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| society is blind...<Photo 1>and I'm a victim of it, just like many many others. I'm not drunk right now, this is a serious post. I can't sleep because I feel the weight of a people in dire peril, and I'm completely helpless in the wake of it.
helpless is the best word I can use to describe the feeling. let me explain my situation as if you even fucking care.
hi, I'm a psychiatric patient. I take antidepressants and antipsychotics. many of you probably don't even understand what this means. many of you might even be thinking "wow, you must be crazy to be on meds like that!" in any event, you're an idiot. again, let me explain. this is my story.
I used to be depressed. I had a lot of reasons for being depressed. post my breakup with my first girlfriend, I was a wreck. it took me a long long time to recover from that. anyone that has truely ever been in love, and lost it because of circumstances completely beyond your control might understand where I'm coming from. as a result of the breakup I developed rejection issues. I was dealing with loss, grief, the whole nine yards. I was such a wreck I began, wrongly, blaming myself for the breakup that was going to happen anyway for very good reasons. (we parted on very good terms, by the way.) that negative thought process stuck for a while before I was able to really get over it. and it affected my life negatively.
2 years later, I experienced what can be called a relapse from the breakup. my mother explained to me that it's very common for feelings of loss and grief to resurface around 2 years after a big breakup of the magnitude mine was. this is part of your emotional self finally processing and releasing all that pent up feeling that's been there since the first episode. this is a natural process the body, mind and soul takes to cleanse itself. needless to say, I was depressed again. very badly so. the depression stuck around for a while and I fell into a world of mind altering indulgence. I began performing poorly in school, and as a rebound became almost manic. my mother saw these changes in me and had me see a doctor, who wanted me to try a number of alternative methods of getting better.
but we didn't get around to those methods because my mother stepped into the picture and suggested Effexor, an antidepressant, as a treatment for my "condition" to the doctor. who was reluctant, but willing to go along with this.
at this point, I'd like to point out that I was going through a phase. a phase that needed to be naturally processed and released. but, like so many in western society, it was seen as a Disorder. my mother, buying into the scare that is mental illness, took action because she was scared for me, and sought the easiest and most common treatment for a fake illness.
at this point in my story, I decided to move to portland, oregon. fresh on a psychiatric drug and ready for a new chapter in my life. one where I was literally leaving behind all the pain and agony I underwent over the past 2 years. this was part of me getting over it all. so I moved out west, transfered schools, changed my major, and started making new friends. these are all stressors, by the way, which affected me a little bit down the road. but I'm jumping ahead of myself.
this antidepressant wasn't doing anything for me. I was already getting over all the shit that I was feeling before, and the drug just fucked with me. it made me feel dizzy, sick, and I had heart palpatations. (sounds dangerous, doesn't it.) so when I came home for break I saw my family doctor, who put me on Lexapro instead, another antidepressant. I was on this drug for about 8 months. it didn't feel like it was doing anything to me, but I felt dirty for putting a foreign, synthetic substance in my body.
this is when things started to unravel. I got depressed again (even though I was on antidepressants) because I was wondering if I made the right choice for my life path (that is, moving to portland and changing schools). I was taking a full load at school, and those stressors I mentioned before? yeah, they kicked in. I went a little crazy. I had horrible anxiety, I was smoking a lot of pot, and I was starting to sort of lose myself. this is a result of the tremendous stress I was feeling but not actually realizing it was stress.
