i'm done with this xanga.

Have you ever wanted to ask a question
But you didn't because you knew in your heart
That you wouldn't be able to handle the answer?

Just say what you mean and mean what you say. Don't expect someone to read your mind,and don't play games with heads or hearts. Don't tell half truths and expect trust when the full truth comes out. Half truths are no better then lies. Don't be cold to someone you care about - indifference hurts more then angry words.

so, this week has been pretty shitty.

well, part of it anyways. it started out okay-
i got to go back to my moms for the first part of the week. i was so happy to be home, you have no idea. i'm a very homesick person. i dont even like staying at my dads house for a weekend, thats how bad i am. i have no problem staying at friends houses, but just some places, get old. anyways, i went to ashleys a little bit monday. forgot my shoes, eeek. :| we just chilled for a  little bit. went back to my house later, then went to wally world. thats a fun place to take a friend, especially like ashley, gay as that sounds. anyways, we went back to my house. i seem to be fighting with people a lot more lately. lost a pretty good
friend. or, what i thought was a good friend. && it was for the stupidist reason in the world. i'm not  putting effort into a friendship when all that happens  is i get stabbed in the back. over the stupidest things. seriously, i would have never expected you would do this to me. && i'm sick of being so forgiving to everyone. its like on replay; i'm nice to everyone, they take advantage of me, treat me like shit, i forgive them right off the bat like an idiot, && then the same thing happens over && over with the same person. && i'm not saying you've done this
before, cause i only remember us fighting once before this, but who says you wont do it again? you say you wont, but you have to realize how insecure that would make me around you. yeah,
sometimes i do stupid things that may annoy you, but you know, thats me. i'm not perfect. && i'm sorry i wasn't a good enough friend for you not to say things about me that i didn't deserve.

so then not too long after this, i'm sitting on my computer, doing myspace, chatting on aim, && what shows up? bullshit ims from michael m, to ashley, that she does not deserve at all.

for those of you that only heard his side of  the story - i am seriously sorry.

if theres one thing i hate in this world, its fakes. liars, cheaters, shit talkers. && yes, we all describe this at one point in our lives. but michael? he's over the top. i really dont care if you're friends with him or not, but i have never liked him. so he starts iming us monday night. i'm on the computer. first he starts off with his, "bitch. fatty. talk to me bitch." bullshit. we didn't respond to any of the ims. but you know what, he just dosn't
give up. i seriously don't know why he's so fucking obsessed with ashley, or what his problem is. we, ashley && i, && her mom, have told him on several occasions to just leave her alone. does he ever listen? no! so he keeps on at it. finally, i'm pissed, && sick of his ims popping up on my screen. so i said, "this is jenni. stop iming ashley, && leave her alone. she dosn't wanna talk to you." && whats he do? he starts insulting me. for absolutely no fucking reason! saying things like, "haha jenni's a fat ass, shes manly" all that stupid, immature bullshit. he says, "jenni you're such a dumb bitch, why dont you go get dyslexia like ashley && be stupid? why don't you go die?" okay, i know a few other people that have dyslexia besides ashley, && from what i heard when they saw this, they were not very happy at all. you do realize, its not her fault she has it? is it anybodys fault that they get things like this? no. i bet if you had it && someone was calling you dumb, you wouldn't be very happy about it either.

anyways, the whole "go get dyslexia && be stupid && die" thing was really what threw me over the edge. i've tried forever && ever to hold my anger in with that boy, && at that point, i gave up. && i let him have it. everyone who knows me knows how i get when i'm pissed, && sometimes i say things that i dont necessarily mean. yes, ashley && i told michael to go die like his brother. i wont deny it. you have to understand, i didn't mean it in any disrespect to alex's memory. he didn't deserve to die, && i take what happened to him very seriously. && i know it was hard for michael && his family, it still is. but how is it any different from him telling me or ashley to go die? its not. all i did was make a refrence to his brother. same as i told him, i could have told him to go die like my grandma or my aunt, wouldn't have been any different of a meaning. of course, he lost it. so he starts threatening ashley && i. these were things he sent me, taken directly from messages from him && josh miller, not edited at all -

"i swear to god jenni if i ever see you....well you better hope that i never see you...b/c you wont like what will happen... "

then they seem to just keep coming,

"hell yea it was threat bitch ill leave ytour ass with 2 black eyes and a cupple of bruses fuckn bitch...and you can get ppl to fight me idc i got a hole family to back me up...if i show them what you said about my fucking brother my hole family will be after you ass so im not scared about a cupple of ppl...so dont try to threaten me cuzz i aint scared...you know how many ppl have sent me messages back saying damn man thats fucked up their fucking bitches...so many ppl got my back so you just need to stfu b4 you get your ass kicked "

ok seriously, what kind of family of yours would waste their time beating up a 15 year old girl? none of them. && i bet your ass if they saw the shit you said to me that they wouldn't be so willing to "back you up." you ain't got nothing but family. i've got about 4 or 5 friends that have already said that either you or josh lay a hand on me or ashley, you've got it coming from them. so don't even try. if you would have just left ashley alone in the first place, like we told you to, none of this would have even happened. you brought it on yourself.

i'm done with that kind of bullshit. if i ever see michael or josh again, so be it. but i'm not dealing with that kind of shit, with people who dont even go to my school, nor do i hang out with or talk to on a daily basis.

the rest of the week was, okay. i went to ashleys tuesday night, took a nap until 10, but i woke up && felt like shit so i went home. wednesday i just chilled at home. today, i got ready, packed my stuff, went to ashleys for a little bit, saw my favorite<3, then came to my dads. && now i'm here. i'm hoping i can hang out with a couple of people saturday or something, but i dont know yet. i'm leaving early in the week to go to my grandpa's again. then next friday i'm leaving again, this time with ashley, to oklahoma for the weekend. cant wait to get out of rowlett. anyways, i'm done for tonight.

you said my heart sounded like a payphone in the rain
distorted, distant, scrambled, and desperate.

