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| I was right when I said he'd turn out to be a rat, I was right in knowing one day i'd look back & regret falling for him. But of course I never listen to myself, and the things in my heart. It went amazing for three months, and slowly fell apart. I didn't know what to do anymore, but finally we ended it & he's gone forever.
But in the midst of all this I forgot to turn off my heart... and i seem to have fallen into something a while ago that I didn't even know about. In july I met a boy in the place of my heart and I think he may have stolen mine while I was there... because here I am, two weeks over a boy who i spent four months with, and all that can cross my mind is the boy in the country house with the blue-ist eyes i've ever looked into, and have ever made me feel like every bit of me was going to collapse beneath this world. I don't know what to do, or how to feel. But for some reason my heart wants to me to jump in with both feet and something is screaming that he's everything I've ever wanted. I've made a decision, usually relationships break me, but this time I feel more alive then ever. I feel more ready to fall in love then I ever have again, I'm going in. I'm giving him everything, no hesitations, I wont be lost anymore. I swear to god I'll be his everything, and he can be the other side of my heart I've been looking for so long. Who cares if in a couple months, weeks, days, i look back on this and laugh at how dumb i am. Call me a fool, I'm a fool & I'm rushing in. Give me all of it, I am so ready you don't even know.
His eyes & soul haunt my dreams, and i never want it to leave me on this desert island.
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| so here i am once again, stuck feeling to much, and wanting to get the fuck out because i just cannot seem to do this right. Nothing feels okay when its like this, and im just so much better at being alone. I'm better ... god i cant write. | | |
| It seems as though I've been so alone for so long that i am incapable of being with someone now. I find myself fallin, and everything seems good, until I am alone, and get to thinking of how i just cannot do this, i cant be involved.. i'm so good at being alone, at being at home with just me, that I can't comprehend being with some else also.. like i have to give up some of who i am to belong to someone else, i dont want to belong to anyone... anyone but myself and i'm sure they're all just rats.
He'll turn out like all the rest, who knows maybe he already is.
It's like i'm just so incapable of dealing with it on a mature basis, and i start to feel so unassured and suddenly I'm not okay, and I have to protect myself before i get hurt. I have to put up my walls ive created for so long, and i'd rather take the chance of hurting the person im with then take a chance and get hurt myself. It's like usually I am not afraid to take chances, but when it comes to love, I've just be slaughtered.. I dont have enough courage to get over my fear and give anything a chance. Everything seems to fall apart so fast, and I know its because i just wont let it work.. ' but you gotta let something work, its a shame to be so unsure. ' fuck.. he who hesitates is lost... | | |
| and its like im withdrawl losing my best friend has created much deeper problems. Someone losing her, made me need R.W. first and completely feel the brunt of that mistake once again, and now I feel the loss of Ryne. It's the weirdest thing. I havent wanted Ryne since the last break up, but someone losing Sam makes me need Ryne, or R.W. or.. anyone that at one point i felt safe with.. It's like i constantly wanna cry, and I need to figure out how to stop feeling. thats the new goal, once i can learn to feel nothing, life will be bliss. | | |
| isn't life so repetative. | | |
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