I'm not much different than a Pharisee

I was reading today in the Word from the book of John (cuz that's what I've been studying) and I was reading the section in chapter 6 where Jesus says to the Jews gathered there that no one comes to Him to believe unless the Father draws them and I was thinking about the way I typically think things to death and how much I sometimes doubt basic Christian things like... the Deity of Christ... which was ultimately the same thing that these people gathered here were struggling with.  So, I was starting to become discouraged.. like what in the world.. maybe I'm not even a Chrisitan (cuz yes, I really do worry about that) and then I got to the verse where it says no one can come unless the Father draws them.. and that's when I realized that the reason that I am different than the Pharisees (or whoever was the people talking the passage) is because I have been given the grace of God. 

So today I sat and thought all afternoon about where I've been and where I am now and how in the world I ever got there... take me back 5 or even 7 years or more and you woudln't think that I would grow up to move out to some random part of PA without as much as the security of a job to do a dying ministry at a Church believing that all of this struggle was somehow worth it to find a few unknown people get saved.  And to think... I love that and I am more than willing to struggle and fail for it.  I love it.  I would give anything in the world to serve my Lord here and why?  By His Grace

By His Grace Alone..

So here I sit at a Panera in Dickson City, Pennsylvania... and I'm wondering... is this what single people do when they don't have jobs?  I'm seriously at going out of my mind with boredom.  Think of it... no tv, no internet at home... and no job.  I need to do smoething!  lol anywho...

No profound thoughts at this time because my brain is tired from all the adventure of the last few days.  But thsi is my life now.  I look forward to the services at church and when God starts up the activity of the year.  I'm not sure what to expect yet but I suppose I should just enjoy the relaxation.  I think things will start picking up here in the next few weeks.  I pray for friends from the college and not from the college that I might have people to talk to while I'm going crazy from all the inactivity.  :) God has provided thus far, there's no reason to expect any less in the next few weeks :). 

Prayers are much coveted. 

Nothing is ever as it seems...

So I just ended a phenomenal summer...  doing something that as with other things in my life turned out way different than anything I had imagined even after the last post I wrote. 

It's hard to really put into words what I learned but I think I can sum it all up in one phrase, "Nothing is ever as it seems."  I can think back to the very first wednesday night of staff training and as I laid in the trailer staring up at he skies praising God almost all night for the people that surrounded me.  Nothing is as wonderful as it seemed that night.  In fact nothing that I believed had begun that night went in the direction that I had thought it was going to go.  None of the people I saw myself becoming close to went farther than mid-summer.  In fact even a few people whom I thought would never be friends with me.. are the few that I miss more than anything at this very moment.. the bests of the summer.  God really is strange like that.  And i can't even tell you how it feels to walk away from a summer where God did such extraordinary things.. 144 salvations... God is so AWESOME!! 

And now onto the present.  I'm right now sitting at Panera and reflecting on the day I just had.  I went to see some old friends in a town that has proved to consistantly hold people who would impact my life in a way that I'm not even sure I would have asked for... and yes, that's a good thing.  But as I sat in the parking lot and talked to a very good friend of mine about other previously good friends of mine I can't help but wonder and pray at how some people ended up the way they did.   People who were once pillars to me... a church that was once a stronghold to me to prove that youth ministry could be done well and God was still strong and in control (and I have no doubt that those things are still true).  Those people are no longer standing strong... it seems that they have drug each other down to the depths together... I suppose they say that misery breedlifes company... but I say no, I will not lose hope.  I think of the song I have decided to follow Jesus.  I think of the verse "Though none go with me, still I will follow".  Yet some do still follow.. some do still passionatly love God and encourage me to do the same... yet even if they didn't.  I would still follow.  Yet, I can't help but seriously wonder what happened to my pillars.... and I wonder if there is somethign I can do to help.  I know i can pray... and I know that while I'm leaving, that church and those people will always go with me... and when our paths meet again, I hope to see that spark of life again... because my God is just that big. 

And soon I will be embarking on a trip to Clarks Summit, Pennsylvania where I will live the next year or so of my life.  If anyone still reads this I would covet your prayers because this is a bold step to follow God's work to a field that so desperately needs it.  There is a job for me there.  I just need God to fill in all the details. :).

It may not be on the mountain’s height, or over the stormy sea;
It may not be at the battle’s front my Lord will have need of me;
But if by a still, small voice He calls to paths I do not know,
I’ll answer, dear Lord, with my hand in Yours,
I’ll go where You want me to go.

I’ll go where You want me to go, dear Lord,
O’er mountain, or plain, or sea;
I’ll say what You want me to say, dear Lord,
I’ll be what You want me to be.

Week 1

I wish I had more time to write in here but it seems like I need to do a lot of things in a very short time so... I'll try to summarize the week in a few short paragraphs. 