I freaked out. the best way I can describe it is a nervous breakdown. soooo much stress from a new school, with a new major, making new friends, living by myself in a new city across the country. that's a lot to handle, particularly when you're wondering if it was the right move (I think that's where most of my anxiety came from).
so when I went home, I told my mother about it. at this point I was put into therapy (at my mother's suggestion), so I told my therapist about it. his response was that I needed to see a psychiatrist. so, wrongly trusting this man who hadn't actually helped me deal with any issues at all, I went to the psychiatrist. I was so run down by this nervous breakdown that all I wanted was to be well again. I was desperate. in that desperation I listened intently and believed the psychiatrist when he said I had a thought disorder. he put me on antipsychotics and took me off the antidepressants.
now I was on a more dangerous drug. one that fucked me up royally. it was called Risperdal, and it's approved for the treatment of schizophrenia. I'd like to take a quick time out to educate all of you about schizophrenia:
schizophrenia is a "disease" that is poorly understood, and that's because it's not real. people with schizophrenia often have delusions, and hallucinate. most commonly they are paranoid or catanoic. schizophrenia can also be diagnosed when a person is having trouble putting thoughts together, or isn't feeling anything at all. or when they are experiencing social withdrawal. many times, a person will be diagnosed schizophrenic when they don't hallucinate, but believe things that society doesn't believe is true. a friend of a friend was diagnosed schizo-affective because he believed he could talk to plants.
some of you may be thinking "yeah, that's crazy alright. talking to plants? give me a break." once again, you're an idiot. if talking to plants means they are schizophrenic, then every person who believes in god is schizophrenic.
the point I'm trying to make is that schizophrenia is a disease with many theories as to it's cause in the brain, and many theories as to how it's defined and just what the hell it is. no one can fully agree with eachother on the issue. and powerful mind shifting drugs are prescribed to these people.
I was prescribed a drug used to treat schizophrenia because I was told I had a "thought disorder".
back to my story, I took the Risperdal and it fucked me up. I grew quiet. I didn't want to talk. I didn't feel like I could properly communicate, or felt apathetic towards it altogether. I slept often. often. I grew lethargic and had no energy, and constantly appeared to be "down in the dumps". this can be misinterpreted as the negative symptoms of schizophrenia. but let me tell you because I've been there, it's the drugs that made me that way.
so I went back to my psychiatrist and expressed my concerns, and he put me on another antispychotic called Geodon (literally meaning "down to earth"...that should give you a clue as to what the goal of this drug is). once again I was lethargic and slept a lot, but I was able to talk again after a while.
because I was so shaken by my nervous breakdown and the stress, I took a semester off school and stayed home. partly because I wanted to sort myself out, and partly because the drugs were fucking me up so much I couldn't function.
my mother saw how I was on the drugs and couldn't tell if the drugs were doing it to me, or if I was just fucked up. "sick" as some people say. it was the drugs.
I spent this time at home figuring my shit out. calming down from the stress, and trying to re-evaluate what I was doing with my life. all this time I was seeing a therapist, which, like I said before, wasn't helping me at all. I figured all this shit out on my own. therapy is a waste of money.
because the drugs fucked me up so much, and I was in the middle of a sort of existential crisis, my mother saw all this and thought I was depressed again. so what happened? I went back on antidepressants. this time it was wellbutrin, which has a stimulating effect that counter-acted the tiredness I felt from the geodon. I was more awake, more alert, and everything seemed much better.
let me take another moment to explain a little bit about the interactions between these two drugs. this is as my psychiatrist explained it, and it was a serious concern of his at first. geodon acts on the dopamine receptors in the brain. it blocks dopamine from acting on these receptors. a thought disorder is thought to be due to excessive dopamine activity in the brain. this is one of several theories, but it is the most commonly accepted one to date. wellbutrin acts on norepinephrine (the antidepressant action), but also stimulates dopamine activity. because of this, he warned me that I might start having strange thoughts or trouble thinking, and if I did to tell him immediately. in other words, I might get a little "sick" in the head.
guess what? nothing happened. I was fine. don't you think that's a clue that I didn't need the drugs to begin with? I think it is. but no one else sees it that way.
so I went back to school loaded up with antidepressants and antipsychotics. I was also very much ready to tackle school again, and was very eager to get on with my life. I had a tremendously successful semester, free of the stress I felt before. Aced my classes, had a ton of fun with friends, and simply got on very well.
not at this point some of you who are stupid and blind to the truth might be thinking "wow! the drugs must be why everything went so smoothly!" once again, you're an idiot. the real reason everything went smoothly was because I got over the shit I was dealing with before, and was totally ready to take it all on.
