell everyone else false information. As it turns out, they won't forget your silly crushes and you'll end up wishing you didn't say anything, which was what you should have done in the first place. Drink less soda, drink more water, and breathe. Smile more, but not in that awkward way that you think makes you look pretty because you end up looking like you want to escape. Don't let your feelings out too quickly. Don't forget that fairy tales are false, and you can only protect what you believe in. Brief friendships matter, so don't lose your head over his mixed up feelings. And lastly, when you see those Roman sandals at Payless, buy them because they'll haunt your dreams for the next two years.
In other words, do everything different.
But I don't know if I'd follow my own advice, really.
Especially that one about when he starts to talk to me about Pokemon.
Sleeping on my lap, I tried to send him a message mentally - "What do you really feel?"
Instead, I left him sleeping in the hallway. Hah.
Again, for now, I've decided I don't like him.
I can keep it away if I just focus.
| | | Posted 5/8/2008 10:00 PM - 0 comments
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