Currently Playing Lift Your Skinny Fists Like Antennas To Heaven By Godspeed You Black Emperor see related

it is always the wrong time though.
you imagine the right one will come.
you devour a little hope.
sprinkle a little sugar.
wait.

keep waiting.

derailing is seen as bad.
your choice in coping skills is absurd.
your perspective is completey illogical.

re·al·i·ty n.
1. the quality or state of being actual or true.
2. one, such as a person, an entity, or an event, that is actual: “the weight of history and political realities” (benno c. schmidt, jr.).
3. the totality of all things possessing actuality, existence, or essence.
4. that which exists objectively and in fact: your observations do not seem to be about reality.

Currently Playing I'm Wide Awake, It's Morning By Bright Eyes first day of my life. see related

i'm going to be sixteen  in exactly a week. exciting. not really. i don't feel like talking to anyone. i don't feel like being around people who annoy the shit out of me. i just feel like sleeping, but i can't. i'm wide awake, it's morning. <3 bright eyes. smoking pot is getting rather old. i mean, i can't say no to it but i don't feel like doing it. i don't feel like trying to get money, i don't feel like waiting for it. but i do anyways. i can't really figure out why. i guess i've made it so that's the only thing i know how to do with people anymore, otherwise we just sit there. and stare. and no one likes that. everyone likes excitement and getting fucked up. i'd rather just sit in my room alone. and do nothing. i wish there wasn't snow everywhere and i wish it wasn't freezing, i wish i had somewhere to go. but i don't exsist anymore. i'm just an illusion, dream, whatever you wish to call it.

it doesn't bother me a bit.

i've always been a bad liar. i want to go to falmouth but i can't. because she's there. when i was there my anxiety was so high because i knew i was going to see her. so now i have no school to go to. bourne is instant suicide, falmouth is slow bleeding heartache.

i'm not going to pass this year. i'm going to be a freshman two years in a fucking row. and i'm not stopping myself from doing that. i haven't been to any form of schooling since.. januaray. i spelt that wrong. i don't know why i do this to myself. i wish i would just cut the fucking shit and get on with living because that's the only real choice i have.

i hate being so godamn emotional. one thing, just one tiny thing and i am in tears. blah. last night was fun. from what i can remember. colby and i went to clinton's little "let's get hammered" party-type-thing. there were no girls there, only us. it was okay. chris belanger was there, so was matty, and wade. they were all smashed, they fought like fucking hell. some kid knocked out chris, it was sad. and then matty and wade passed out. i was fine, just drunk. i puked a little, but i was fine. except i came home drunk and my mom could tell, which doesn't bother me much. but yeah, i think i'm getting sick. i feel like it. meh. ian's online.  ian is not talking to me, i won't talk to him. i am going to stop complaining.

i feel bad though, for getting drunk on my best friend's sweet sixteen. i wish she would have drank, but she didn't. which is okay. but i will still feel bad, despite what she says.

Currently Playing The Places You Have Come To Fear The Most By Dashboard Confessional the brilliant dance see related

i think my heart is going to jump out of my throat. i think kandyce and i are going to get back together, but i shall not get my hopes up. she's a senior in highschool  she'll go away to college, eventually. she'll move on, she'll grow up and i'll be left here heart broken.

that's the only things i'm afraid of.

i'm afraid that i'll run away again. and she won't know what to do. unless i tell her not to let me.

my god. i'm so fucking scared. but i can't let this go. i just can't. i love her. loveeeeeeeee. nauseating kind of love, where you just want to jump on the person and smother them with kisses. hold on to their hand and never let them go. and when they're not around you, you just think of the second you'll see them and you can't wait. i never thought i'd feel this way about anyone. and i never thought anyone would feel that way back.

i don't think she realizes how fragile i am. and how i won't get over her. i don't get over anyone, i just push them to the back of my mind.

i love her. madly.