oh_twiggy's Xanga

Thursday, November 17, 2005

Thu, 17 Nov 2005 21:33:52 GMT

new xanga.

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Thursday, October 20, 2005

Thu, 20 Oct 2005 05:38:30 GMT

"oh bones, where have you gone?"

Moo. Cow. My parents physically forced me to weigh myself while they watched. They made me gain five pounds. This has been hell. I will starve down again, I will. I will.

Be back on the 30th with a proper entry, photos, new layout, and comments. I promise. I will not fail myself, or any of you. I will have control again. Nothing will stop me this time. I will fast until I can no longer breath. E-mail if you want to contact me before I get back.

GW1: 90 GW2: 85 GW3: 80

Sunday, October 09, 2005

Sun, 09 Oct 2005 02:09:53 GMT

"Chere belle squelette, vous êtes mon seulement espoir."

A lot has happened. To much has happened. I have grown far to large. Elias and I broke up. I was depressed. I am fasting again. I will not let myself go because of this, I will have control. I will move on.

Tick tock tick tock. Shrink expand, and expand and shrink again. My body continues to play mind games with me. My weight is moving up and down and up and up and down again. Between 89 and 100 here I go. It’s a vicious cycle and I hate it. I wish I could just be nothing for once. Pure and empty, like a glass cup. I am so strange.

My fast will go for as long as possible. At least until the 17th. I have water, soda water, coffee and tea to get me through. Oh, yes, and the occasional sugar-free full throttle for when I really need an energy boost. Until then water at night and naps and coffee in the morning and mid-day.

I am a cow, and a pathetic cow. I should live at a fat farm. My parents and friends watching me like hawks, making sure I write down every calorie I eat. Yes, mum is making me keep a calorie/food journal so she knows what exactly I eat when she is not looking. Which is hardly ever. I have made a routine of writing lies down, and saying I ate when she was in the loo.. Taking a shower.. Or my favorite when you were at the church office. The truth of what I eat, and when, which is never for the next nine days or so would make her very disappointed in me. I am such a disappointment aren’t I? I can’t even please myself.

I am having coffee with Stephanie. I am glad we made up, and we are friends again. She makes me smile and laugh. Though the things she is starting to do again is a bit frightening. Funny isn’t it? It takes one Anorexic to notice when another is beginning to fall down the rabbit hole again. Except we are not looking for Mr. White Rabbit as Alice was, we are searching for perfection.

Anyway, I think I may ask her what exactly she is doing to herself. She is obsessed with weight, calorie counting, and basically her daily intake of starbucks coffee and vitamin water is well over the normal range for her. This only means one thing. She is working out four times a day and not eating. I better make sure she is doing okay, and not hurting herself. I don’t want her to end up in hospital. Or end up like me.

Oh yes, didn’t I tell you? My parents are sending me to the doctors soon. And a psychologist if I keep losing weight. Apparently I am out of their control. But it’s more like I have control, and they are the ones who stuff their piggy little faces with junk food while I fast. Then break it after a weak of cleansing with a celery stick or ½ apple.

Well, I have lines to memorize, school work to finish, (I have to be way ahead by January, I am going back to London, then after that probably Germany for a wedding, then back to San Francisco again to tour with a theatre company) telephone a modeling agency, and go for another run. Is it possible to drop five pounds in one day? Maybe...Three? Three would be lovely, I would settle for three. Psshh. If only I could decided these things, make me the potter and my body be the clay.

FAST until 10/17 ? Maybe longer. I will be back around then & will try to comment everyone back. Sorry about the wait on the photos. I will post them (with a new layout) when I get back.

Monday, October 03, 2005

Mon, 03 Oct 2005 17:30:41 GMT

I am still alive. But Hardly.

"I could starve myself, and never lose a pound.. The pain never goes away, it just moves around.."

Saturday, September 24, 2005

Sat, 24 Sep 2005 17:44:56 GMT

-edited: protected list. photos coming soon.-

"Yeah, so I'm already dead on the inside, but I can still pretend with my memories and photographs, I've learned to love the lie."

