ocelot61's Xanga

Pictures!!!

Fri, 25 Jul 2008 19:57:38 GMT

I've finally gotten the pictures from South Africa, all 2000 of them! I'm just going to share four with you all for now... I can't tell you the names of the kids from the orphanage, even though I can show pictures, but I don't have permission to even put up photos of the kids at the school I worked at, so while I wish I could show you... I can't unless I feel like doing a lot of editing, 'cause all those photos are swarming with kids trying to get into the picture. Anyways, here's a few, and if you want to see more, let me know.

This first one is some of the little kids at the orphanage, looking out the ubiquitous gate at the street.

This is from taking the 19 oldest kids to McDonald's one Sunday afternoon. You'd think 11 adults would be enough to keep track of 19 kids... but we came really really close to miscounting and leaving one behind... oops! It was a fun day, though - the girl in blue on the upper left randomly decided to attach herself to me that day, when I hadn't even really spent time at her house yet! (The orphanage maintains four houses, leveled according to age). And they were super excited about their ice cream cones, too. :)

One of the adorable children we all fell in love with... he was a quiet one.

And finally, this one is from our debrief... it is proof! I truly did hold a lion in Africa... and it was adorable.

Sixteen Minutes

Mon, 21 Jul 2008 15:59:05 GMT

Isaiah 40 is amazing... critiques on the song are, as always, welcome.

Sixteen minutes
Eternity waits
Alone in the darkness
Soft tears come in late
The pain could be over
This moment spins fate

He numbers the stars
He calls them by name
Each lost in the night
Is found by His claim
This soul’s crying flight
Afraid of its shame
Is changed in a moment
To shine with God’s flame

Thirteen seconds
A hope floods in new
Freed peace stays death’s hand
Harsh tears turn to dew
And pain ploughs rich soil
So Christ’s life springs true

He numbers the stars
He calls them by name
Each lost in the night
Is found by His claim
This soul’s crying flight
Afraid of its shame
Is changed in a moment
To shine with God’s flame

What now
Who sees
What lives
I breath
Afraid
No more
I’ve reached
Life’s shore

I hate it when I have to fight old battles again

Sun, 13 Jul 2008 16:35:13 GMT

Especially with the sins that always come back in the same form - you'd think I'd learn. But I guess that's where Romans 7 and 8 comes in. Anyways, here's the song for critique...

The old monster roars again
Not dead in its cage
Resurrected against my thought
Didn’t I kill you before?
Only asleep waiting
Will you ever die
Weaknesses in the cage
And

I’m tired of this fight
I’m waiting to lose
And I just want it to end
Spiral of fate
Won’t just stay dead
Collapse your cage and never rise again
Never rise again

Raging floodtide breaks the dam
Afraid I can’t swim
Sinking alone swallowed so clear
Haven’t I splashed free before?
Only a sandbar’s rest
Will I ever swim
Strengths fighting free today
And

Distant skies and diamond tears
Break the ice of shattered fears
Lonely crystals frightened pearls
Scatter black of night unfurled

Oh btw, the reason I haven't been commenting on any of your lovely blogs is I realized I was spending too much time doing so, so I decided to take a week break from reading and commenting other peoples blogs. I shall resume reading your lovely posts and saying hi on Wednesday. :)

Thoughts on South Africa

Sat, 05 Jul 2008 17:15:23 GMT

The smells and sights of South Africa that impacted me are not difficult-to-eat foods, not poverty, not school uniforms with unraveling holes in the elbow or tiny shacks with corrugated aluminum roofs, not the odor of people who apparently don’t use soap to wash, not the costumes and dances and singing of the welcome and farewell celebrations held in our honor, though these are vivid memories. What I will remember are snapshots of my relationships with the people I came to love: arms choking me and hands clinging to mine as sixty kids at once try to get as close to me as possible for a photograph… the snap of fingers eager to answer a question in class… “La ya rasa man!” – “You’re making noise!”… hundreds of children at morning assembly chanting an empty prayer to the Jesus it breaks my heart that they don’t know… the smell of black, oily smoke invading your classroom that you never know whether it’s a fire to keep people warm while they wait for a taxi or the burning home of one of your students … never having been more aware of being white than when every single person you pass glares suspiciously at you as you drive through a place where white people never come unless they have to … Mamothepa’s sobbing as she clings to you the last day at school, not wanting to say goodbye… “Would you like to learn Sesotho?”

