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| labor pains I am in the middle of labor pains here at Loma Linda. Nine months ago, on a scorching heart August day, medical student, esther, was conceived, and she's been growing in the warm and safe womb of Loma Linda ever since. And in two weeks, via 13 excruciatingly long and cumulative tests, a first year medical student will be born!
In the middle of cramming for these finals, I sometimes feel like a negligent alcoholic mom. You know, the one who drank alcohol all throughout her pregnancy, but 8 months in, realizes, crap... I'm gonna have a messed up baby. So then progresses to cut down on the substances and stuffs herself with prenatal vitamins, fruits, and veggies. But it's too late, all of the vital features have already been destroyed... heart, brain, lungs, face are already beyond repair. I hope that I've taken good care of my growing body of knowledge for these past 9 months! But I know that I've been quite negligent at times. These 9 months have been a gift that God has entrusted me with, and it's been a journey to faithfully care for this responsibility. So maybe I haven't quite been the alcoholic mom, but it's a reminder that I'm not always so faithful with the gifts that God gives me.
At the end of it all, I hope that I emerge, not with some stellar grades, but with a true understanding of healing and the kind of person that God wants me to be. Labor is painful, no doubt. But you endure it because you emerge with a new creation, not just numbers on a report card or some letters after your name. It will take three additional labor pains before I can call myself a doctor, but more importantly, I hope it will produce a more persevering, compassionate, and giving human being.
<3 Esther, W.I.P.
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| dear xanga,
It's been a while and another round of exams has come and gone. It's hard to believe that there's only ONE round before first year is OVER. God has been soooo good, taking care of me in every way possible. This was the first round of tests where I completely let go to Him. I opened up my unwilling fists to give Him all my worries and my dreams.
It's so easy to become selfish and self-centered in medical school because it's an environment that cultivates such a mentality. Sadly, people understand when you can't help out a friend or give your time to God or to someone in need, b/c of course, u have to study. I mean, you wouldn't want me to accidentally kill a patient right? And I'm deep in debt... which are all true. It's as if we feel that one day, seven years later, we will magically become kind, caring, compassionate people who will help the poor and freely give our money. But we can't do so right now, b/c first we have to get there. I HATE this mentality. I absolutely hate it. I hate how susceptible I am to it; I hate how pervasive it is. I hate how suddenly I feel like I'm entitled to things that I would have never even dreamed for before.
It's been a struggle, but it's been really good. TRULy. God is real, so real. Happy easter :)
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| Today, I did an extremely nerdy thing and studied at the food court at the mall. I know, i know... bad idea. But barnes and nobles was PACKED so I had nooo choice. During the two hours I was there, three separate groups of people came and left the table across from me. Three LOUD groups of teens: pre-pre pubescent, pre-pubescent, and pubescent teens. I couldn't help but overhear their conversations (i really couldn't), but listening in only made me realize how out of the loop I am these days. Of course, all of their conversations revolved around their love lives, crushes, and current hotties (that much hasn't changed). But the group of 7-8 year olds really bothered me... as they were texting away on their blackberries and sidekicks, they had the kind of conversation that you might only hear in a bar/lounge or Sex and the C ity. Is it just me, or is that really weird? What happened to innocence, giggles, and passing notes over the pencil sharpener?? Why do these kids want to grow up so fast? there's nothing so great about being an adult...
mmm.. miss these times. I used to use markers and crayons to paint my nails and put on make-up, to the horror of my umma. I used the phone twice a week to call my best friend :) We used to walk around church on cold days, blowing into rolled up church bulletins, pretending that we were smoking. We giggled about the boys that we liked and ran away from the ones that we didn't. We picked all the roses at church to make "perfume." We made other kids cry. Life was simple.
 
Innocence once lost can never be regained... let's protect the innocence of the little ones. <3
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| Hello dear ones, it's been too long. happy thanksgiving, merry christmas, and happy new year! too many holidays in such a short time, and it's already 2008.
This past winter break ( i know, i can't believe that it's already over!) was precious time for reconnecting and rest. My body decided that it doesn't like the stress and more stress of school, and it's been telling me so, very loudly and clearly, for the past few months. So the past two weeks were spent cajoling it back into fighting shape and for the rigors of another 6 months, or is it, 7-8 years?
I also got to spend lots of time with the special people who love me unconditionally :) Vat a vonderful way to end this last year of so many transitions! I was just able to bask in the warmth of such love.. and God taught me how he wants me to love and live and appreciate and take joy and do all the things that I so rarely take the time to enjoy. And when I came back to Loma Linda, I had erica halmunee just loving and taking care of me all over again. I live with the most amazing and beautiful woman in the world. She knows how to meet the needs of others in the most unselfish way... that is true beauty, no? God is soooooo goood.
I wish you a beautiful year of adventure, rest and peace! Hopefully, God will be enough.. no, more than enough for all of us! Where you find purpose and direction, love and hope, and all those cliched terms that really do mean much more!
may u live life like the little girl in the front and not the grumpy boy in the back, looking on (although i love them both!) 
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