| I wanna sing, I wanna fly, I wanna see from Your side of the sky..<3okay so when i went to harwood for seventh and eighth grade everyone thought it would be funny to make fun of the new girl (ie me) and the "popular" kids were at the core of it. well a group of the guys who were in the "popular" group go to the same church as me and we always go to camp together, and while i have hung out with them since then i couldn't help but look at them and think wow these guys ruined my life in junior high how is it that i am hanging out with them now, and how do they have no idea. so needless to say it still bothered me and i still cried about it and how they made me feel til camp. well monday before we left i was watching them playing football waiting to get on the bus and i couldn't help but wanna cry, i looked and them and was like well see it doesn't bother them they're having fun why does it bother me? i should be having fun too. well monday night at worship God told me in the most simplest terms, that i had to confront them and tell them i was forgiving them even though they probably didn't even remember. and i talked to my best friend tiffany about it cause she went to camp too. and so she was like well you need to do it you need to do it, and she was talking about how the guys have changed and even though i know they have i didn't want to believe it. so all week i was like okay God i can't do it, these guys are going to make fun of me when i get up in front of them and i can't do it, and wednesday night at worship he like slapped me in the face and was like you HAVE to do this in order to grow with me. so i went and talked to Lee who is the guy's caregroup leader and i told him everything, he was on my side and was telling me the same thing that tiffany had been telling me all week, that if i didn't do it i wouldn't be able to grow past a certain point, and that he would be there with me through everything. so i asked him to tell the guys that there may or may not be a confrontation between a girl from a long time ago and them. and he said he would. well come to find out he took the guys, made them walk down the stairs from the 6th floor of their dorm to the basement, sat them in the grossest part of the basement and scared the crap out of them basically, and then made them sit down there and do nothing. so naturally the guys try to figure out who it is and lee is like i'm not going to tell you who because she may not do it, so they're all naming off girls and then they've named everyone they can think of and they're just kinna talking quietly and one of the guys named ryan aka bean, stands up and hes like guys i figured it out, i know who it is shut up and listen to me. and so they're all like who is it bean? and he goes guys guys it's susan, and the first one to speak up is casey and hes like no it isn't her you know she came to our games all week, and aaron who i used to work with was like it can't be her i worked with her there wasn't anything awkward but they knew it was me. so while this was happening tiffany and i were sitting in our dorm and we were looking up verses, and she told me to write down everything i felt about it and so i had about 3 pages of verses and feelings i was going to share with them. well we thought that wasn't specific enough so we actually wrote like a 3 page speech for when i got up in front of them, and i memorized it and it was on, i was going to do it thursday morning at breakfast. well thursday morning came, and i woke up about....20 minutes late. so i couldn't do it at breakfast, so then i decided okay i'll do it at lunch, but i wanted to wait til they were done and pull them all out side cause i didn't want to cause a big scene, so i'm sitting eating my lunch, tiffany on one side of me then christina and christina and then danielle on the otherside of me, and tiffany was the only one with the exception of kimi our caregroup leader who knew what was going on, so christina (the first one) is the nosiest person i have ever met, and apparently the guys were trying to figure out what i was going to say, they were all scared and so christina is like "so what are you doing with the guys" and i was like what do you mean, we've been with them all week, and she was like "well mike said that you are going to do somehing to them blah blah" and tiffany does not take it lightly when people discuss something they don't need to be discussing with someone they do not need to be discussing it with, so she heard mike's name, jumped out of her chair, ran across the cafeteria threw someone out of her way and out of a chair slammed the chair around and sat down next to mike and was like mike we need to chat, and the other guys were sitting there like oh dang what'd you do mike...and i don't really know why but i lose it, so i'm sitting at my table balling, danielle doesn't even know whats goign on but is there helping me, and christina is still sitting there asking what is gunna happen, i was seriously about to hit her in the face. so then tiffany comes back and i'm just like i quit, mike was the worst of them out of the group that's here and he is going to make fun of me if i get up in front of them i'm not gunna do it. and tiffany was like well know for sure by the time i get back from rec, and i was like okay whatev i already know for sure, so i just finished taking a shower, had changed into my PJs and was lying on my bed about to go to sleep when tiffany comes pounding on my door, she got back from rec early i was like tiffany i'm not going to do it the end now let me take a nap, and she was like Susan Elizabeth Sullivan open this door right now i have to tell you something. and so i went and opened the door, and she comes barging in and sits on my bed and pulls me down sitting with her and is like i ran into mike on the way to rec, and i was like yipy doo whatever he was prolly making fun of me, and she was like susan shut up and let me tell you what happened, so i was like okay fine, and she goes "i saw mike on the way to rec and i was like she isn't going to do it, she's done, you guys scared her again and she isn't going to do it, and mike was like well why, and i was like well because she thinks you guys are going to laugh at her and she doesn't want that to happen so she isn't going to do it, so mike was all well how am i going to be able to talk to her now i need to talk to her and i was all like i don't know she isn't going to do it, so he was all like am i goingto have to find her to talk to her about it and i was like i guess so, and he was like okay well i'm gunna find her and do it after dinner" well when she told me that i was like okay i have to do it, if mike who was the worst out of the entire group is going to come find me cause he is worried about it i have to do it for them. so i get ready for dinner and worship and i don't want to do it at dinner, again i don't want to make a big scene so tiffany and i decided i should do it during church group time cause we never do anything during that time anyway. so after worship i give lee a list of the guys and he gets them together and takes them into the left wing of stairs in the worship building, and i am following slowly behind with tiffany and danielle (who still didn't know what was going on, just a few details) and kimi and i fall. i physically could not walk anymore, and so im sitting there on the floor like oh man i hope this isn't a preview of what's about to happen, so we pray and i get myself back up and walk in there where they are, they're standing on like the 6 stairs that go down to the bathrooms and they are all worried out of their heads about what i am about to say, and all i can get out before i start crying is that you guys intimidate the crap out of me, so i turn around cause i don't want them to see me cry and im standing there tiffany right in front of my face and danielle on one side kimi on the other and lee comes around, and they're like what are you doing, blah blah, tiffany pulls me over and is like these guys look like they are going to cry they are so scared theyre sitting down now and i was like tiffany don't lie to me, and she was like i'm not okay this is what this whole week has been the build up for, you have them here theyre ready to listen now turn around and tell them what you planned, tell them how bad they hurt you and everything we have written down for you. so we pray again and i turn around, and i don't know what i said, it wasn't the speech i had planned but apparently it was totally impacting because by the time i stopped talking they all looked like they were about to cry, and casey starts talking and i don't remember what he said but then mike raised his hand, i have never heard anything intelligent come from mikes mouth so i was scared and then he spoke, he was like "thank you for telling us about how bad we hurt you, i'm sorry and i know we all are because we never knew how much one thing can impact a persons life, and i know that we don't deserve to be forgiven but thank you so much for forgiving me" and all this other stuff, then they all got up and like football huddled around me and gave me a huge hug, and then casey was like can i talk to you, we sat out there for an hour talking and he hugged me about 10 times and i have never been hugged that tight, he was like trying to take all the pain that they caused me and put it on himself it was the most amazing thing ever, and i felt 2 tons of weight lifted off of me, i mean i don't know how much that is but it was alot..and so now i know i have 6 amazing guys on my side that are going to help keep me accountable this year, and _ _ _ _ _ may even be my bf soon if _ _ _ _ _ _'s plan works out...
i took a huge step at camp and came out amazingly...
lemme know what you think, if you read all that i applaud you.
†Suzi |
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<and this will never happen for me