I dreamed a dream of endless nights, of tears and solemn vows

I saw the sky and moonlight, as tears came pouring down

And I fell to the ground

I’m lost without your simple smile

My path is left unknown

To whom this was written for

I don’t know where to go

You’re always all I know

The steps I take are all in vain, when I hear you voice

And from this pain I can’t refrain

Why are you a choice?

Six months gone and all was well, until I heard that ring

Now my mind drifts off, to a place I only dream

I’m torn at the seams

The fire still burns within, but I dowse the rising flames

I won’t make a leap because the sting

This is all left to you

It’s you turn to come on your knees, I won’t make that drive again

My heart has bled, my nerves at ease, until this feelings dead

I can’t get it out of my head

The swirling voices, the lying eyes treat me so unfair

I ask forgiveness for what I’ve done and I am now again prepared

But I don’t like how you’ve faired

I am afraid to admit my deepest and darkest with fear of rejection

Who is left to be hurt?  Will it be by my hands?

Would you sacrifice? I am in my element with you.

I find the shadows for comfort, but left empty

Only God hears my cries, only God knows my pain

Consider these words a testament

Which one will be honest first?  Why is it so easy for others?

The music plays softly and my theme carries through the wind

I want the sweet nectar to touch my lips once more

Never leave

It's been a while since I have posted anything on either of my sites.  It is 1:03am CST on 12/11/05...my 23rd birthday.  I know...Happy Birthday!!!  Things have started looking up.  It looks like I have a really good chance at getting a job with the State of Arkansas, working for the Department of Human Services.  Which also means, good benefits and a chance to move back out of my house.  I love my parents and all but I want my independence and privacy back.  I have a wonderful girl in my life.  It's funny how things work...how God works.  She's the female version of me, almost.  She has helped me so much through the ruff times, and listens to my feelings, that and she understands how my mind works, which is great...no mixed signals. 

All I asked for, for my birthday and Christmas was furniture, so when I move back out so everything matches.  My good friend Mitch and my brother came up for the weekend, it has been fun.  Although Mitch came to see a girl, we have still had some good times laughing, those guys always make me laugh.  I don't have any big plans for today, and not really excited about the whole ordeal, but I guess that all comes with age.  I also received an amazing phone call on Friday, a good friend from college called me up to wish me an early happy birthday which I did not expect at all.  God is doing great things in my life.  Wow, this has no order and sounds like random garble, but then again that’s just me.  I am still praying for those who were once so close to me, but life is turning out better for me then it would have otherwise.  Once again, the Lord works in mysterious ways.  I could have missed the pain, but then I would have missed the dance.  Well you all have a wonderful day, and I am praying for everyone.  Also, please keep me in your prayer.  Thanks guys for everything.

-Jef

Currently Listening The Gift By Kenny Rogers see related

I spent Thanksgiving all alone.  My parents went to Virginia and I couldn't really go because I had to work, and my younger brother didn't want to make the drive home since I would be the only one here.  I was invited to several places but just didn't feel right going.  Being a family holiday and all.  It's weird how everything has changed and how my desires along with my dreams have completely shifted.  I have almost stopped thinking long term, seeing how that is a continuous let down.  This is the first time I have been completely alone since the nightmare.  It's funny how much time I have to reflect.  But I push it aside, because it's a unwanted distraction...one of the few parts of my life I would like to forget about.  I'm left with that sinking feeling, the one where you don't know what's wrong, something just doesn't feel right.  Like a dog on a leash I followed...and would have followed to the ends of the earth.  I even begged like a dog.  But I was just sent to the pound...will I be euthanized or picked up by another desirable owner?  One who won't mistreat me, one who will love me, one who won't leave.  I am going to attempt to go shopping tomorrow.  Mostly doing my parents shopping for them since they will be on the road.  They'll pay me back though.  If you had of asked me six months ago where I would be today I could have told you what I thought.  If you ask me today where I'll be in six month...I have no earthly idea.  It's funny how you don't notice those slight changes, and one day you step on that scale, and your world comes crashing farther in then it ever had before.  I thought this change would rectify everything, I thought I would find answers.  Instead, I have found more unanswered questions, more guilt, more pain.  At the same time more Joy from my God then I have ever had before.  I am tested, I am tried, and in some instance feel like "Job" knowing that God will hear my cry and answer me.  He will not forsake me.  I know His reward will be much sweeter then I could ever imagine.  I pace myself, in hope to not be in a hurry.  To much has already passed me by.  Thanks.

-Jef

I answer to no one but God.  You judge me but you don't even know me.  You should pluck the moat out of your eye before you try pulling anything out of mine.  Conviction brings anger.  But I am not angry, I am filled with joy.  You try to push my buttons, but I have God on my side...so you can't even begin to push hard enough to conquer Him.  I will not be moved.  I don't tell you what you need to do, but you know what you should do, and you know your place on this earth, not me.  So go ahead, cast your stones, heat your furnace, and starve your lions...but you don't scare me.  Pray.

-Jef

Currently Listening Fortress By Sister Hazel see related

What am I supposed to say? What am I supposed to do?  Won't you sing to me your poetry?  Lift it all up.  Struggles let us know that God is still working in our lives.  Lean on Him and you can't fail.  It's a beautiful thing.  Sadistic in nature, you torment yourself with your desires, tossed about like a ship on open water.   I want to be overwhelmed by you, I want what you want...I just don't know what you want.  "So I wait, and I wait...and I run both scenes through my tired head."  If time would just stop and the morning would never come, then the night would never end.  I have never been good at comprehending, which makes it difficult to read you.  My temptation leads me to places I feel I can only dream about. Do dreams come true?  I save a moment in my day, just to think of you, and only you.  You can't put a measure on time.  How long or how short makes no difference when it comes to the matters of the heart.  I do a number on myself, trying to decipher your words.  You find peace in my words, attempting to find understanding, attempting to find answers.  I'm on a newlywed high.  Those beginning moments when everything seems perfect, and there are no questions to answer; I just follow my heart.  Take a breath, close your eyes, and don't be afraid to dream...because in my world...I make dreams come true.  Smile.

-Jef