"Chere belle squelette, vous 皻es mon seulement espoir."

A lot has happened. To much has happened. I have grown far to large. Elias and I broke up. I was depressed. I am fasting again. I will not let myself go because of this, I will have control. I will move on.

Tick tock tick tock. Shrink expand, and expand and shrink again. My body continues to play mind games with me. My weight is moving up and down and up and up and down again. Between 89 and 100 here I go. It a vicious cycle and I hate it. I wish I could just be nothing for once. Pure and empty, like a glass cup. I am so strange.

My fast will go for as long as possible. At least until the 17th. I have water, soda water, coffee and tea to get me through. Oh, yes, and the occasional sugar-free full throttle for when I really need an energy boost. Until then water at night and naps and coffee in the morning and mid-day.

I am a cow, and a pathetic cow. I should live at a fat farm. My parents and friends watching me like hawks, making sure I write down every calorie I eat. Yes, mum is making me keep a calorie/food journal so she knows what exactly I eat when she is not looking. Which is hardly ever. I have made a routine of writing lies down, and saying I ate when she was in the loo.. Taking a shower.. Or my favorite when you were at the church office. The truth of what I eat, and when, which is never for the next nine days or so would make her very disappointed in me. I am such a disappointment aren I? I can even please myself.

I am having coffee with Stephanie. I am glad we made up, and we are friends again. She makes me smile and laugh. Though the things she is starting to do again is a bit frightening. Funny isn it? It takes one Anorexic to notice when another is beginning to fall down the rabbit hole again. Except we are not looking for Mr. White Rabbit as Alice was, we are searching for perfection.

Anyway, I think I may ask her what exactly she is doing to herself. She is obsessed with weight, calorie counting, and basically her daily intake of starbucks coffee and vitamin water is well over the normal range for her. This only means one thing. She is working out four times a day and not eating. I better make sure she is doing okay, and not hurting herself. I don want her to end up in hospital. Or end up like me.

Oh yes, didn I tell you? My parents are sending me to the doctors soon. And a psychologist if I keep losing weight. Apparently I am out of their control. But it more like I have control, and they are the ones who stuff their piggy little faces with junk food while I fast. Then break it after a weak of cleansing with a celery stick or ?apple.

Well, I have lines to memorize, school work to finish, (I have to be way ahead by January, I am going back to London, then after that probably Germany for a wedding, then back to San Francisco again to tour with a theatre company) telephone a modeling agency, and go for another run. Is it possible to drop five pounds in one day? Maybe...Three? Three would be lovely, I would settle for three. Psshh. If only I could decided these things, make me the potter and my body be the clay.

FAST until 10/17 ? Maybe longer. I will be back around then & will try to comment everyone back. Sorry about the wait on the photos. I will post them (with a new layout) when I get back.

me