This weekend has been a complete failure. I am not even going to go into how much I ate, or how many times my weight has been fluxing. I am such a unnecessary flab of flesh and fat in this world. Living day to day, with plastic smiles and caffeine to hide my self hatred. I am fasting today, then I have to eat on Sunday because I am having lunch with Stephanie. I will get a salad, or a something Vegetarian/Vegan. Hopefully we can go to Lucinda’s, it’s a Mexican place and they have loads of healthy vegetarian and vegan food that is low in calories and fat. Then fasting monday through whenever they make me eat again.

My date with Elias went well again, he got me soy ice cream. I know, I was like awww. Haha. I only ate half of it, but it was so sweet of him. He is not a Vegetarian or a Vegan, but he thinks its cool that I am. We saw the corpse bride before the party, it was so good. I loved it, Tim burton is insane. Completely mad that one is, but he is a genius at the same time. The party was fun, it was pretty chill. We just hung out and danced. I think we might be going to a concert at the Warfield next weekend, that is if my parents let me.

Uggh. My mum and dad have been threatening me like mad, I can’t stand it any longer. That is partially why I did so horribly this weekend. I was almost feeling content about my weight yesterday, when Elias and I were going to the party he said I looked perfect and he thinks that I don’t need to loose any weight like my old agent told me. So I was almost happy about my thighs when I got picked up from the party and went to my friend Valerie’s house. It was her birthday, so Megan and I went to surprise her. Megan and I ran into their living room screaming "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" at the top of our lungs Ginger ( her brothers wife, they are just married. Very cute. And they came up from LA to visit for the birthday celebration) said to me, in front of the whole room, "you look skeletal!" and she talked about how thin I was for at least fifteen minutes.

I felt extremely uncomfortable. It was a complete embarrassment. And they wonder why I rate high on the social anxiety scale? Bloody hell, she was asking "are you anorexic?! Your shrinking into nothing!" I about had a heart attack right there. Everyone was directing their attention towards me. I made my best attempt to lie, and congratulate Valerie. Then while Megan and I were talking to her, I heard Ginger and Lida (Valerie’s mum) gossiping about my weight with my mum. Uggh. Like I don’t have enough going on as it is.

I hate church people sometimes, they get into your business. I don’t want attention. I don’t want anyone’s attention, I just want to disappear. One of the reasons I like theatre and modeling, is because I get to be someone else. I get to pretend to be another person for awhile, not me. Anyone but me. I just want to shrink away most of the time. Shakespeare’s As You Like It says, "all the worlds a stage." And I want the curtain to drop, and sneak out the backdoor–costume and make-up hiding my patheticness.

Protected List:

DESTINED_xx

vanishing__act

Silhouette_Trace

frightenedlife

MALiBUx3

twentyfourr

Elegant_xMess

RibcagesAndRefusal

sugarfree_lollipop

sassandbide2481

Sunday, September 18, 2005

Sun, 18 Sep 2005 20:44:43 GMT

"I've got a hunger twisting my stomach into knots that my tongue was tied off. My brain's repeating, 'If you've got an impulse let it out,' but it never makes it past my mouth."

My date with Elias went well, he is really funny and sweet. Emily Rose was pretty good, but not scary at all. Only two parts in the whole film startled me. Some of it was a bit gross though, like when her body was all twisted up strange and when she was eating bugs. Nasty. But anyway, Elias and I were like the only ones in the theatre so we lounged across the seats. He was really nervous lol it was amusing, and he put his arm around me. Well, we got starbucks and just walked around talking after. It was good, we are going to go out again.

I ate some cereal on Thursday, then Friday I ate whatever. Bleh. It was terrible. I hate non-fasting days. I really do. Then Saturday I fasted, after flipping out Friday night and popping a bunch of laxatives. Saturday was one of the worst days of my acting career. Yes, the worst. I really like working with ACT, I do, in fact I love it. But When I got there, and met the other girls, I felt like a cow. One of the girls is named Shantel, she is gorgeous and perfect. She looks like the brunette version of Gemma Ward, big blue eyes and all. She was in the modeling agency that I have an interview with, she is also a level higher then I am in the opposing dance theatre that I am in, and she was about two inches taller then I am and a zillion pounds lighter. As I smiled and talked to her and the other girls at lunch I could not help but think "I hate you I hate you and I envy you and I hate you" in my head. Uggh. Why can’t I be perfect?

