| well, things have been pretty gay.
mom is doing well. that makes me happy she hasnt been to the hospital or hurt herself in almost six months! yay go mom. she should be able to go back to work soon.
beth got a job, bitch.
andrea is in drivers training.
im doing ok i guess you could say.
I wish some people would just die.
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| hey me mom and sara and beth all went to get tattos yesterday it was fun i got the drama faces on my wrist and mom and sara got a sdun on their elbow pit it cost more than mine so i have to wait to get it till when i can pay for it and after i get it we are all going to go and get a moon on the other side and beth got a really cute little tattoo its a butterfly and its on her hand it was alot of fun it was like family bonding
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| things have been kinda good kinda bad but mostly boring
mom is not in the hospital but she is still not happy and i dont know what to do to change that we've been doing things together but it doesnt seem to help much we fed the ducks played games and i go with her to the store if she wants me to and ive been doing like all the housework i have tried everything ion the past two years to make her happy and i cant and i hate that so much atleast shes not hurting herself but i would give anything for her to acctually be happy
sara has been coming home on visits a lot its nice to see her but it hurts me with how she treats me but i guess i have to get used to it i just dont understand why i have tto do things for her all the time and why i have to clean up after her and be so damn nice and give her whatever she wants and she can sit there and scream at me or tell mom why i souldnt be alive cause im such a fuck up and if i say anything tyo her about it i get bitched at i dont know how much longer i can just bow down to her im so damn sick of it and its really tearing me down i mean i love sara with all my heart btu i just cant take this anymore
the things with some of my friends still hasnt changed i dont know i guess it is just hard for me to understand why people leave me for sara all the time when she treats people like crap and some people that had told me before that they didnt want to talk to me untill i got my shit together cause they were mad about me popping pills and drinking and everything well now they do the same damn thing and they gave me so much shit for it and to this day give me shit for it when they are doing the same damn thing and now that im not diong pills i smoke once in awhile and drink smoewhat alot btu it depends on th e week and how im feeling i dont see how they can still have their heads up their asses when now they are kinda doing worse than me
there is so much more on my mind but i dont want to get into it but this is all to much to handle
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| why are her feelings so much more fucking important than mine
what makes her life worth more
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| ugh..
people agravate me
im sitting here doing nothing
mom is doing ok i think sometimes its hard to tell
sara has been home for 8 days its been ok bu i have a really hard time whenever she is here
eddy is still gone and i miss him alot
i wonder if it is that my friends are my friends for me or cause my sister was gone its hard to tell but i fell as if some of my relationships are starting to fade with her return second guessing weather or not people are here for me or if i was simply there stand in waiting for things to change a fate thats never ending
right now i want to run away just leave it all behind i am done with everything at this point life is so goddamn agrivating, its wores than noah im fading away and soon i'll be gone wondering if anyone remembers me wondering if you even care
thrown away at the disposial of others
our relationship is fading
you've left me here alone
at once were close happy and carefree
the kinda of friendship one looks for
but is often never found
and now you've left me here
bleeding on the ground
what reasons did this happen
i am lost in your eyes
my soul is disposable now that shes at your side
why did i forgive you
why did i forget
all the things you've donr to me
you tried to destroy me
you wanted me to die
you went along with all her jokes
and all her hurtful lies
now you say things have changed
you say your my best friend
i wonder if yuour joking
is this another trick
why do i trust you
im making myself sick
to keep her trust you lie to me
you keep me in the dark
hurting me killing my mom
she turned her back on you
she killed you so much
but the secrets you kept
ripped my family apart
your words are now like posion
seeping into my heart
why are we still friends
your the one that did this
that started my decay
i hope you happy with what you've done
you cant undo it this is me
now follow me to my endless sleep
you've pushed me in
and tore me down
while you sit on your pedistool
wearing you crown
your so cold hearted
i dont see how you can feel
knowing what you've done
how can you look at yourself
and think your so fucking great
when your the one whos killed
you helped kill my fate
drown yourself in your own blood
as i sit and whatch you die
this postions ive been put in
is not one ive asked for
thown into the sharks
with nowhere to turn
i dont see your selfhatered
i dont understand
al i know is i need you
so here
take my hand
to you i am a joke
i dont matter
im nothing
now your imind has changed
i dont know what to think
these games are to much
not knowing is killing me
these scares i cant give back
i need you here
but im running away
bruised and broken
in fear of yesterday
living in my own solitude
you were supposed to love me
you're supposed to care
you left me all alone
to live in my despair
when your the one that broke me
left the world to pick up the peices
fuck you
your nothing to me
but then why does this hurt so much
now my heart is dead
i'll wait
i'll die alone
for this is way to painful
all the things said and done
they have just worn me down
my head is spinning
and i dont know why
im spun in this web
of undying lies
so here i'll hide
in the shadow of my soul
and wait for you to realize
my heart is growing old
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