It smells like fall outside. I can feel the freshness of a new year. A newborn baby with an old soul, everything is more beautiful than it's ever been. I am the tree, shedding my leaves. They fly away on zephers. Bluest skies and whitest suns. I will let myself be bare. And New. And Reborn.
  No one else in the world knows how good it feels to be me right now. I feel like I can hold the sun in my orange branches. The endless sky begins at my fingertips and the oldness of the world is tangled in my feet.
  My old leaves fall to the soil and nourish me.
  I will grow. Buds and flowers will burst from my fingertips...
                But today I am a painter.
  Apples on my limbs and in my cheeks.
  I am the newest I've ever been.

  

 

 

 

 

   

 

The love of my life is named Matt. He was my first boyfriend, first kiss, first person to hold my hand. I lost my virginity to him. And the whole time we were together I totally took him for granted. He was the most amazing boyfriend anyone could ask for. He bought me things, he called me all the time, he was smart, he understood me, he loved me. So much. I loved him too. But I didn't really realize how much until I wasn't with him anymore.
I cheated on him. I ask myself why every single day.

This is the one thing in my life that I regret the most. The one thing that if I could change anything, I would change this.
I cheated on him. I hurt him. Knowing that I hurt someone that badly, someone that I love so much, kills me. I think about it all the time. And it makes me sick with guilt.

When I lost my virginity, I wasn't ready yet. I thought I was. Matt and I had been together for 10 months at this point. I was sure I was ready. But once it actually started happening, I started crying. I don't really know why. I went into the bathroom and stared at myself in the mirror while I cried because for some reason, now, not being a virgin, I looked completely different. When I went back into my bedroom Matt was sitting at the edge of my bed with tears in his eyes. I asked him why he was crying and he said "I never ever want to hurt you." And he held me.

I was a different person when I was with him. He made me whole. I was so happy then. My life was so great.
Without him I feel hollow.

It's been exactly 7 months since everything ended. In that time I've done a pretty good job at doing everything to make myself miserable and losing all of my friends.

There was one time, I was really upset, I had been thinking about shit that had happened with my dad (another entry for another time). This was right around the time we first got together. I was crying but I didn't want to tell him why because I knew he wouldn't understand. I told him "I'm in a dark place right now".
And he said "I know I can't be a lighthouse, and light up all of the darkness, but let me be your flashlight."

It's so hard knowing that there is someone I love this much that doesn't love me anymore.
I dream about him all the time. That's the worst part. I'd probably be able to be over him by now if it weren't for those fucking dreams. He always forgives me.
The last one I had: I went over to Matt's house uninvited. He was being a dick to me at first and trying to get me to leave but I kept on following him around telling him that I needed to talk to him. Finally, we went upstairs and were alone and I broke down and I started crying and I said "No one knows me like you do and no one knows you like I do. You were my best friend and I miss you. I want us to be friends again. I can't do this without you." And he just started hugging me, the way that he used to when I would cry. 
And the thing that murders me about these dreams is when I first wake up I always feel this new lightness in me. One time I had thought to myself "you can finally be happy again because everything is solved". It's like I think that what I dreamt is what happened to me yesterday. And then, very slowly I start to realize that it was just a dream. And that nothing is solved. And the tears start.

It's like all I ever do is cry.

Even if he wanted to get back together now, it wouldn't be the same. That person I was then has died and she can't come back. And all this new person does is fucking hurt the people that she loves.
I hate what I've become without him.

And all I want to do is to be able to call him and tell him how much I miss him. Just be able to talk to him.

 

First my dad killed me. And Matt woke me up again. And then I died the day Matt wouldn't take me back (a whole lot faster and more openly than my dad).
And now I'm just waiting for someone to wake me up again.

Please?