The worst part about ACT was lunch. Shantel was snacking on oreos, fritos, and trail mix. I absolutely loathed her at that moment, seeing all the calories being put into her stick-figure body while I sipped on my water bottle. I could hardly believe it, someone could consume calories so greedily and still be that thin. Be perfect, beautiful, and eat loads of food. It’s not fair. Not fair at all. Life is not fair, and I hate the fact.

I hate myself right now. I feel like such a fat arse. I am not even worthy to be looked at by anyone right now. I just want to sit in my room all day, cleaning and organizing. Studying, running laps and doing my usual abb and thigh workouts. I hate this feeling. I am stuck between what is to be and what was. Does that make any sense? No, probably not. I don’t make sense to myself anymore.

Alice take me away from your deceiving wonderland. Falling deeper and deeper into this mess, I want to disappear. I am no longer chasing Mr. White Rabbit with the pocket watch. I am chasing perfection, chasing a happiness that I know will never come.

The photos and protected post will be coming next week, or the end of this one. I have not decided yet. But they will be coming soon. I promise. I won’t be back until probably Wednesday. Sorry for the short absences, I just don’t have time to update a lot. I will probably comment during the week, but wont give an update to my entries until Wednesday or Thursday. School, work, and the patheticness of my life are taking up my time right now.

EDIT

http://www.xanga.com/Blonde_barbii_x3 Stole my layout. Wow, this one is a smart one, she even used some of the photos and icons I posted. Leave her some comments until she takes it down.

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Wed, 14 Sep 2005 03:42:40 GMT

"I don't want to change your mind. I don't want to change the world. I just want to watch it go by. I gust want to watch you go by. We were young, darling. we don't have no control. We're out of control."

Ballet went better then I thought it would. Scanning the room my mind judged each classmate, all in black leotards and tights, not hiding any imperfections. Fat, thin, thinner, huge, needs work. I was the thinnest, or around the same size as one other girl. I felt more comfortable as the class moved on and I began to remember more and more of the french names, and steps.

I was going to restrict this week, but I don’t think I am now. Starve Starve Starve. I might restrict on Thursday and Friday. I will just have to be sneakier this week. Make more food and plan ahead for when I can throw it out. I don’t want my mum to cry again, that scared me. She completely flipped, and I don’t want to see that again. I know it is only because she loves me, and I don’t want to disappoint her... but I can’t just eat for her.

I am going to be talking to a nutritionist/nurse family friend, Meg. My mum wants me to talk to her about God, life choices, University.. and making sure I am on a healthy, Vegan food regimen. Mostly the food things, and God. She will probably ring Meg up after every meeting and want notes.. Ugh. My mum knows that I don’t like to talk about everything with her now, since I am getting older. But she wants me to meet regularly with someone to talk to. If this does not make her happy, then I don’t know what will... She will probably send me to a psychologist or doctor if I loose anymore, I must hide my weight. I want to shrink away.

I hate the feeling of eating. Even the thought of it. My stomach stretching with every calorie, feeling my thighs and butt advance in its intrusion on space with every bite. I feel sick when I eat, I hate myself when I eat. So I will starve, and burn calories until I am nothing but an emaciated mess. Shrinking away until I find my enough. Until I deserve nourishment.

I might be gone for a few days, but I will be back by Monday or sooner. I am going out with Elias (yeah..learned how to spell it correctly lol) on Friday, working Thursday. Saturday I am working with ACT, the theatre company, and I have a church thing in the morning. So along with school, this week should be busy. More things to get done means less time to be forced into calorie consumption.

I will be taking photos of myself soon for you all to see. But I think it will only be a protected post, so if you want to be one of they lucky few to see my fat arse–then just leave me a comment. I will have four days that it will be up. The first two, I will have a first list of ten. The second two, another. So twenty people can see them if they want.

P.S. New layout and new song. You like?