How will this impact my life in the States? God used these moments to break my heart for the lost. The bright, eager eyes of these children face reality, a reality of fear, suspicion, uncertainty, a reality where every girl grows up assuming she will be raped and being taken outside to watch your best friend burned alive isn’t a ridiculous impossibility because it happened to a child across the street. And as the echoes of the song “Come into my heart, Lord Jesus” sung at assembly remind me, all these children have heard of to cling to is a name; they do not know a Savior risen in power over all evil, all fear, and all death. That breaks my heart. And yet the situation made so clear by their stark contrast isn’t too far away from my own doorstep at home. People without Christ to cling to still face realities of uncertainty and fear. My understanding of that reality has moved from the abstract to the concrete in the last weeks, and by the grace of God, I am determined to find how He would have me bring the person of Christ to challenge that reality in ministry to the homeless and poor in my own city.

Stand

Sun, 29 Jun 2008 20:31:52 GMT

So South Africa was AMAZING!!!! A few stories at a time.... I held a lion cub. And fed it. In Africa. Which was awesome. A story with more profit to it... my favorite days of teaching were actually right before standardized testing, when I was finished with the lectures and just said that anyone with questions could come to my desk for help and I spent hours at a time with mobs of seventh grade kids all trying to get as close to me as they could - apparently I was visible from the door only on careful examination as an inch of blond head amidst a sea of red and black heads and uniforms. It was so much fun - I love those kids; I loved hearing the kids I'd just explained something to turn around and explain it to their friends in Sesotho, loved hearing the exclamations of understanding, loved their confidence and joy in pressing in against me without the fear they have with all their normal teachers... two of the best days I've ever had. :)

The song that follows I like the idea but I feel like most of the actual lyrics belong in the shredded-to-pieces lame pile, so please criticize anything and everything so that I can make the idea actually come through, thanks :).

Where did you go?
Why did you leave?
I stand here alone and
I can’t seem to breathe
The night pierces dark
With glowing red flame
You were watching my back
Now you’ve left me this pain

What if I stand
What if I fall
What if I lose my heart
Can’t feel at all
What if I live
What if I die
What if I stay
What if I cry
What if I stand

Prisons of tears
Crystal etched bars
Are teasing my silence
And mocking my God
He’s left you alone
Abandoned for good
Echo ambush of fear
Gag my prayer claim my blood

Stone rolling free
King stands to save
The light bursts death’s nighttime
To conquer my grave
My Lord’s eyes are fire
A pure holy flame
That now calls to the crushed
With Christ’s freedom’s bright reign

In Christ I stand
Never to fall
Here I will gain my heart
Feel my Lord’s call
In Christ I live
In Jesus die
In Him I stay
To Jesus cry
In Him I stand

I'm back

Thu, 26 Jun 2008 14:18:04 GMT

I'm back! Stories and new songs and other fun-ness to come soon. After I manage to convince my body that daytime isn't really the middle of the night....

Afraid of beauty?

