and i ♥ myself when i'm good....

yesterday i fasted.

now today and tomorrow, i will too.

i'll post my long term plan when i get home, and decide when i'll start it. decide how long this fast will last.....i can feel i dont have any control right now, i have to just...pretend i do or everything will just cave in around me. i couldnt have picked a worse time to start this....going away for the weekend with mum and her boyfriend.....ah~~it will test me thats forsure.....i've been so disgusting this past 2 weeks. i have to do good or else, there's just no hope.

<3 back in 2 days.

Currently Listening Waga Arubeki Basyo By Mucc see related

well i managed to fast that day i said i would. but then the last two days have been frighteningly bad. i weighed myself. i'm back up to 120. two weeks ago, i was at my low weight, of 108. now, i cant remember the last time i was this fat. i look so hideous, i can see the damage everywhere. my whole body has expanded. my bones are so hidden, i used to be able to grab my hip bones when i was standing, and not my stomach. now my hip bones are hidden, with my stomach hanging over...and my beautiful collar bones have sunken back in to my lard reserves......i feel pure repulsion for myself. i'm stopping this now. i refuse to ever revert to the fat sloth i was.

i have to work today, at both jobs, and tomorrow we are going to the starbelly jam festival for the weekend.

today, and saturday/sunday i'm going to fast. then i have worked out a plan to finally get these last (and new) layers of filth removed. i'll post it later, when i get home.

i want to start my plan on monday, but if my fast is going well, i'll continue with that for awhile longer.

i'm totally trashed on laxies right now.....its gotten so bad with that. yesterday i only took 24 extra strength and drank a half box of laxative tea. day before, 48 extra strength and the other half box. on the weekend i took over 120 extra stregth, 98 in one day. and drank a box of the tea. i'm really starting to feel worn from this. my whole body aches. i need to stop eating, so that i dont have to take them anymore.....

i'll post when i'm off work ♥

Currently Listening Mune No Ringtone By Yuko Ogura see related

alright, this is getting goddamn ridiculous.

if i comsume anything besides greentea, laxatives or water tomorrow, i'm killing myself. i've never been so upset over my loss of control before. i've never been so serious about ending it all if if i cant get my control back. i've just had so many broken promises lately, day after day i say this is it, and it never is. well this IS it. this is my last chance. and if i fuck up then thats it.

i will be 105 by the 16th.

i dont know why i keep wrecking this for myself. i wasnt even HUNGRY. and if i was, i dont get why i would eat, because i love the hungry feeling. i would give anything to have the pain of being empty right now.

at least a bunch of it came out, i mean, i cant purge anymore, but at least some just comes out by itself.

<3 my damaged esophagus. lol

okay.i just need to get a hold of myself, i think i need some sort of symbol type thing again. as foolish as it is, i need a bracelet or something i can always keep on, and say, 'oh i cant eat with this on' not that it really does anything, its just like, an excuse besides 'cause i say no' you know? ah, well it helps me.

okay, i'm upset, i'm gonna find some sort of bracelet, make greentea and goto bed. tomorrow will be good. tomorrow will be a success, or else there is no use in anything.

yesterday, turned out almost as bad as the past week. i've never had so much trouble getting myself back on track......but today i had quite a bit also....

alot......more than yesterday, but it was all healthy instead of all crap.....umm...tmorrow is gonna be discouraging, but as long as i get past the first day, its all okay.

(-.-);;;

well, tomorrow its back to work, so i'll start my fast tomorrow.

i walked quite a bit yesterday...today i'll go on the rebounder, and tomorrow will be better for exercise too. 5 hours of work at the greenhouses, then i have to walk home and then to town, which ahould be about 2 hours walking in total. and i'm going to curves when i'm downtown.

oh~! and i bought more tanning minutes today! i am DETERMINED to be perfect by the end of this month. i will tan and tone and lose~!

and my mum got me so excited!! she told me that there might be a chance i could get breast enlargements for free~! (medical coverage) well, we'll have to goto the doctor, its cause i seriously have no boobs. i look like a 11 year old who just got her period. lol. and if not...well, we are gonna look at the financing thing....as long as i can keep a job throughout the fall/winter, cause greenhouse work, is just for the summer ne......

lost 5 of the pounds i gained, 9 more and i'll be back to my low weight...want to be back to my low by the weekend. i'm really gonna try~! 117 is just grotesque