Monday, September 12, 2005

Mon, 12 Sep 2005 00:37:09 GMT

-edited-

"And I’ll hang like a star. fucking glow in the dark for all the starving eyes to see. Like the ones we've wished on. And now I’m confused. Is this death really you? And do these dreams have any meaning? No, no I think it's more like a ghost that's been following us both. something vague that we're not seeing. something more like a feeling."

I am 99lbs. I know, I can hardly believe it. How can someone who ate so much yesterday—and be so huge, weigh so little? I have no idea. But I am so glad I did not gain. I still feel bloated, like my stomach stretched. It hurts, but it might still be the laxatives that kicked in last night. Bleh.

I feel like Alice In Wonderland right now, tumbling down the rabbit whole. Except I am not searching for Mr. White Rabbit, I am searching for perfection. Walking through a word where nothing is as it seams, chaos seems to over whelm me. Every nibble of mushroom, or counter nibble--changing my size. Going day by day, having tea with mad people, getting poked at by a bunch of pansies, and of course trying to get the Queen to accept me. Life is so complicated. And I tend to mess everything up, even when I give myself the right advice.

Well, good news. I am going out with a really hot guy. I met him at my friends birthday party. Which was sort of awkward at first, because I did not know half the people there. But, it was really fun after awhile. And we got to talk for like two hours or something, then we talked on Sunday and he asked me out. His name is Eliot (not sure how to spell it.. I will ask Devin lol) and he is so sweet. I am tired of all the "bad boys" that I go out with. It is high time that I go out with someone who actually respects me. Well, anyway, he has the whole British punker type look. The shaggy hair (no, not the British shag–that word is not used around hair in the UK ; ) ) look going, kinda longish..brown.. and moves it out of his face every few minutes. He is tall, and normal thin. He had converse on, and a tee shirt and slightly baggy jeans. Really cute, and he is smart too. He is in AP chem, and taking geology at the Jr. College–he is home schooled like me too. But that is because he travels a lot with his family. So he is worldly lol. Well, anyway, we are going to see a movie or something. I hope we go see the Exorcism Of Emily Rose. Anyone see it?

How can someone who is sweet, good-looking, and smart actually like me? Aren’t the thin girls, the perfect girls with everything--supposed to get those kind of guys? And I am supposed to get the retards who treat me like just the next bird they shag? I mean, I am grateful for it, but I don’t know..blah. Maybe I think to much.

I am really nervous about ballet, it is going to be great, I know. I should not worry about things so much. My mum is right, as long as I go in with a smile and a good attitude they will love me. And they can’t expect me to be perfect because I have not danced in a company for a few years, even though that is what I crave most. I hate failure. I shouldn’t worry about what the other girls will think of me. That I am fat, ugly, and not to mention fat fat fat. Their eyes feasting on new flesh as the teacher directs us into position. I shouldn’t, but I will. I should worry about pleasing the instructor, giving my best performance so I can get into the right class. But I know my focus will me on the other girls. Why am I so insecure?

P.S. Will get to you all when i get back tonight, don't worry! And I will fix the tinker.

Friday, September 09, 2005

Fri, 09 Sep 2005 04:54:28 GMT

"Women Are Like Cigarettes. The best ones are long and thin"

I am 102! I think it is telling me the truth now.

The first day of school was brilliant. I love school this year. All my classes are pretty easy so far. I am even getting good marks in Geometry. Who said American school was harder? Pfft. Easier I would say. I have to take SAT’s the year, instead of GCSE’s. But SAT’s should be less difficult I think.

I have been thinking a lot about my last entry, how I am never going to be satisfied. Or when I will be satisfied. I talked to Megan about it, and asked her what weight I looked. She said I looked 100 lbs. My jeans that fit Valerie, the size 1's regular from gap, are getting baggy on me. Well, she was two pounds off. I am 102. And I still feel like a fat arse.

She knows that I still see myself as the 115, 120 pounds me when I look in the mirror. And it disgusts me. She said its all in my brain, and she is right. I am almost done with the Golden Cage, I am going to have to put the psychology books away for awhile. I need to focus on my English book list... but the psychology books say it’s a lot mental, and an extremely complicated disorder.

