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"oh bones, where have you gone?"

Moo. Cow. My parents physically forced me to weigh myself while they watched. They made me gain five pounds. This has been hell. I will starve down again, I will. I will.

Be back on the 30th with a proper entry, photos, new layout, and comments. I promise. I will not fail myself, or any of you. I will have control again. Nothing will stop me this time. I will fast until I can no longer breath. E-mail if you want to contact me before I get back.

GW1: 90 GW2: 85 GW3: 80

"Chere belle squelette, vous 皻es mon seulement espoir."

A lot has happened. To much has happened. I have grown far to large. Elias and I broke up. I was depressed. I am fasting again. I will not let myself go because of this, I will have control. I will move on.

Tick tock tick tock. Shrink expand, and expand and shrink again. My body continues to play mind games with me. My weight is moving up and down and up and up and down again. Between 89 and 100 here I go. It a vicious cycle and I hate it. I wish I could just be nothing for once. Pure and empty, like a glass cup. I am so strange.

My fast will go for as long as possible. At least until the 17th. I have water, soda water, coffee and tea to get me through. Oh, yes, and the occasional sugar-free full throttle for when I really need an energy boost. Until then water at night and naps and coffee in the morning and mid-day.

I am a cow, and a pathetic cow. I should live at a fat farm. My parents and friends watching me like hawks, making sure I write down every calorie I eat. Yes, mum is making me keep a calorie/food journal so she knows what exactly I eat when she is not looking. Which is hardly ever. I have made a routine of writing lies down, and saying I ate when she was in the loo.. Taking a shower.. Or my favorite when you were at the church office. The truth of what I eat, and when, which is never for the next nine days or so would make her very disappointed in me. I am such a disappointment aren I? I can even please myself.

I am having coffee with Stephanie. I am glad we made up, and we are friends again. She makes me smile and laugh. Though the things she is starting to do again is a bit frightening. Funny isn it? It takes one Anorexic to notice when another is beginning to fall down the rabbit hole again. Except we are not looking for Mr. White Rabbit as Alice was, we are searching for perfection.

Anyway, I think I may ask her what exactly she is doing to herself. She is obsessed with weight, calorie counting, and basically her daily intake of starbucks coffee and vitamin water is well over the normal range for her. This only means one thing. She is working out four times a day and not eating. I better make sure she is doing okay, and not hurting herself. I don want her to end up in hospital. Or end up like me.

Oh yes, didn I tell you? My parents are sending me to the doctors soon. And a psychologist if I keep losing weight. Apparently I am out of their control. But it more like I have control, and they are the ones who stuff their piggy little faces with junk food while I fast. Then break it after a weak of cleansing with a celery stick or ?apple.

Well, I have lines to memorize, school work to finish, (I have to be way ahead by January, I am going back to London, then after that probably Germany for a wedding, then back to San Francisco again to tour with a theatre company) telephone a modeling agency, and go for another run. Is it possible to drop five pounds in one day? Maybe...Three? Three would be lovely, I would settle for three. Psshh. If only I could decided these things, make me the potter and my body be the clay.

FAST until 10/17 ? Maybe longer. I will be back around then & will try to comment everyone back. Sorry about the wait on the photos. I will post them (with a new layout) when I get back.

me

I am still alive. But Hardly.

"I could starve myself, and never lose a pound.. The pain never goes away, it just moves around.."

-edited: protected list. photos coming soon.-

"Yeah, so I'm already dead on the inside, but I can still pretend with my memories and photographs, I've learned to love the lie."

This weekend has been a complete failure. I am not even going to go into how much I ate, or how many times my weight has been fluxing. I am such a unnecessary flab of flesh and fat in this world. Living day to day, with plastic smiles and caffeine to hide my self hatred. I am fasting today, then I have to eat on Sunday because I am having lunch with Stephanie. I will get a salad, or a something Vegetarian/Vegan. Hopefully we can go to Lucinda, it a Mexican place and they have loads of healthy vegetarian and vegan food that is low in calories and fat. Then fasting monday through whenever they make me eat again.

My date with Elias went well again, he got me soy ice cream. I know, I was like awww. Haha. I only ate half of it, but it was so sweet of him. He is not a Vegetarian or a Vegan, but he thinks its cool that I am. We saw the corpse bride before the party, it was so good. I loved it, Tim burton is insane. Completely mad that one is, but he is a genius at the same time. The party was fun, it was pretty chill. We just hung out and danced. I think we might be going to a concert at the Warfield next weekend, that is if my parents let me.

Uggh. My mum and dad have been threatening me like mad, I can stand it any longer. That is partially why I did so horribly this weekend. I was almost feeling content about my weight yesterday, when Elias and I were going to the party he said I looked perfect and he thinks that I don need to loose any weight like my old agent told me. So I was almost happy about my thighs when I got picked up from the party and went to my friend Valerie house. It was her birthday, so Megan and I went to surprise her. Megan and I ran into their living room screaming "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" at the top of our lungs Ginger ( her brothers wife, they are just married. Very cute. And they came up from LA to visit for the birthday celebration) said to me, in front of the whole room, "you look skeletal!" and she talked about how thin I was for at least fifteen minutes.

I felt extremely uncomfortable. It was a complete embarrassment. And they wonder why I rate high on the social anxiety scale? Bloody hell, she was asking "are you anorexic?! Your shrinking into nothing!" I about had a heart attack right there. Everyone was directing their attention towards me. I made my best attempt to lie, and congratulate Valerie. Then while Megan and I were talking to her, I heard Ginger and Lida (Valerie mum) gossiping about my weight with my mum. Uggh. Like I don have enough going on as it is.

I hate church people sometimes, they get into your business. I don want attention. I don want anyone attention, I just want to disappear. One of the reasons I like theatre and modeling, is because I get to be someone else. I get to pretend to be another person for awhile, not me. Anyone but me. I just want to shrink away most of the time. Shakespeare As You Like It says, "all the worlds a stage." And I want the curtain to drop, and sneak out the backdoorostume and make-up hiding my patheticness.

me

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