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| i am so sick of myself.
also, i gained a pound. i know it doesn't sound like much but it is directly in correlation to my stuffing my fat face over the last few days and eating normal sized dinners and snacks. ugh.
i feel like my life is falling apart in so many places right now, but this is the only one that i'm going to share. MAJORLY stressed out, though.
and it's all my fault.
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| it's weird because this time, the hunger doesn't even bother me.
120.
        I won't lie. i am love with this girl. beautiful.
lately i think i've been eating about 800-900 calories, plus plenty of working out. yesterday, 33 flights of stairs plus the standard situps, pushups leg lifts, and other floor work.
i've only binged once, and for the most part i just eat what i want during dinner.
i don't even hate myself or the way i look that intensely. i know there is a lot of work to be done, but i dont feel as much of a need to make myself suffer. (maybe i've just gotten used to it?)
i hope this is sustainable.
the only thing i've noticed is that i've been acting a bit spottier lately, like forgetting things after i say them, forgetting where i am, turning on coffee makers without the pot... that sort of thing. i guess that's normal.
there is always a price.
hope you're all well.
<3
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| i found an old journal of mine, and it appears that 2 years ago i weighed exactly as i do now. My measurements are all the same, save half an inch less here, and half an inch more there. funny how that happens.
i'm not sure what to think.. mostly i guess i'm just disappointed that these last two years have been a waste of time, in that regards. i've gotten nowhere.
in 2004 i weighed 109. granted, i was 15, and that sort of thing comes easier at that age. but that's not going to stop me from trying to get back there. and don't give me any of that psychoanalysis bullshit.
i was able to exercise off more than i ate today, which is always a good thing.
730 cals from swimming (2.25 km); 670 cals from food.
i ate a shitload yesterday though, so have much to atone for.
today i feel like swearing. fuckity fuck.
also, my school is on strike. all that really means to me is that i've got to get up even earlier tomorrow morning, in order to get my butt downtown to work. because that's just the way it goes.
and i'm off!
goodnight, everyone. xx
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| i am too tired to fight anything.
i don't understand where the fuck my weekend went.
i am going to singapore on exchange in December and life has been an endless stream of arguments, stress and tears lately over silly petty things with my bf about the trip.
last night consisted of more arguments, ultimatums, being carted back downtown because i can't be trusted not to hurt myself. it consisted of saying and admitting all sorts of hurtful things, self-abusive secrets, of "i don't love you either"s and "fuck you too"s, of running down hallways, being tackled in stairwells, of crying and whimpering in an incomprehensible mass on the floor. of "i love you, i really do"s and being carted home again at 2am.
i don't give a fuck if i've gained weight; weighing in on next Saturday and no sooner.
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| oh, the sweet fleeting satisfaction of losing a pound or two.
for that one second, i can feel that i've actually accomplished something, that i am getting Somewhere.
I can be happy. I deserve to be happy.
and then it's back to the daily motions of restriction, deprivation, always movingworkingreaching for that god damned green light that we will never really touch.
if anything, i worry more, i eat less, because heaven forbid i let myself slip up and put back on that extra pound. the food that i do eat has lost all taste, i shovel it in as if i were actually starving, as if i needed it to keep me alive (not true). i am so preoccupied with my "suffering," my "starving;"
how is it that i have let this consume my life so?
it wasn't meant to be like this.
think that all your problems will be solved when you're thin?
it is the only problem i can think about these days.
every spare second, every last ounce of energy i have is spent obsessing over my weight, feeling my sides to make sure the bones are still there, trying to remember if i've counted and recorded everything i ate, wondering if it will be okay to eat tonight.
and i'm not even that bad off, compared to a lot of you girls.
i guess i'm preaching to the choir.
on an unrelated note, i am listening to U2 right now.
lol.
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