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i made it for joshua.
i love those cute noises.
that incredibly innocent face.
playing around with that gorgeous hair.
kissing as though it will forever be our last.
aggravating in a joking sort of way.
cuddling up at night.
that butterfly feeling in the pit of your stomach, every day.
waking up to an almost perfect, yet sleepy smile, and knowing it will last a long time.
i feel so incredibly idiotic.
i don't really know why.
well.
joseph's at work.
and his post made me sad.
he just won't tell me things sometimes.
i mean, yeah, i don't tell him things, but i would give him everything i could,
just to ensure his happiness.
i know he'd do the same for me.
it's just, sometimes, it doesn't seem like it.
he wants old habits back.
but.
if he really cares, he'll stay away from them.
i can't make him stop.
but i can always hope.
drinking.
pffft.
i don't care if he does that or not.
doing some of the other things he used to do, does bother me though.
because he forgets who he is, who i am, who his friends are.
and is just.
not nice.
and it breaks my heart when he says such harsh things, even when i know he doesn't mean them.
i know that he cares, and wouldn't do all that again to hurt me.
but there's still that thought, that he wishes he could.
i feel like i'm constricting him.
keeping him from old friends.
keeping him from leaving the house.
doing things without me there.
being a person, instead of having this sick puppy follow him.
how am i supposed to make something better.
when i don't know what's wrong?
god. i never thought i'd even stop and think about something so stupid.
why did i limit myself to this.
why am i so attached.
why do i secretly wish he never finds another place to live in,
or even make enough money to provide for himself.
i'm so selfish.
but.i.can't.help.it.sometimes
i wonder if this is just another little part of what will happen in the long-run.
or maybe there is really no long-run.
and things will just stop.
but it can't.
i don't want it too.
i really hate myself sometimes.
i'm really sorry.
*i can't say goodbye to him though.
i hate it.
goodnight.
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