I'm sorry this is long, but bear with me. I'd like to talk about the negative impact these drugs have had on me. or, how they have fucked me up. I HAVE to take the wellbutrin to keep from feeling sleepy. I'm not depressed, I don't need it for any other reason. this is 1 drug. the geodon has caused something that's very common with antipsychotics. muscle stiffness and convulsions. my neck occasionally tenses up on the back of my neck, and the base of my throat, causing my head to shake a little and also causing a gag reflex that has made me throw up a number of times. antipsychotics can sometimes cause what's called Tardive Dyskenesia. it's a disorder where muscles contract uncontrollably. there is no cure and it's permanent. this is a fine example of BRAIN DAMAGE. this muscle contraction in my neck scares the shit out of me because I'm afraid I'm developing Tardive, and that I'm permanently damaging my brain. so what was the psych's response to this? MORE DRUGS! "here, take this drug that calms the muscles in the neck specifically, this will counter-act what the antipsychotics are doing to you."
wonderful. that's 3 drugs in order to effectively treat this so called "thought disorder".
now you might be wondering, how do I have a thought disorder? well...I do hold strange beliefs that puritan america calls taboo or false. I believe in spirits, and talking to plants and animals, and I believe in a lot of "new age" mysticism. I'm also a practitioner of the occult. most of you don't know what that means, and I'm not going to explain it here. I'll leave that for another note.
I want to get off these damaging drugs, and lead a drug free life. one that is healthy, because I believe I'm over all the shit I had gone through, and things are finally starting to stabalize around me. but I'm trapped. everyone around me believes that I'm better because of the drugs, not because I simply got over it.
now, what does this have to do with society being blind? you see, psychiatry has everyone fooled. all the people around me are fooled. fooled into thinking that once the body and mind get sick, it can't recover on it's own. fooled into thinking there is only christianity. fooled into thinking the puritan values our country was founded on are the only right values. fooled into thinking we need drugs to conform. fooled into thinking psychiatry is a science and not a pseudo-science. the drug companies are BANKING on our "illnesses" and they are constantly providing clinical studies to create and find treatments for "mental illness". there's a reason we're called the Prozac Nation.
society is so fucking blind, and I, like many many others, am a victim of this. and I'm desperate to escape it.
psychiatry is dangerous! don't trust it!
here are some resources for the curious:
http://www.antipsychiatry.org/
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anti-psychiatry
http://youtube.com/watch?v=1n46ohBsrPI
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| good birthdaymy birthday was great, and it kicked my ass really hard. I payed for it all day yesterday. I'm 23 now. holy shit. now I'm ready for st. pattys tomorrow. got some shit to do tomorrow, but the night ends with drinks! yay! wish all my friends could get together again for it tho. that'd be nice. one friend is better than no friends tho! today has been lethargic. a lot of watching movies on tv. I'm addicted to television. it keeps me company when I spend so much time to myself. I should be productive or something. but usually I don't feel like it. alas. now I just want to crash out, but I'm not tired yet. balls. full day tomorrow. better get some good sleep. mmm, sleep. after tomorrow things are going to wind down and return to a regular school week. the fun's over. at least until next week which is spring fucking break! I hope to hang out with my friends a lot during that week.
ok, this has been pending for a while, so I'm just gonna post it and call it quits. I'm not quite the post fiend I used to be. maybe that will change.
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| I know what must be done.first, I need to re-walk a path I've walked before. I need to remember what it feels like. then, I need to walk forward from there. I gave into lust and greed, seeking the top of the mountain when really what matters is the journey there. and I knew better. I know better. I know the journey is what matters, but I let my desire get the best of me, and I've suffered for it. NO LONGER.
