Wednesday, March 12, 2008

• My first blog post ever on xanga was on Sunday, February 13, 2005.  that's over 3 years ago.  I went back through all my posts trying to find the first one.  reading some here and there.  it's amazing how much has changed during those 3 years.  and it's even more amazing what hasn't.  I'm still depressed.  I'm still lonely.  My spirituality is suffering because I've forsaken modern Paganism.  I took a test to see what my religion was at Belief Net, and it said I'm 100% Neo Pagan and 98% New Age.  That confuses me.  I guess I'm still a Pagan in a lot of ways.  but honestly, I've been doubting so much of my own beliefs.  I keep thinking what if I'm wrong?  what if the truth I seek can't be found where I'm looking?  I tend to think there's truth that can be found in every religion, every spiritual path.  it's just a matter of perspective.  how the truth makes sense to you.  it's like a language.  there's a billion different ways to say truth.  and so, where I was once full, I am now empty.  searching once again.  trying to fill that spiritual hole.
  
  I fill that hole in so many ways.  I drink, I smoke, I watch TV, I smoke pot from time to time.  all addictions that release me from feeling empty.  I used to be this aspiring artist, and now I feel that I have nothing to offer.  I'm trying so hard to motivate myself to make art my outlet.  it's going to take work, but I'm going to do it.  if art can't be my outlet and my means of exploration, then what am I as an artist?  I'm nothing.  I can't be nothing.  I will die if I'm nothing.  and I fear I'm getting closer and closer to being nothing.
  
  Lets look at the past 3 years. 
  
  The first year I started posting I was living at my parents house, attending art school with high hopes and spirits.  I had found Paganism, and explored it fully.  I even started a blog about my spiritual explorations in Paganism.  I felt like I found a spiritual path that works for me, and that I was walking down a path that I loved.  but I was also coming out of a rough break up with my first love.  I was in the middle of abandoning the person I used to be and trying to redefine who I was.  I've suffered for this, and I've gained.
  
  The second year I was living with my best friend and his fiance in a house downtown Grand Rapids.  Despite some hard times, those were some of the best times of my life, and I miss them so much.  I miss Dylan, he's my best friend in the whole world.  That was also a time of a high for me.  I was high on life.  I was smoking pot, and drinking, and doing all taht fun stuff, but I felt good about life.  I was spiritually fulfilled and I was making great art.  I was on top of the world.
  
  Third year.  I decided to move to Portland, Oregon and go to a new school and switched my major to Painting.  For the first year I was doing great.  I loved painting, I was enjoying my classes.  and I think I've made some of the best work of my life during this time.  but then at the end of my second semester, things started spiraling out of control.  I was getting stressed.  I was performing poorly in school.  I almost failed all my classes.  I started freaking out.  I was losing my grip on reality.  my beliefs were confusing me, I was stressed and depressed and it was like an old cycle had come back to haunt me only this time it was fucking with me.
  
  so I went home that summer and saw a psychologist.  I told him about what happened to me, and he suggested I see a Psychiatrist.  I told the psychiatrist about my experiences and he decided I have a thought disorder of a schizophrenic spectrum type and prescribed me antipsychotics.  I'm still on those antipsychotics today.
  
  I took a semester off school to try and figure out what happened to me and to treat it.  This was something that really hurt me.  I was depressed, spent all my time watching TV and hanging out with one friend.  going out drinking at night.  but it wasn't all fun and games.  when I first started the semester at home, I was adjusting to medication that fucked me up.  I'm pissed that I'm on this medication because I'm not schizophrenic and I don't have a thought disorder.  it's this time when I realize how fucked up Psychiatry is.  Drugs to fix your problems.  Today I still struggle with drugs.  I take Wellbutrin for my depression, Klonopin for my anxiety, and Geodon for my "thought disorder".  they tried to convince me that my nervous system was on edge and that the antipsychotics would settle it down when really it just suppressed it.  I became a drone.  a shadow of my former self.  no longer was I high on life.
  
  so here I am now.  back in portland.  going to school again.  doing all this shit on my own.  doing my own thing in my own time in my own city.  I thought that coming back would bring me back to life.  but instead I find a stagnation just like I felt at home.  what's going on with me?  why can't I seem to find happiness and clarity?  I've fallen into a new episode of depression, and this is a problem.  last time I had a depressive episode I started failing school.  this makes things hard because I vowed to do well in school.  and so far, I'm doing my best.  but it still doesn't seem to fix anything.  I still feel like something's missing.  I feel alone, I feel depressed, I feel like my art isn't good enough for shit.  I'm scared to take intermediate painting because I don't feel like I've got the chops to make anything good.  sometimes I wonder why I ever left illustration.  I was good at it!  I suppose I can still illustrate, but I'm a painting major now.  and I miss illustration.  I miss drawing shit from my head, and just drawing in general.  I miss using photoshop and making web pages and watching movies and playing video games.  you might say, why don't you just start doing that stuff again?  well it feels strange.  it's like I've abandoned all that, and going back to it....there's a wall.  an invisible wall I can't get past and I can't identify what it is.
  
  anyway, this has been sitting open, pending a post for over a day.  I think I'm just going to post it for what it is.  in the meantime, I caught these things below from earlier posts, and wanted to remind myself of them.  so I'm posting them again.  maybe they will be helpful.
  
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  An old Cherokee, in an effort to teach his young grandson one of life's lessons, told the young man the following parable, saying:
  
  "A fight is going on inside each of us. It is a terrible fight, and it is between two wolves.
  
  "One wolf is evil... he is anger, envy, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, lies, false pride, superiority and ego. The second wolf is good... he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, empathy, truth, compassion and faith."
  
  The grandson thought about this for a moment and then asked his grandfather which wolf would win such a fight.
  
  The old Cherokee simply replied... "The one you feed."
  
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  "My point is, I wish I could put aside everything except for what I want to focus on.  I wish I could just take that time and use it for self discovery and growth.  I wish I could just walk into one of the mystical forests in those fantasy movies and spend however long it takes inside, with only myself as company and the spirits around me.  And all the time in the world to discover who I really am."
  
  ^-in response to that quote above, I realize I'm in that place right now where I can start figuring myself out.  but I've gotten lost.  I don't know who I am or what I want.  I just exist.  it's very depressing.  fuck it all.
  

  Currently Listening Ghosts I - IV By Nine Inch Nails see related

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