Maybe we're not supposed to be happy.
Maybe graditude as nothing to do with joy.  Maybe being grateful means reconizing what you have for what it is.  Appericating small victories.  Admiring the stuggle it takes simply to be human.  Maybe we're thankful for the fimiliar things we know. & maybe we're thankful for the things we will never know. At the end of the day, the fact that we will have the courage to still be standing is enough reason to celebrate.

I felt like crap. It was one of those days where I wanted to stay in bed all evening, safely away from the world. But you insisted. You had to come see me, and you wouldn't take no for an answer. And all at once when you arrived, I didn't feel so bad anymore.

So set up your camera and wait for the light
Fine tune the settings and hold me tight
Wind up the film and focus the lens
Give me a kiss & pretend we're just friends.

i just got back from my trip to my grandpas.
quite tiring, if i do say so myself.
so i thought this trip would be like any other
to my grandpas; long && boring, with a whole
lotta cigar smoke involved.
i was wrong.

last night my stepgrandmas kids && their kids
we're there too, so i mostly stayed back in my room
until we ate. then me && cameron, one of jan's
granddaughters, went on a "joy ride" around
the ranch. we talked about all sorts of shit, &&
somehow we ended up on the topic of monsters,
so we decided to go bum some money off our
parents && drive up to the gas station && get one.
well we got up there fine, got our monsters + gas
for the 4wheeler, && we started going back.

when it gets dark in the middle of nowhere,
it gets dark.

so we get lost coming back because we cant
see the road that we turn on to get to the ranch.
we ended up going past it, turning around, &&
then almost passing it again. we were gone for
about an hour. haha. it was fun though.

my brown hair is starting to grow on me,
even though i still wish my bangs were longer.

i find it funny also, that when i post an entry
talking about a person [[whos name will not
be mentioned, we've cleared things up so its
all good]] more people come to my site then
when i just post an entry talking about my day.

weird. :|

anyways, todays fathers day, so i'm gonna try
&& bum some more moolah off my dad
[[haha, just kidding]]. later kiddos.

Crisp leaves, coffee shops, and long, plaid scarves
Autumn winds, photographs, and starry nights
Our hands laced together & you squeezing me tight
I can't remember a Fall ever feeling so right.

At this moment,
there are 6,470,818,671 people in the world.
Some are running scared.
Some are coming home.
Some tell lies to make it through the day.
Others are just now facing the truth.
Some are evil men, that war with good.
And some are good, struggling with evil.
6 billion people in the world. 6 billion souls.
And sometimes, all you need is one.

so see, i have this friend.
&& its kinda hard to say this,
but she's kinda a backstabber.
she talks shit about me behind me back.
saying things like, i post too many
bulletins on myspace; my old display
name got on her nerves; the songs i
play on my phone got on her nerves; etc.
you know, i've never been anything
but nice to this person. && it upsets me
to hear her say all this shit about me,
because i figured we were pretty good
friends. i guess treating people how
you want to be treated didn't work out
in my case. && i'm learning not to
trust everyone i meet.

"The only people you need
in your life are the people
that need you in theirs."

Laugh until your body aches, cry until you start to shake.
Live like the world is yours to take, love as though your heart won't break.

so these past few days have been fun.
sunday i went to the show with madison && ashley.
i met madison's friend ben, hes pretty cool.
i also saw cory, amanda, haley, && jack. they make me smile. :]
it was pretty fun, until the singer of enjoy the fall jumped off the stage
&& kicked me in the head.
yeah i hope he enjoyed his fall, cause i sure the hell didn't. :|
anyways, i've just been chillin at my house until yesterday.

Yesterday was Ashley && mine's "one year anniversary."
june 13th 2005 was the day ashley && i hung out for the
first time since 6th grade, && i guess you can say we kinda stuck. lol.

Yesterday was also JUSTIN LEE HALL'S 16TH BIRTHDAY.
I love him, && i also love picking on him! :]
i hope he sees this too, cause he hasn't called me in two days, FAG! :D

haha. yeah so yesterday we went to kyles, but justin wasn't
there because he had to work. gayy. yeah kyles a freak still,
haha jk. he's a weirdo. && i saw josh miller, he's still annoying
as hell. ahaha. jk :]

well yeah today i just hung out here, && tomorrow hopefully
i'll be doing something. i go to my dads on friday for two weeks.

if i murder myself while i'm there, nobody be suprised, mkay?

my dads a freak. lol.

i get my hair done saturday, i think.
i'm dying it brown. cool!

yeah well this is it for tonight, loves.

tonight, just sitting across from you, saying nothing; you looking at me and me looking at you, for the first time in a while, i could tell you knew that i was thinking about you- and i knew you didnt mind.