The past few months have been mentally straining. I think so much that I tear myself apart inside and out; where my nights just end up in tears and even more thinking, doubting, and uncertainty. I stopped running, I became careless, unmotivated, unknowing of my future...I had become boderline depressed. But just recently, I regained an inch of revival that I needed in order to begin living my life again.
I figured out within myself things I had to do in order to keep myself from going through that loop again:
Every single day, I challenge myself to continue to grow. Even though I'm fully aware of my rollercoaster-thought process which can have me smiling and laughing in one hour, and sad in the next (kinda sounds bi-polar), I make a committment to myself every morning to be happy and make every moment of my life productive.
I've made myself fully aware of the challenges that have been laid in front of me and I am tired of playing victim to such obstacles. Although I wish things such as finding a job once I returned home were reality, I refuse to sulk in such regret and instead, tell myself to keep forward and find ways to make my situation better.
To make my physical better, I need to stay active. Since I have no classes to walk to on a very hilly/stairy campus, running has been my haven. Not only have I come to love the activity, it has allowed for me a time to experience a new side of Stockton by meeting fellow runners/walkers on the passerby, and seeing the many different faces that are also concerned with their health. Everyday is something new, quite exciting.
But although I've been meeting new people, I still continue to feel distant with the old. This has been a continuous struggle for me out here. Friends here at home are very different from the ones I've grown tremendously with in LA. I try my best to become comfortable again, but its still very different from what I became comfortable with hundreds of miles away. I can honestly say that I am not myself when I am around folks here at home. I curl up into a ball and fall back into a close image of what I once was before I left. Its hard, but either I'm too hesitant to try to reaquaint myself on a different level with my friends here, or that we have just become too distant. I hope it isn't the latter, but I also need to meet them halfway.
Although I still struggle, I try. Maybe I'm being over-dramatic about my move back home, but it has been very difficult for me, even if I hardly show it, or if I do all the time. But just know that I'm trying to make progress for myself because for 22 years of my life, all I knew of was school. And now that that's out of my life (although not for good), I need to find new ways of improving myself in preparation for my future.
