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Monday, February 04, 2008

I'm bringing Xanga back - drop a comment if you're with me!

Thursday, August 10, 2006

Currently Listening
City of Evil
M.I.A.
see related

I remember when I used to get like 30 comments on one post.

Those were interesting and hectic days.

...

I'm glad they're over.

I am happy, though, that I have discovered Myspace.

Sorry Xanga, but you just don't measure up.

In other news, there are people that I miss talking to on xanga...

*Stacie Lacie

*Sam? Where'd you go?

*H, you DO talk to me, I just never get on xanga so I never answer.

*David Seagroves... you are nicer than your brother (Sorry Dan...)

*Girl Named Astrid- I am SO close to Canada right now... talk at me!

*And the rest of you- if you have a my space, let me know. Mine is http://www.myspace.com/the_new_cancerxx .

...

ROCK OUT

Saturday, July 29, 2006

Currently Listening
Don't Let Your Guard Down
By Downtown Singapore
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Well.

...

I don't know how I feel anymore.

Do you?

I mean really, does anyone really know how they feel? Because unless you're Doctor Phil, I would like to hear from you.  You can tell me how you know what you feel and how you got to the point where you know what you want. Because if you know how you feel then you automatically understand what it is that you want, right?

Right?

I had thoughts about Jake today. Yes, Jake Yoon, the kid who unceremoniously dumped me for a very VERY thin girl who worked at my god-forsaken favorite store in the mall. I was just thinking, you know, what did I gain from that entire experience?

Let's make a list.

THINGS I GAINED FROM DATING JAKE-
1) A more extended knowledge of  scene music, art, and people.
2) A really nice aquaintence (H, not Jake).
3) Some help at my fashion show.
4) A few servings of vanilla lattes and biscotti.
5) A really bad Valentine's day
6) A lot of insecurity.
7) No, REALLY. A LOT of insecurity.

I've dated other people, people who I'm okay with now but, hey, it wasn't a walk in the park getting to that point. When I dated Mickey, hm, what did I gain?

THINGS I GAINED FROM DATING MICKEY-
1) A more extended knowledge of European and American metal/rock.
2) A movie.
3) The knowledge that not only could I be dumped for a girl who I hated, but that I may very well have turned my (ex) boyfriend bisexual. (Of course, I don't think any longer that it's possible to do this, but at the time...)

Hm. And now I think of Derek. What have I gained from Derek?

THINGS I GAINED FROM DEREK-
1) A more extensive knowledge of goats and cars
2) A best friend (Yes, that would be Derek)
3) The best prom ever
4) A ton of good memories
5) A shoulder to cry on, a place to go if I ever needed one
6) ...? There's so much more.

So, taking this all into account, am I an idiot?

Friday, July 28, 2006

Currently Listening
Fallen
By Evanescence
Going Under
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Sometimes I get so frustrated with life. Or maybe it’s just myself that pisses me off. I mean, I can hardly blame cosmic forces for my procrastination, stubbornness, and selfish tendencies, can I? And it’s true, nothing makes me madder than when I stay up all night worrying about something I should have done or shouldn’t have said.

One night a couple of weeks ago I did that- stayed up all hours, lying in the dark literally hyperventilating because I couldn’t remember where I had last laid my passport. Visions of sugar plums were far from dancing in my head as I tossed and turned until I finally freaked out enough to get up and ask my father if he’d seen it lying around. But to no avail.

It was only when I got to my room that I realized that the blasted thing was laying on my bedside table.

Meanwhile, I have an enormous and still growing list of things I need to do- things like, “balance the checkbook,” “do laundry,” and “return unnecessary, expensive espadrilles (that’s a kind of shoe, folks) to former workplace.” Or, okay, I would have a list, if I weren’t procrastinating the actual act of making a list.

Consequently, I can’t sleep nights because I have so much to do and I’m worried to death (or maybe just extreme insomnia) about it all.

These are the kinds of things that I’m terrified will haunt me to no end. I am NOT good at making decisions, I have no time management skills, and I procrastinate like hell.

Today would have been my three-month anniversary with Derek. I know he will remember it, but I still hope to God that he won’t, or at least, he won’t dwell on it. But there I go again, being self-centered. What makes me think he’s even still thinking about me? I’m not sure I even deserve thought. I broke up with him, after all. So why is it that I’m the one crying my eyes out, losing enthusiasm at work and with friends, and watching Steven King movies thinking, “Golly, I wish my situation were that simple…”

And he won’t answer me. I tried to contact, tried to stay in touch, tried to continue my friendship with the person who was pretty much my best friend for the past six months- but the man that was always there for me, always the stronger one, and who would graciously let me cry on his shoulder whenever I desperately needed a shoulder, well, he seems to be tired of lending that shoulder. I mean, if he needs space, whatever! I am perfectly okay with that. If he decides to rebound, well, if it makes him happy, then I’m okay. But this not knowing- not knowing where he is or what he’s feeling, not knowing whether or not he hates me- that is truly driving me crazy.

I feel like I was just a step away from being engaged, and now… now he’s gone, as far as I know. Losing your best friend and lover at the same time… well, now, that’s legitimately something to shoot yourself over, especially if it’s your own fault.

The worst part?

I still love him.

Advice would be gratefully taken into consideration.

Sunday, July 02, 2006

Currently Listening
Seventeen Days
By 3 Doors Down
Here by Me
see related

So...

The things I should tell you if you care about me and don't already know...

1) I do NOT like my job... yuck it's bad... all of our clothing is like shipped from Bangledesh, where I'm sure that they use child labour... and it's cold enough to hang meat there... and the music is on a tape that plays for about 2.5 hours and then it starts over again, and the music SUCKS... and if you know me, then you KNOW that I can clean toilets, I can serve food, I can suck up to people I hate- but to me, music is SACRED and thereofore it is very VERY difficult to work to music I hate. Anyway.

2) I'm trying to get a job at one of the following places-
a) A coffehouse/secondhand bookstore called Second Read- the place ROCKS. It's the local hangout for everyone who's anyone in Maine's art industry, lol. Very cool, very... indie, lol.
b) The movie theatre (POPCORN.)
c) The movie rental place.
d) The local art museum.

3) I miss my friends so much that it's about to drive me crazy.

4) I switched from Reds to Camels. Not that it matters, because I never really smoke anyways, but just thought you'd like to know.

5) If I weren't 18 years old and no where NEAR being ready to commit so completely, I would marry Derek. Today. Right now. Because I love him. I do. And now I'm going to shut up, because when I see stuff like this on other people's sites, it makes me want to gag.

6) I'm getting more and more excited about college with each passing day. I already have a few potential friends, too, so it oughta be cool and not as scary as if I were all alone. I'm also really excited about meeting my roomate... she's going to be an international student- how cool is that?

So, anyway, for those of you who still read this, now you know what's goin' on, and it'll be great when you comment me back! You will comment me back, right?...right?

...right?

By the way, the other day I saw The Ringer (finally) and let me tell you, I thought it would be really offensive, but it really wasn't! It was just really sweet and EXTREMELY funny!

"Oh, Mylanta... you are my woman!"

"You scratched my CD you know- you picked it up in CLEAR daylight and you SCRATCHED it!"

lol

rock out