oholybageezus's Xanga

untitled

Thu, 13 Nov 2008 19:31:45 GMT

a life backwards.

i'm writing a book anonymously.

Monday, May 05, 2008

Mon, 05 May 2008 11:26:42 GMT

My dreams seems so real I can't seem to get any rest. I think I do more things while I'm asleep rather than awake these days. Ever since I expanded my consciousness if you will. It has been different, enjoyable even, at times, but then not: because when I wake up I get confused, lost, maybe saddened because it hasn't really just happened. It was all a dream.

And the government owns my body and some of my mind now. Not that they don't own everyone it seems, mine is just sanctified.
I leave in 8 days, in counting, that's all fingers no thumbs. That number is ludicrous and I'm ridiculous.

"life's an exaggeration. " - me

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Tue, 22 Jan 2008 02:03:28 GMT

so if everything happens for a reason

what was/is the reason for me?

Sunday, November 11, 2007

Sun, 11 Nov 2007 18:26:06 GMT

yes, it's true, I don't write anymore, and I don't talk that much either.
it's not that I don't have anything to say, it's just no one listens. really listens.
but then how could they if my end is silent?
i don't know what to think anymore.
i miss myself and words.

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Tue, 11 Sep 2007 16:23:05 GMT

what everhappened to reinventing yourself nightly
the right way.
what ever happened to

gimme a break

break me off a piece of

that bull shit lie.

xxxx r a m b l e

Tue, 05 Jun 2007 14:27:21 GMT

what the hell happened. one day i had ambitions, now when i look around, where i'm at, i just don't get it. it was like i had everything going for me and i stopped it all. to go back to "i don't know." makes me think there's something wrong with me. of course i think that everyday, nothing too obscene of course:: i just feel lost in myself. i'm not sure if anyone knows what i feel like especially since i cannot describe it. ( it... ) what is it?? who knows. i've sort of slumped into a serious funk. and who wouldn't want to blame that on certain dependencies of sorts that i have. tempting, true. to stop blaming would be a start. i think most things aren't my fault, but that must be denial. since most of the time we do things to ourselves, but never recognize. i don't intentionally try to write and make it sound depressing, it only comes out in that narcissistic cynical way of hatred.. well, i wouldn't go that far but it's understood. i hide from myself; in turn being hidden from the world. even if we shouldn't love the world it wouldn't hurt to be a part of it. i'm finally starting college this year, if anyone hasn't heard, but already i'm having doubts. because once again, the end is too far from my sight. i'm just not seeing the point in it. mostly because i'm afraid there's nothing out there for me. i hate people, but i love people. there's just such a vast spectrum for how a human can be. i am a people person, yet i have shyed myself into this... place. not too sure what i'm talking about. but fear has taken over me. well i shouldn't be too scared of hurting anyone, i feel like i've already done that to everyone in some sort of asshole way. because i don't think before i speak, think before i do things.. are these consequences or fate. the latter. and again no one is perfect. people can change. it's all in your head. where is my mind. i must not be honest with myself or something. because i don't know what the hell happened.

ha ha

Thu, 22 Feb 2007 18:59:04 GMT

g u e s s w h a t..

I was employee of the month for January, wee.
see what happens when you don't do crack.
ha ha that place is too ghetto.

you know it

Tue, 20 Feb 2007 12:54:26 GMT

You know, really, all I want is some answers.. and I don't care where from. I don't even know the questions, but I'm ready to figure them out. I want friends nearby that will stick by and won't use me for something or anything green. They are hard to come by and these days you are all so far away from me that it feels like I'm alone, even when I'm not. I just need to jump on my plan and throw myself into my future. Yet something is always holding me back, hey so maybe there's a question: What's holding me back? (Yeah good luck answering that one.) I'll just save you and say its lack of motivation. ...That is right though. I am not motivated because I don't see anything I want to start going anywhere. I must not be much of a future type of planner. I need to see it here and now.
good day

happy birthday

Fri, 26 Jan 2007 12:49:37 GMT

hello Mom? are you there? anywhere? I haven't seen you in forever... and I'll never accept this fate of yours. It's been too long without you, everyday that I live feels like a struggle. Please guide me through this world, I need you.
I love you. Happy Birthday..

Hello?

Tue, 07 Nov 2006 19:50:25 GMT

~~hello~~ pretend jesus,

so you're livin the life aren't you?

I don't appreciate it being the third year without my mom here. I've dealt with too much, seriously I'm ready to have her back now... Times they are flying right by and she's missing everything!. Oh, and let's go ahead and rub it in by throwing Thanksgiving on her death anniversary, like holidays aren't hard enough these days, sheesh. Hey, don't stop there, let's keep adding to the fun of Stacy's fate, okay? With my dad still having his own family --without me, ... yeah, great because being alone in life is such fun. Thanks for my part-time job that isn't even worth the time anymore. And right now I'm going to leave it at that because this is pretend right? just like you?

the real stacy