Sun, 11 May 2008 21:28:50 GMT

We used to be fooled by beauty. A touch here, a brush there, and we would be amazed at the delicacy of a sunrise or a raindrop that hadn’t really looked that way at all, but existed online in the mind of a person with talent in a virtual world that was only a too-pristine echo of reality. “Seeing is believing,” they say. Not any more. We know better than that. We watch our movies with their unbelievable horizons that look so real – but we know they’re false, a doctored image to suit the needs of the film. Snow? Oh, it’s paper. Red sunrise setting all of Big Bear Lake on fire? Gorgeous – until we notice the tiny blip in the corner that tells us it’s Photoshopped. “Oh, I knew that right away,” we tell ourselves, not wanting to admit we were taken in, if only for an instant. And somewhere along the way, we’ve lost something. We know that the one who believes everything he sees is gullible, so we’ve stopped believing what we see. And with it, we’ve stopped believing in beauty. Is it too take-your-breath-away beautiful to be true? Then it must be a fake. Never mind that day you stood among the Grand Teton mountains and cried because it was so pure, so sparklingly, achingly gorgeous – you don’t want the embarrassment of believing yet another doctored picture only to discover it was all a trap to make you believe the real world could be as beautiful as the photographer’s imagination. But sooner or later, disbelief becomes a habit, and you stand on the rim of the Grand Canyon refusing to be fooled, trying to convince yourself it’s not as beautiful as it looks; if there’s a trap in this, you’ll catch the illusion; all the while hushing the whisper in your heart that wants more than anything for it to be true. Beauty is hard to believe anymore. But something inside us craves it. Why else would it be so easy to fool us in the first place? This world is beautiful. People are beautiful. God is beautiful. Can’t we just, for one instant, push our skepticism aside, quit our fear of being taken in by setting free our desire for beauty to be true, and enjoy it? So what if it is a fake? It’s a beautiful one, and life is more enjoyable trusting beauty rather than fearing it. After all, what’s to say that this time, it couldn’t be real?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I'm leaving to meet my up with my team tomorrow!!! And our flight out is at 8:30am Tuesday!!! I'm so excited!!! Please pray for me... I doubt I'll be able to post while in South Africa, but if you would like prayer updates, just comment (yay for comments being readable in email :D) and if I do get the chance to check my email, depending on who you are, I might possibly give you the url for the team blog we'll update somewhat regularly. Otherwise, please just pray that God would make our team be the love of Christ to the children we will be ministering to, that through teaching English and playing with the kids, we will bring the compassion and kindness of God to those we meet, and that we will be a witness of what a life of following Christ looks like as different from "religion," that we may clearly present the Gospel in our lives and words. I'll catch up with y'all in six weeks!!!

Hope in the Rain

Wed, 07 May 2008 14:53:23 GMT

Can’t see it right now
The fog is too thick
Dark horizon’s mix
Holds me spell-bound
Can’t feel any more
Cold water sheets fast
This next breath can’t last
The torrent implore

Where is the hand
Of a God who is good
Of a peace that will hold
Of a truth I can know
Of a Savior who stood
Where is the hope
Of a Star who is Light
Of a Way who is Truth
Of the Love of my youth
Of a King who makes right

He’s here in the rain
And the rainbow will come
And the dawn break the clouds
And the life burst the shroud
He’s here in the dark
And the sky filled with night
Says as sure as the stars frame our flight
He brings the rain

Can’t see it right now
But fog will grow dim
Far horizon’s glim
Gives me hope’s vow
Can’t feel any more
But water will rise
And truth fill the skies
And beckon life’s door

Here is the hand
Of a God who is good
Of a peace that will hold
Of a truth I can know
Of a Savior who stood
Here is the hope
Of a Star who is Light
Of a Way who is Truth
Of the Love of my youth
Of a King who makes right

In one week... I will be in South Africa!!!! I'm so excited! Please pray for me as the final details of the trip get worked out, that I will trust God completely. Also, I started taking Malaria pills today. They have some crazy potential side effects, none of which have hit me so far, and hopefully won't. But one of the potential ones is severe depression. I would really, really, really like to not have to deal with that kind of mess without the normal support of my family and friends, so please pray that this med doesn't cause it...

