so i feel as if things lately are at a transitional stage. i dont know what to expect or how i feel on so many different levels its amazing. somehow i lost all sense of self and i dont know who i am or what i want anymore, not to say that i ever really knew who i was to begin with. i think i identify with way too many material things, of course i think everyones guilty of that but i am more so than anyone. ive always wanted to be something other than what i am, ive always looked to be something different and better in my opinion and now im just getting tired thinking when will i ever be happy with what i have. when will i be satisfied enough with myself to just say okay this is as good as its going to get. i mean for christs sake i think starting a boob job bank account when youre 16 is pretty messed up. why have i always wanted to be anything but what i am and when did i get this notion that im never good enough, i think i could be gorgeous and have everything fixed that i want fixed and still find flaws. im tired of not being what i want to be, ive always thought that if a certain person or group of people didnt like me then it was a problem with how i look, it was either oh its cause i have no boobs or oh its cause im not thin enough and its ridiculous but im like that. and im not saying i have no personality and im completely shallow but im saying i could probably have even more personality if i wasnt like that, maybe the problem lies in who i am as a person rather than how i look, i just dont know where one flaw ends and another begins. things are just getting crazy.

valentines day, the flu, and pamela anderson