I said I was going to delete this, I never did. Oh well. I've tried to keep my mouth shut about a lot of things but eh.. I've never been good at that. Here goes nothing.

Fuck all your parents. If they want to boycott the banquet, that's fine. They'd be singing a different motherfucking tune if it was your brass plate they had to go visit. Lets all band together like idiots so we can keep our position in the band boosters. That's bullshit. Your fucking parents are ignorant.

Fuck you, Seth Fidler, for not apologizing. You should. Fuck you for getting to go to UGA. You should be rotting in some fucking jail cell. I hope you fucking slip up. You're an inconsiderate little fuck. Congrats, it's been almost a year. You think it's done and over with? It's. Sure, your probation won't last too long and you'll get to drive again soon enough but you'll have to answer to someone on that again someday. While your friends may back you up, in their minds they still know. I have the balls to say what everyone is thinking. Fuck you for being only worried about how it's going to effect you. Selfish prick.

While I'm at it, fuck everyone for trying to make friends with me just because you hated us and didn't wise up before Stephen died. I still fucking hate you either way. Sure, I tried to play nice. But at the end of the day if you fell down I'd spit on you and walk away. A few personal fuck yous: Fuck you, Heather Coyle, for breaking Stephens heart and then bothering to show up at the hospital and funeral. Fuck you, Abbie Oakes, for even possibly thinking Stephen would have EVER chosen your skank ass over me. Fuck you, Northside cheerleaders, who fucking stood around making up stories when it happened. Fuck you, Northside cheerleading coaches, for making it manditory that they come to his funeral. Fuck you, all those people I called friends in band who had my fucking phone number and couldn't even bother to pick up the phone to call me the minute he got hurt. The list goes on and on. 

Fuck everyone for losing contact after the funeral. You'll kiss peoples asses when the tears are still fresh and the black suits/ dresses are still ironed.. but after that it's as if nothing happened.

And for the future, fuck everyone who deletes my subscription after they read this.  

I'll be expecting glares at the banquet, I 'm prepared. Go ahead. I dare any of you to fucking run your mouths. That boy was the most amazing creature on the face of this fucking planet. You should all be lucky that you had the chance to have him in your lives.

"I have trust issues. Always have, always will. I guess I don't have to explain why to you because I've already done so. Not that it transfers from guy to guy. But alittle bit is always there. I'm incapable of trusting someone till they give me a reason not to. It's more like.. give me a reason to trust you and I'll try.

My self-esteem is at an all time low, as of lately. I try to change myself too often, I think. I'm not prissy or whatever girls are today. I don't like wearing skirts or tiny clothes. I'm comfortable in a band shirt, blue jeans, a hoodie, and a pair of chucks. But lately I've found myself wearing all this outrageous shit I can't really stand. And doing things that I know better than to do. I've been told repeatedly that I'm becoming wreckless with my life. I feel like I'm a walking time bomb most days.

I keep getting kicked and knocked down but for some reason I keep getting back up. I haven't figured out why I bother sometimes. I can't even find time to think that all men are shit and I should just stay away completely because all they'll ever do is hurt you. I haven't really had the best of luck, as you've seen already. It gets worse though. My best friend in the whole wide world is marrying one of my exs. I've been cheated on, over and over again. Some say it's because I ask for too much. Because I like knowing that whomever I'm with at that point in time is going to pick up the phone if I call. Silly shit like that. I won't put a tracker on you and chase you down. I just like to not be left in the dark about things. People in relationships are supposed to share their lives together. Not lead seperate ones behind closed doors. I keep All my friends are getting married and I'm scared of getting left behind. I feel like everyone is doing something with their lives and I'm not. Which probably explains why I almost got married after knowing someone for 4 months and why I settled instead of trying to find "the one" again. I thought I was doing myself a favor turns out I just caused myself more pain and heartache then I really needed.

I don't know what I'm banking on. I've lost hope in a lot of things. I try not to be hopeful about anything anymore, less I'm disappointed or the other person is. I just keep my head up, keep moving, and see how it turns out.

October is a long ways away but there is a serious lack of men here. :) "

My e-mail to someone. That's my post for now. For all of you who are in the dark about the whole ex thing. Yeah. He's been lying, like usual. I showed up one weekend that we were supposed to spend together in Columbus. Everyone remember that trip? We argued the night or two before so he wasn't answering his phone. I figured it was nothing so I showed up anyway. Showed up banging on his door after hearing a girl inside. Gave the ring back and left. Got half way to the elevator, turned around, and went back to banging on the door. He didn't answer. I went downstairs and tried to fuck his car up but mom grabbed me and threw me in the car. 45 minutes later while waiting outside in the car for my parents, I see him drive past in his ugly ass yellow car with some blonde girl sitting next to him. I wasn't really sure at the time what I had seen. I'd been crying and blah. You know? I went home 3 days later and he IMed me talking about how I was stupid and how I better trust the next guy because that's why we aren't together anymore. We tried to do the friends thing or whatever. Spent most of the nights talking to each other on the computer. Him saying he missed me, still loved me, etc. I went looking for his myspace yesterday. I fucking knew in the back of my head I was going to find something I didn't really need to see. That friend from IL that was supposed to be a guy. Definently not a guy. She's blonde too. GO FIGURE! She's got his name tattooed on the fucking side of her neck. I guess him being sad and lonely, missing me, was completely bullshit. His goal for the year is to marry her. She's the girl who the txt messages were from that I was reading the last time he was here. But she was apparently just a friend with a friend in the hospital. BULLLLLLLLLLLLSHIT. Maaaaaaaaaan, I'm fucking stupid. I knew I wasn't ignorant. I can't believe I let myself feel like shit and all this crap, thinking *I* had done something wrong. I should have listened to myself in the beginning.

I feel like it all just happened over again. No tears this time though. No real surprises. He really is just like all the girls from the e-mails described. No big deal, I guess. You live, you learn. Just glad I dumped him ass. Glad I didn't marry him. He was too short, too skinny, fucking big ass nose, fucked up teeth, etc. She looks like a nasty ass crack whore too, it fits. That's what he should be marrying. I'm too good for that shit. I think there's only two things I regret though. I regret letting him come visit me because now there are memories here and that everytime look down, seeing my tattoos, I'm going to have to think about him. Rofl.

'Sup? Not really much to update about. My ex really turned out to be the sack of shit I always knew he'd live up to be. Go you. You win the prize behind door #1.  While I lied about the things going on with guys after I dumped his sorry ass, I never lied while we were together.

Finally got a Saturday off. I went shopping and such. New earrings. 1/2 inch, kthx. I'm not going any bigger. I should have wrote my paper for APSU 1000. But I'm a slacker. Work tomorrow morning.

I miss Stevie.