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Tuesday, November 18, 2008

  • it's all wrong, it's so right, so come on get higher.

    i'm just going to bitch now, k.

    my arms hurt from crutching around campus this afternoon. i'm tired of my roommate making fun of me for being injured (wtf?). i'm tired of feeling like no one here gives a damn about me. i'm tired of feeling like every day i walk around in my own world. i try so hard to let people in, but everyone just lets me down. i haven't seen john in three weeks and it's driving me crazy. we fight when we're not together, and it breaks my heart a little more every day. i know it's tuesday, and i know i came back to school a day late...but i miss my family.

    i miss my dad. i feel terrible about what i did to him this weekend, i know it's not my fault, but he can't snap out of it. the look on his face when he saw me laying on the ground screaming about how bad my knee hurt makes me cry just thinking about it. he was acting weird yesterday before he left for the week and i asked him why. "it's the first time one of my kids has been seriously injured...and it scared me. seeing you hurt so bad made me hurt too. all i wanted to do was fix it for you, even though i couldn't". i miss my mom. she sat with me in the ambulance and held my hand. she took care of me all weekend. she sat with me all day and made sure i was okay. she made me laugh when i needed to most. i miss my brother. every time he sits next to me while squeezing my arm and saying "do you really have to go?", my heart hurts.

    i don't want to be here anymore. i want to be away from everyone here, and closer to the people who care about me. i feel like everyone here just judges me based on what they know thus far. i've existed for 18 years without you knowing me, so what makes you fit to tell me what i am, or what i can do?



    i just want to go back to new jersey with my family. i want to go back to john and arielle and danielle and zach and andrew and brittinee and nikki and donna. i know i can't, so i should stop dwelling and work on a research paper due thursday that i haven't started yet.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

  • i have NEVER been so scared.

    i just got home from the emergency room.

    again! second time in two weeks.

    this time, i was helping my parents move and i fell. yep, hard. i dislocated me knee. my kneecap was literally on the side of my leg. i was in the most excruciating pain i've even been in in my life. i almost passed out four or five times, and i barely remember. the ambulance driver who took me there called it some sort of "emotional trauma reflex". my daddy literally held me like a child while i sobbed and screamed into his shoulder. my knee was stuck in one place, dangling. they gave me some morphine in the ambulance because my heart rate was getting dangerous and so on...apparently from the pain.

    anyway! so they popped my knee back in to place (just as painful as when i dislocated it...). i had the most amazing doctors and nurses. dave, who sat with me the whole time and watched the flyers with me, is the most amazing man i've ever met...ever. he held my hand while i cried and he took incredible care of me. he's fresh out of med school, and i am so thankful that he was there.

    so they gave me a knee immobilizer, some crutches, some painkillers.



    never a dull moment.

Friday, November 14, 2008

  • no common ground to start from, and we're falling apart. you'll say "the world has come between us". our lives have come between us. and i know you just don't care.
  • i think politics are sexy.

    yep, i said it. i've come clean. there is something so attractive about a person (guy or girl, i'm speaking about both genders!) who can carry on an intelligent conversation about the state of not only the nation, but the world. i know i'm weird, but it dawned on me today that during my 8am western euro class. we were having an intense discussion on joe biden's brilliant comment about how obama will be tried like jfk was. it was eight in the morning, and i've never seen a group of 18-20 year olds get so fired up that early, especially after thirsty thurs. anyway, it was incredible. people were getting so heated. i loved it. i love people.


Wednesday, November 12, 2008

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