In other news, I've got one more final left (in about an hour) which shouldn't be too difficult since this is actually the first college finals week I've had that I'm NOT on meds that make my short-term memory fuzzy - praise God! And then... I'm FREE!!!!! And I get to play Schubert's Mass in C for some guy's recital on Saturday (super super fun!!!) So all in all, this is looking to be a great end of the week. :) Oh, and I get to spend Friday night with a family whose 7-year-old daughter absolutely adores me - what could be better? Not much. God is so good. :)

Nailpolish, or, why college could be fatal

Sun, 04 May 2008 23:01:46 GMT

The girls on my wing tried to kill me a couple weeks ago. They don’t know it. And they probably never will. But nail polish and asthma are a bad combination. And when you add to that mix most of the girl refusing to open windows because it’s cold and only one girl doing it such that instead of airing out the dorm, it merely swirls air that carries the smell of death in the form of an asthma trigger… It was not a good situation. I’ve written before about what physically happens during an asthma attack and how to help someone having one. What follows is a look at a feeble attempt to face what it does mentally head-on – it’s from my journal that night, and it’s unedited.

I’m so scared. I don’t know why… of what. Am I afraid of dying? No. All things considered at the moment, I’d much rather be dead than alive. Is it the process I’m scared of? No. I don’t think it’s dying I’m scared of. I think I’m just… chemically… scared. Whatever it is that is making my hands and legs shaky, is probably also contributing to the fear. There – I got a full breath. I’m so tense. Relaxing would help. Then maybe I could go to sleep. But I’m scared to sleep. Why? I think… because it’s drowning. No one held underwater is going to not get an adrenaline rush with the fear they need to save themselves. I think the fear is probably a physical reaction to that moment I know will come and I will have to let go, sink beneath the surface of sleep and let my body automatically take that first gasp of water – air – uncontrolled oxygen. Maybe I’ll survive it. Maybe I won’t. But it would be a lot easier to face if I knew for sure. I’m scared, God. I don’t know how much of it is a chemical reaction to this and I don’t know how much I’m just failing to trust You. All I know is, there’s a piercing pain in my throat with every breath, and an ache in my lungs, and I think I might throw up… and I’m scared to try to sleep, God. I want to curl up and hide, but my brain is screaming that my hiding place could be a trap. You, O God, are the only true Hiding Place, the only safety that will actively hold me. You alone, O God, will keep me alive or kill me as you see fit, and no fumes anyone can throw at me have any power over me. You are my Strong Tower. In You I am safe, even when I don’t feel like it. So I think I am going to go read Psalm 91 and 46 and go to sleep.

Thank God I wasn’t able to sleep. Because the meds I thought were working weren’t able to do enough by an hour after I took them. By the grace of God, my fear of sleep kept me awake to notice and go spend the night on another floor (a solution I had resisted before because it’s against dorm rules. I changed my mind when it was clear my life depended on it. ) God was my Hiding Place that night, a Strong Tower who kept me safe… and He still is. Even when He uses my own silly fear to do it.

“The name of the LORD is a strong tower; the righteous runs into it and is safe.” – Proverbs 18:10

What's it worth?

Fri, 18 Apr 2008 01:12:35 GMT

What do you get when you cross Hosea 9:6 and trying to stay awake in New Testament? The following. :)

Pleasures today
All spoil and fade
Faltering riches
Die quickly away
Whatever you seek
That's meant for today
Will fall by the way

What is it worth?
Left all alone
Tarnished by time
Losing what shone
Seized by the thorns
Death overgrown
What is the worth
Of the seed you have sown?

[music change from minor to major]

Priceless pure trove
Doth Sparkle and show
Glory of heaven
Shine forth here below
To seek God in true love
His treasure to grow
A lasting fresh hope

What is it worth
Left all alone
Burnished in time
Brightened what shone
Burst through the thorns
Death overthrown
What is the worth
Of the seed you have sown?

Suggestions?

Also, would a post about asthma, entitled "Nail-polish, or, Why College Life Really Could Kill You" interest anyone, or have I thoroughly exhausted the asthma topic?