Coming off of staff training I was already completely and totally exhausted with all of the things that had happened and I felt like I was totally inadequate compared with the rest of the staff.  Throughout the week I failed at almost everything I tried and for a couple of days I didn't even want to talk to anyone because I felt like I was so undeserving of being there.  I also hadn't had consistant quiet time because of the weakness of my physical body.. I was tired, often sore and just completely lost in the shuffle.  After the first week I was soaring high and loved everything that we had done together and everyone and I was very optimistic about what we would be doing.  Then that monday morning, we had work projects and the first one I ended up on I crashed and burned at.  Then I got put on a project that really hit the pride right in the stomach and made me feel lower than low.  At that point I started to decline.  I started to focus on myself and forgot that the unity we had as a staff was not in how well we performed at mowing lawns or lifting heavy objects.  The unity we had as a staff was in Christ and the fact that we were and are seeking to pull people from the fires of hell and a life without knowing God.  A fellow worker reminded me (this worker has also been a consistant thorn in my flesh by said person's tone of voice to me) that I needed to find the joy of God in everything and forget about how I felt.  It was hard to hear it from this fellow grace bearer but it was the voice of God undoubtedly.  I have struggled against myself since those days however and my quiet time is still not very consistant. 

So... monday and tuesday were rough.  I was co-counseling... and that was an attitude struggle in itself:  struggle not to question the meaning or the motives of those who arranged it... struggle to love my co counselor at moments when I felt trampled on and even in recovering from those moments and lavishing trust continuously was difficult.  Being perceptive and overly sensitive is not as.. fun?.. as it may seem. 

Then it happened... despite myself and my low emotion and spirit God used me to lead one camper to Christ.  Of all places we were sitting on the sideline of a game of Kamakazie Battleship... the most distracting and unorthodox place to have a spiritual conversation.. (of course, i don't mind so much... i rather like unorthodox practices based on orthodox theology :)). 

Something snapped in me... I realized why I was doing what I was doing.  And then it happened again.  A camper came up to me after a service and told me that she wanted to get saved.  Right there in the woods... she accepted Christ.  A little more typical... but a lot of amazing God in it nevertheless. 

And I still feel pretty out of sorts and out of place with this staff... but God is still using me.  I'm praying for some good friends and some spiritual feeling along the way....

This week... junior high w00t!

Skyview Ranch

This will be my first update of the summer from a place I have already come to love... Skyview Ranch

I have bee n here about 4 days and I feel like I have 25 new friends that are real friends.. not superficial friends but real friends.. it's amazing

Wednesday night at dinner we got a letter that in story form told us about an adventure we were about to have.  Little did I know just how much I would be learning on that journey... We began by meeting together and having our executive director jump out of the woods in costume... after some getting serious time we were led to a tarp in the middle of the woods where we thought we would be spending the night, after we began getting comfortably cold (it was in the 30s that that night no joke) we were awakened again by the costumed director and his crew of program directors.  We were then led blindfolded across the camp via woods to some trucks and still blindfolded we were led to a place where we totally had no idea where we were and that was where we spent the night. 

It was cold... I was hungry... we couldn't get off the trailer to even 'ahem' relieve ourselves... and not all of us fit on there.  The night changed me... there were definitly times when I wanted to run and hide... wondering if i was tough enough to take this camp thing.  Then there were moments when one of my teammates would do something that could only be done by the Holy Spirit of God himself... a guy i barely knew before that leant me his pillow for the night... the guys had fun conversations and made t me laugh... a new friend and i laughed and kept each other warm all night... it was extraordinary.  It was even fun!  Who would have thought... deep respect for someone that i didn't even now a week ago!  A deep respect that took me a year to develop for other friends.  I know it's the design of the camp... but it boggles my mind.  I love it. Praise God that he can do what you would have never dreamed of! 

Last night we did a high ropes initiative called the giant swing.  It's really high and you're only on a harness.   It's crazy... it was terrifying.  I went all the way to the top.  I cried... my teammates cheered for me.  It wasn't the kind of cheer that isn't pity... but REAL.  They were proud of me and that meant soemthing.  My weaknesses showed and THAT WAS OK!!  For the first in a long time I feel like I can totally be myself around this group of people.  I have had several opportunities that have actually encouraged other people!  I don't even know how that is possible!!

Today one of our teamates got seriously injured.  We prayed for an hour.  He's ok now.  Praise God.  I kept thinking about how we might have to go on without him.  I didn't want to!  It seemed unfair... but then when we were all sitting around holding hands, the guy next to me prayed about God's glory and it was SOOO comforting!!  Just to think... God was going to use this for good!!  It devastated us... but it was good.. and i could take comfort in that!  BEAUTIFUL!!!  God uses all things for the good of those he has called.. our good his good.. it's the same thing!  I couldn't even understand how.. but it rocks. 

anyways I need to get to bed cuz it's late and we have a long day ahead of me tomorrow...

I would appreciated continued prayers for the days and weeks to come! 

To God be the glory!