I have lost everything I love and everything that means anything to me! What is the point of life? So that we can just suffer and  hurt and then die? What is the point in that? I hate life! Nothing makes any sense! Everyone you meet in life is just like everyone else you meet! They all conform! Emerson says that is wrong! Emerson, I love you!!!

I feel so broken up and I give up, I just wanna telly ou so you know, Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you, You are my only one, I let go, there's just no one that gets me like you do, You are my only my only one, Made my mistakes let you down and I can't hold on for too long, Ran my whole life in the ground and I can't get up when you're gone!

Well, I have been talking to Caleb and it really sucks! He has a new girlfriend and they have a pretty serious relationship! I know that I hate it so much and I don't want them to be together, but what am I supposed to do about it? I don't even like talking to him really! I mean I love talking to him, but I feel bad about it! I fell in love with him! We had a fight this summer because I asked him if he was in love with me and he said he was, but I told him I wasn't in love with him and he got really upset! The only thing is that I was/am in love with him! I just hid my feelings from him cuz I was scared of getting hurt! He was going back to Kentucky and I was going back to school and he always talked about how it wasn't going to work so why tell him my feelings when it would be over in a month? I never doubted that we would last cuz we had an amazing relationship and we were so happy together, but before we both knew it, I was gone! The only bad part about it is that he has a new girlfriend! He moved on pretty fast and he tells her he loves her already! That hurts so bad! I don't know what I am supposed to think of that! It makes me wonder whether he really meant it with me! Those are sacred words! Was it just a summer fling to him or did I really mean something? I will never forget him no matter what! No matter if we stop talking right now and we never talk again! I will always love him! He was amazing to me! He treated me like a princess! He would do anything for me and I have never had anyone treat me like that before! We were meant to meet this summer, but now I feel awful and I feel like I shouldn't talk to him because he is taken! What to do, what to do? I mean if he is talkin to me while he is dating her, then how do I know that he wouldn't do the same things with me? I mean he isn't really breaking any rules by talking to me! He hasn't told me anything bad that is like cheating on her, so I guess it's cool! I know he would never cheat on a girl cuz he just isn't like that! Words can't express my feelings for him! Words can't express the pain I am feeling in my heart! I feel like crying for days and days! Maybe I will just go to sleep tonight! I miss him!

Well, I am at home today and I finally got to talk to Caleb! It was so good to talk to him! He is so amazing! I don't know what it is, but there is something about us that we just have so much fun together! We click I guess! I can be the biggest dork, but he will just look at me and stick his tongue out! He is in a great relationship and I hate that I can't be happy for him, but how can I? I guess I'm happy that he is happy, but I'm not happy that he is with someone else! I mean I fell in love with this guy and he told me he loved me back! What I fear is that he didn't! I know that sometimes I was a jerk to him and may not have always showed my feelings for him, but that's me! I am so stupid when it comes to sharing myself with other people! I screw things up! That's me! I'm such a loser! I lost someting great and I can't get it back! Have you ever felt helpless? I mean have you ever felt like there was something you wanted, but there was no way in the world that you could get it! This is one fight I can't fight! I can't try to win back something or try to take it from someone else when I was the one who lost it in the first place! I was an idiot for losing it! It was my prized possession, my lucky charm and I said good bye without even thinking! I don't think I knew what I was doing or what I had it! It's like that saying, "You never know what you had until you've lost it!" That is honestly perfect to my life! Well, I am going to go back to my life at school tom and nothing will go back to normal! I will think about this non stop and kill myself over it! What to do, what to do? I need some advice! I feel like my heart is breaking into a million pieces! Why is this so hard? Why can't it be easy? I just want him to be happy, whether I am or not! All I wish is for the guy that I fell in love with to find someone who treats him amazing and gives him things that I never could!