I am going to be in a Ballet class on Monday. I know! I thought it would not be until October, but they want to see me so they can place me in the right class for my age and skill. I am so scared, but happy too. I just hope they are all fatter then me, at least then I would be comfortable with my body. But I don’t have a regulation leotard so she said I could just wear track suit bottoms (sweat pants to you yanks ; ) ) and a tank top.

I have told everyone that I am going to go strictly Vegan. So I will get out of the pizza tomorrow and Saturday. Nothing but organic bliss. I think I really will go strictly Vegan after my fast is over and I get back to restriction though... Then I can buy and cook my own food again. I am cooking Alu Gobi next week when my dad is gone, its an Indian dish. A lot of Vegetables, but its spicy because of the curry. My mother is worried about getting enough of some sort of acid... or protein or something. But I don’t fancy red meat anyway.. So I don’t know what she is complaining about.

Anyway, this has been a kind of random entry.. I must be off. I will hit you all back when I have time tomorrow!

Monday, September 05, 2005

Mon, 05 Sep 2005 05:38:43 GMT

"Sick to death of my dependence, fighting food to fight transcendence. Fight to survive, more dead but more alive. Cigarettes and speed to live, and sleeping pills to feel forgiven. All that you contrive, and all that you're deprived."

Well, my scale says 104 still. But I don’t believe it. I will change my weight tinker at the top of my xanga when I am sure my scale is not playing mind games with me again. It seems to do that sometimes. Probably because it is tired of my fat arse stepping on it every second.

Everyone says how thin I am, but it is far from what I feel. Angie, my friend, told me: "if you were any thinner, you would be Anorexic!" oh only if she knew.. I don’t think I look thin at all. I hate my thighs, my hips, my arse, my stomach. Practically everything. Though I think my collar bones are sticking out a bit more, so at least I am happy about one thing.

After church I went home and did my usual two step to get out of eating lunch with my mum and sister, so I cleaned my room and organized. Later Megan came over and we watched the Ring 2. It was good, but we did not have anytime to talk about my ED like we usually do because my sister Rachel was around. She is the only one that really knows about it. I know people think that about me, and my mum definitely does. She thinks I am barking mad.. But anyway, she stayed for dinner, and we watched it while we ate. I dumped my pasta outside the toilet window, saying I was getting more sauce for it. Luckily for me, we had the lights off so no one noticed. I just held my empty plate fidgeting with the fork.

When will I know what is enough? When will I know that I am thin enough? When I am emaciated, sleeping in a hospital and a nurse has to help me use the loo because I might pass out? I know I have lost weight, it says so on the scale. My cloths tell me this as they fall off my hips, but when I look in the mirror my eyes tell me different. True I notice some things, my collar and hip bones are more visible. But I still see the ugly, fat, thunder-thighed me at 120. Gross, disgusting and huge. But I must have changed. I lost 15, 16 pounds in just a few months. Starting with a crash diet, that unraveled into this. I should feel different. I should look thinner in the mirror.

Do my eyes lie to me? Is this another side of this disorder, never being satisfied. Always seeing fat no matter what weight I am. Even at my goal weight, the perfection of 95lbs, will I still see myself as the average thick girl?

I got The Golden Cage, I will finish it soon. I am reading about five books at once. Yes, I know, I am weird and a book nerd. But oh well, I like to read. And being the perfectionist I am I will take notes–hiding them under my mattress in my diary of course. Maybe it will tell me something important. Give me some form of an answer that can help me understand myself more. I know eating disorders don’t just start from dieting. It starts in the beginning, I know when I first hated and was conscious of my body-- (about four, when I started ballet first. I could not skip, and I thought I was to fat to skip like the other girls did. Madam Gail thought I was "unique" for my age, not knowing how to skip) and the massive space my bottom took overwhelmed my thoughts at times. But I don’t know why. Maybe I think to much...

p.s.

Will hit you all back soon. Sorry, I am a bit busy, so I might not get to everyone until Thursday. And as I said in an earlier entry: No. that is not me in my profile photograph. I do look similar to her however, that is why I chose it. She is a bit lighter skinned then I am, but she is built like I am, and I have curlier hair.