Can I get a lift?Well, whoever said marriage was easy, wasn't married. That's really all there is to it, the boogers.  Now, I didn't say it wasn't wonderful; it is at most times. But it isn't a piece of cake, either. It's really a long road full of boobie-traps, pitfalls, potholes, and roadkill (old friends, inlaws, and bad habits...). The thing is, I just never saw it all coming. I suppose I'm just a die-hard optimist who believes that life will turn out "ok" if I just do my best at doing the right thing, or work hard to make it "ok." Technically, it should be, right? Maybe one takes for granted the changes that will occur in your world and life view between the happy honeymoon and the trials of real life. The things that you begin to not be willing to overlook for sheer love. The change of desire, the change of preferences. One also takes for granted the presuppositions that your spouse will have. You know, expectations? When imagining married life--that is prior to getting married--I realize now that I had a set of ideals that I thought marriage was. Without knowing it, I fought with my husband on issues that weren't necessarily necessary, but were rather figments of my mental construct. For example, my expectation of his reaction to things I do. "If he really loves me, then he would/wouldn't act this/that way about it..." right? Wrong! You see, when thinking of "working hard to make it 'ok,'" I had the right mentality, but failed to think that I might have the wrong idea of "ok" or that my methods of making it "ok" might not work inside the world and life view of my spouse. The truth is--lay it on the line here--I keep screwing up. Fighting him on things and hurting us both, and after the fact, I stop to wonder, why wasn't I happy to begin with? What was he doing so wrong? Was it me? Am I nuts? (Quite possibly...) I can't say this to him, though, because I've said it before, and my backing down on principles that I feel strongly about doesn't do either of us any good. It just makes me more bitter and him more jaded to my complaints. I just can't figure out one thing: do I live with a difficult man or does he live with a difficult woman? I know the latter is true in many ways, and every time I see him crushed under the weight of things I said a bit too harshly, I feel like I've just torn my own heart out over stupidity. Although, he does that to me often, and I don't know that he's remorseful. But within a few days/weeks/months the temperature gradually starts to rise again, and before long something happens and we snap. We say and do things that hurt each other, things that we don't really mean, all in justified by that fleeting feeling of righteous indigence. I know if we both felt more willingness to talk about things when they happen--little things--they'd not collect this way. But getting mad means avoidance. Avoidance means build up. Build up means pressure. Pressure means KaBoOm! When he gets mad, it's usually a case of "be quiet and leave me alone!" When I get mad, it's an all night talk 'n cry (with me doing the majority of both) that ends in one or both of us apologizing only to revisit the problem again at a later date. Often I let the small things slide until I just can't take them anymore. I do this because I don't want to henpeck him. He comments on all the small things but prefers NOT to talk about big things. Eventually the former gets under my skin until I start chasing him around the house for one of my infamous all nighter sessions. Anybody out there understand? (I know the answer to that.)
Better question: Anybody out there know what to do in a case such as this? Just superficially, I find it to be an ironic extension of the age old quandary the one and the many. Human beings naturally independent and selfish, tend toward the one--while the reality is often the needs of the many, the group. Then again, human beings question the existence of God--the one--over humanity--the many. Even further, the idea of one God vs. the Trinity, I suppose being the one way in which the dilemma is resolved. Anyway, marriage is definitely that: a constant struggle to see both the needs of yourself, your own survival and happiness, and those of the marriage of two over all, which at times can seem fundamentally different. Maybe it's ok to admit I just don't know. Perhaps that's really where I have to start on this whole thing, by admitting that I don't have the answers and can't make things "ok" on my own. Maybe I'll go ask my husband what he thinks. | 