I am a Pagan. this is my path, and I will walk it.
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| My first blog post ever on xanga was on Sunday, February 13, 2005. that's over 3 years ago. I went back through all my posts trying to find the first one. reading some here and there. it's amazing how much has changed during those 3 years. and it's even more amazing what hasn't. I'm still depressed. I'm still lonely. My spirituality is suffering because I've forsaken modern Paganism. I took a test to see what my religion was at Belief Net, and it said I'm 100% Neo Pagan and 98% New Age. That confuses me. I guess I'm still a Pagan in a lot of ways. but honestly, I've been doubting so much of my own beliefs. I keep thinking what if I'm wrong? what if the truth I seek can't be found where I'm looking? I tend to think there's truth that can be found in every religion, every spiritual path. it's just a matter of perspective. how the truth makes sense to you. it's like a language. there's a billion different ways to say truth. and so, where I was once full, I am now empty. searching once again. trying to fill that spiritual hole.
I fill that hole in so many ways. I drink, I smoke, I watch TV, I smoke pot from time to time. all addictions that release me from feeling empty. I used to be this aspiring artist, and now I feel that I have nothing to offer. I'm trying so hard to motivate myself to make art my outlet. it's going to take work, but I'm going to do it. if art can't be my outlet and my means of exploration, then what am I as an artist? I'm nothing. I can't be nothing. I will die if I'm nothing. and I fear I'm getting closer and closer to being nothing.
Lets look at the past 3 years.
The first year I started posting I was living at my parents house, attending art school with high hopes and spirits. I had found Paganism, and explored it fully. I even started a blog about my spiritual explorations in Paganism. I felt like I found a spiritual path that works for me, and that I was walking down a path that I loved. but I was also coming out of a rough break up with my first love. I was in the middle of abandoning the person I used to be and trying to redefine who I was. I've suffered for this, and I've gained.
The second year I was living with my best friend and his fiance in a house downtown Grand Rapids. Despite some hard times, those were some of the best times of my life, and I miss them so much. I miss Dylan, he's my best friend in the whole world. That was also a time of a high for me. I was high on life. I was smoking pot, and drinking, and doing all taht fun stuff, but I felt good about life. I was spiritually fulfilled and I was making great art. I was on top of the world.
Third year. I decided to move to Portland, Oregon and go to a new school and switched my major to Painting. For the first year I was doing great. I loved painting, I was enjoying my classes. and I think I've made some of the best work of my life during this time. but then at the end of my second semester, things started spiraling out of control. I was getting stressed. I was performing poorly in school. I almost failed all my classes. I started freaking out. I was losing my grip on reality. my beliefs were confusing me, I was stressed and depressed and it was like an old cycle had come back to haunt me only this time it was fucking with me.
so I went home that summer and saw a psychologist. I told him about what happened to me, and he suggested I see a Psychiatrist. I told the psychiatrist about my experiences and he decided I have a thought disorder of a schizophrenic spectrum type and prescribed me antipsychotics. I'm still on those antipsychotics today.
I took a semester off school to try and figure out what happened to me and to treat it. This was something that really hurt me. I was depressed, spent all my time watching TV and hanging out with one friend. going out drinking at night. but it wasn't all fun and games. when I first started the semester at home, I was adjusting to medication that fucked me up. I'm pissed that I'm on this medication because I'm not schizophrenic and I don't have a thought disorder. it's this time when I realize how fucked up Psychiatry is. Drugs to fix your problems. Today I still struggle with drugs. I take Wellbutrin for my depression, Klonopin for my anxiety, and Geodon for my "thought disorder". they tried to convince me that my nervous system was on edge and that the antipsychotics would settle it down when really it just suppressed it. I became a drone. a shadow of my former self. no longer was I high on life.
