It's been a long time since I used this site. but it's always been there for me as an outlet in the past, a record of my goings on. it's the longest chronicle I have, and as such I feel a need to continue with that chronicle. I can post here without fear of anyone really reading it, and if they do, so what. this is more for me than anything else.
I've been thinking a lot about mental illness and how it affects me. it's a very depressing subject. so much has happened in the past 2 years when I went from healthy to ill. the doctors wont give me an official diagnosis, but I'm taking antipsychotic medication which is approved for the treatment of schizophrenia. the doc tells me we're treating a thought disorder, but he's hesitant to diagnose me officially. I'm unable to determine if a thought disorder can occur in the absence of schizophrenia, but I do know that a thought disorder is always present with schizophrenia. looking back on the past year I can find examples of things that occur within schizophrenia. thought broadcasting, thought insertion, hallucinations, paranoia. ultimately it comes down to disturbed thinking and misinterpreting reality. along with social withdrawal and a disturbed sense of self. I can say these things with confidence as I know I've experienced them.
now I struggle with maintaining a level of functional ability. I've developed social anxiety, a co-morbid factor. a fear of being in social situations. I'm very quiet and while I'm willing to share myself with others, I grow anxious in the presence of new company. parties don't go well for me. I shut down. I'm unable to socially function in the manner I could before now.
my mother tells me my negative symptoms are text book. this creates a problem. for how can I overcome something I cannot help?
I'm nervous about starting school again. what if my condition makes it hard? what if my anxiety comes back and holds strong so that I can barely sit through a class? I shouldn't bother myself with such thoughts, for it's 2 months away. but the social context does concern me.
I can only hope for the best. I need to beat this.
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