It has been forever!

Ahhhh.  Well, a lot as happened.

I feel really fat haha.

I don't know, I always feel shitty when I think about going back because like...men don't like women who "feel sorry for themselves" even though that's not how it is, that's how they see it...I know my boyfriend would hate it because one time he said this one girl was ugly (even though she's not) because she looks anorexic.  Does anyone else ever get jealous when their boyfriends say a pretty girl looks anorexic? I don't know why

Anyway..I think I am going to start anyway.  My school doesn't have a track so if I run on the treadmill I have to get a new ipod (mine broke) because otherwise I am staring at a blank white wall for 3 miles which sucks.

And it's hard to do the routine I do in the summer because my dorm floor really grosses me out :( (my roommate is kind of like farm-ish and wears REALLY dirty boots and so do her friends..no offense)

it's going to be harddddd. and I don't want my hair getting shitty. 

Bah I'm just afraid of dying haha just from those two years where it was the worst, my blood pressure got so low and it stayed that way...I never thought about it like...you lose your muscles when you don't eat, but your heart is also a muscle..so I guess that's why some anorexics die of heart failure, because it gets so weak.  That stuff scares the hell out of me.

Blah. 

^ ew haha

I want that hair

why is she so cute

I have been good for at least 8 or 9 months.  And this sounds really stupid but it was ever since I started dating my boyfriend.  I don't know.  Sometimes you meet people that make you want to be healthy/happy.

I think I am going to start up again though.  I messed up so badly and so many things are going wrong right now, I don't know what else. I've been thinking about it a lot lately.  And it won't be hard except for the fact that I eat with him pretty much every meal.

I need to vent so badly right now but I tried and now my friend thinks my boyfriend is a psycho.  Ok I don't know about any of you, but have you ever dated anyone..that for the most part is calm and everything but certain things make them turn into a whole other person?  We started fighting and I swear he wanted to slap me or something.  I was scared but whatever.  The whole time I kept thinking I wanted to like tell one of the cops or RAs or something but then I didn't want him to get in trouble..and all I kept thinking was like those shows about abused women or whatever and how they can't leave because they can't like..let go or whatever.  I don't know. I know I'm not abused, but I am certain no one should talk to their boyfriend/girlfriend like that or handle them like that.  This may sound stupid but like he's never been mean in terms of how he talks to me but he told me to shut up and then almost did again, threw something across my room, swatted something out of my hand and he would like hold me in place because I wanted to leave and he'd bring his face really close to mine and say "stop it"  blahhh just thinking about this makes me cry because it was so scary.  But every time I try to say somethign about it he justifies it with the fact that I was talking to someone he didnt want me to (this person did something to me but I think I wrote about it on here)  I have two bruises but I only know what one was from.  I have like a little circle one on my arm where he'd hold me and then I have a really big one on my leg but I either got that from hitting my bed or kind of being knocked (sort of, he didnt like full out push me into the door) but like the inside of the door.  And he said something along the lines of "I don't want to use force" blahh I never thought I would have this happen to me.  And he also told me I wanted this other person instead of him so I slapped him.  I couldn't believe I did that.............I don't even know why he is with me honestly.  I feel like shit.  When all of that happened, I was screaming at him to leave and he wouldn't and I forget what he said but it made me rip of the necklace I was wearng that he gave me for 6 months.  I feel like absolute shit over all of this

Anyway I told my best guy friend about it and all he said was "..and why did you let him get away with this"  Good point.  I don't know  .. I love the other parts of him but I honestly don't know what I'll do if something like this happens again..I don't know, it's a lot easier being single because I can eat how I want and I don't have all of this crap making me feel like I am the one who fucks everything up.  Like that one thing I mentioned earlier...he just recently secretly added this girl (who is questionable) and talked to her in private messages and defended it by saying "at least I didn't cheat". 

I'm starting next monday.  At least 5 waters, only fruit and vegetables and if I eat meat it is going to be tuna or turkey.  Nothing else

I want to get back down to my lowest which seems like forever ago...(104).  I don't want my grades to drop though...even though in the beginning it usually helps my grades because I become really focused on details and organization and stuff if that makes sense..like planning out my day goes along with planning out my food.

Oh well.

I'll update

**************

Just thought I would write some stuff on here I learned in nutrition class...even if some/ a lot of you already know this.

Cancer breeds in an acidic environment...when you go into starvation mode, you go into ketosis which basically means your blood becomes acidic and bathes all of your organs in acidic blood.

on the other hand, calcium and iron are best absorbed in an acidic environment, so if you eat any meat...try drinking a little bit of orange juice with it to better absorb the nutrients.

also, for those of you who havent been eating tuna...YOU SHOULD! not only does it have crazy amounts of protein for such a small (and yuummmy haha) food but it has 150 mg of Omega 3's which help the body burn fat. seriously, i ate tuna every day for my "big meal" of the day last year and thats the year i lost the mose weight.

thats all haha i just remembered them.

anyway, this is what i am doing to my hair in about a week or two.

this is the color of it right now...

i know my arm and back are kinda chunky haha but im working on it <--- my stomach last yr :(

today so far:

1 water

1 thing of tuna with cheese and light mayo

probably a V8 and 3 more waters.

thats it. im not leaving my room because i have a shit load of hw so i wont be tempted to go get food

<3  blah

todays intake

2 bananas

3 waters

1 diet coke

ew from the loss/gain/loss/gain im getting cellulite. kill me now.

i feel and look decent, better....not what i want tho.

for the past two days ive had egg sandwiches for breakfast and then pretty much nothing the rest of the day and i A dont feel very hungry and B have had pretty quick results. i think tomorrow and the next day im going to skip everything except have an apple mid day.

blah im so stressed. my bf can be a real jackass.