so here I am now. back in portland. going to school again. doing all this shit on my own. doing my own thing in my own time in my own city. I thought that coming back would bring me back to life. but instead I find a stagnation just like I felt at home. what's going on with me? why can't I seem to find happiness and clarity? I've fallen into a new episode of depression, and this is a problem. last time I had a depressive episode I started failing school. this makes things hard because I vowed to do well in school. and so far, I'm doing my best. but it still doesn't seem to fix anything. I still feel like something's missing. I feel alone, I feel depressed, I feel like my art isn't good enough for shit. I'm scared to take intermediate painting because I don't feel like I've got the chops to make anything good. sometimes I wonder why I ever left illustration. I was good at it! I suppose I can still illustrate, but I'm a painting major now. and I miss illustration. I miss drawing shit from my head, and just drawing in general. I miss using photoshop and making web pages and watching movies and playing video games. you might say, why don't you just start doing that stuff again? well it feels strange. it's like I've abandoned all that, and going back to it....there's a wall. an invisible wall I can't get past and I can't identify what it is.
anyway, this has been sitting open, pending a post for over a day. I think I'm just going to post it for what it is. in the meantime, I caught these things below from earlier posts, and wanted to remind myself of them. so I'm posting them again. maybe they will be helpful.
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An old Cherokee, in an effort to teach his young grandson one of
life's lessons, told the young man the following parable, saying:
"A fight is going on inside each of us. It is a terrible fight, and it is between two wolves.
"One
wolf is evil... he is anger, envy, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity,
guilt, resentment, lies, false pride, superiority and ego. The second
wolf is good... he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility,
kindness, empathy, truth, compassion and faith."
The grandson thought about this for a moment and then asked his grandfather which wolf would win such a fight.
The old Cherokee simply replied... "The one you feed."
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"My point is, I
wish I could put aside everything except for what I want to focus
on. I wish I could just take that time and use it for self
discovery and growth. I wish I could just walk into one of the
mystical forests in those fantasy movies and spend however long it
takes inside, with only myself as company and the spirits around
me. And all the time in the world to discover who I really am."
^-in response to that quote above, I realize I'm in that place right now where I can start figuring myself out. but I've gotten lost. I don't know who I am or what I want. I just exist. it's very depressing. fuck it all.
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| It's been a long time since I used this site. but it's always been there for me as an outlet in the past, a record of my goings on. it's the longest chronicle I have, and as such I feel a need to continue with that chronicle. I can post here without fear of anyone really reading it, and if they do, so what. this is more for me than anything else.
I've been thinking a lot about mental illness and how it affects me. it's a very depressing subject. so much has happened in the past 2 years when I went from healthy to ill. the doctors wont give me an official diagnosis, but I'm taking antipsychotic medication which is approved for the treatment of schizophrenia. the doc tells me we're treating a thought disorder, but he's hesitant to diagnose me officially. I'm unable to determine if a thought disorder can occur in the absence of schizophrenia, but I do know that a thought disorder is always present with schizophrenia. looking back on the past year I can find examples of things that occur within schizophrenia. thought broadcasting, thought insertion, hallucinations, paranoia. ultimately it comes down to disturbed thinking and misinterpreting reality. along with social withdrawal and a disturbed sense of self. I can say these things with confidence as I know I've experienced them.
now I struggle with maintaining a level of functional ability. I've developed social anxiety, a co-morbid factor. a fear of being in social situations. I'm very quiet and while I'm willing to share myself with others, I grow anxious in the presence of new company. parties don't go well for me. I shut down. I'm unable to socially function in the manner I could before now.
my mother tells me my negative symptoms are text book. this creates a problem. for how can I overcome something I cannot help?
I'm nervous about starting school again. what if my condition makes it hard? what if my anxiety comes back and holds strong so that I can barely sit through a class? I shouldn't bother myself with such thoughts, for it's 2 months away. but the social context does concern me.
I can only hope for the best. I need to beat this.
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