| | hidden messages (or obvious... probably are) within rhyming poems aside, i just honestly can't wait til this week is over. but then again i also don't want it to be over.
school will FINALLY be done. freshman year officially down the drain. it's hm... interesting? funny? weird? peculiar.. yea, peculiar how one's thought process.. state of mind changes so drastically when high school is over. once we've gone out of that comfort zone we've gotten used to for technically 13 years, if you count kindergarden, at most, for those lucky ones. counting down the days till vacations, till summer. freedom from school, with the assurance of seeing the same faces in another 3 1/2 months when we're all reeled back in. but now... now it's more of a.. what do you call it? shoot.. oh yeah.
a win, lose situation.
it's great. FINALLY having the summer here (although i much prefer winter :P) but then again, there's the risk that all, if any, people i bonded with this past semester.. well i won't see them ever again. even with all the possibilities of contact- cell phones, facebook, email, AIM, what have you. most people choose not to, or in my case... are just lazy ^^;; which is ironic.. because i would really like to stay friends with people, but i just.. suck at staying in contact >>" it really is based on if you share classes with a person, whether you're still close or not. basically- yay! it's summer, i get to kinda relax now. but. shit.. will i ever see these people again? will i still be as close with them?
i know i know. what matters is having great memories to hold on to. that's all i can ask for since losing touch is an eventual doom to all friendships that always always aaalwayys happens. but i'm sorry.. i'm selfish. i want to find someone i could someday say "yeah, this is my best friend.. this is a good friend of mine or whatever. and we've been friends for 5 plus years." it doesn't help that i'm impatient.. or well the OBVIOUS fact that... i don't make nearly a... even pathetic attempt at staying in contact with old friends.. it seems like the only way i'll get that is if i have someone be persistant enough to stay in touch with me.
really, at this moment, im not fretting about academics, although i should be kinda worried.. okay. going into vagueness here so pardon me. ~well i guess i don't have to worry about it anymore.. oh wait, i kinda do still. damn. but yeah.. setting myself up for disappointment. i should just be firm and mean if i even have to be.. but it's hard. when the hell did i turn out like this?? i never used to be such a softy. what the hell..? i only have a backbone sometimes, and other times well.. the times i need one MOST, i end up fucking myself over. has it really come to this now? geez.. so ridiculous, and pathetic. who ever heard of someone afraid to speak up? even the tiniest peep? it's been half a year, keep pushing. g-g-g-goooo~! let's debate about this when it's been a year kay? silly joy debating with herself on xanga. i should be thankful so few people read this thing anymore. someone out there definitely thinks i'm insane blabbing like this right now. i know i do. i should stop. ok.. STOP >>"
i guess it's like jenn said to me once in concern over the phone... i was always a radiant bright star.. so full of "joy" HAHA. but... that radiance is getting dimmer and dimmer, i'm not so happy anymore. but then again, i guess it happens to everyone, it's just a part of growing up. experiencing pain. i know for a fact that a large part of the old Joy is gone. was gone even before i became a senior in high school. i guess i just haven't found someone insane enough? no... radiant enough? persistant enough..? .... that cares enough to bring it back to me. that i'm willing to really let go of all my insecurities for, and show what's left of me, so they can help. i know friends always want to help, are willing to help, but it all comes back to the person that needs it, not the person that's willing to give it. because i have to let everything go before any healing and restoring can begin, right? dammit, why's it so hard to do so then? -_-*
ahh... young life. experiencing new meanings of happiness, joy, bliss for the first time. it's.. beyond words. experiencing searing pain, scarring pain and sorrow more so than we believed possible. it is also indescribable. and all the while knowing that our futures still hold more of this ying-yang wear and tear out there for us. even higher, more extreme definitions of happiness and sorrow..beyond imagination. not like we haven't been warned by adults before... through literature, songs, music, movies, what have you. but all those... don't even come close to what it truly feels like... we'll only know when we've been plopped into those situations.. those shoes. i guess all i can do is wait for it. float on n about with my life as it is right now, and let the waves crash against me, let the wet sand bury my toes, let the burning sun blind my eyes, or the night chill freeze me to the bones as they come. as time passes by, as it all comes crashing down.
sorry about the silly venting post. i'm just so emo lately.... -_____-;; not proud of it. didn't want to talk to anyone i guess. so just talking to the general public..that way it won't matter as much. i'll just look like some babbling fool in a crowd of people trying to get to where ever they're going.
~~~~s2* joi
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| | Posted 5/20/2008 2:19 AM - 60 views - 1 comments
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