SO, today i had the usual......derogitory comments from drunken old men sipping at their club specials while trying to get a single glance at what could perhaps be something of intrest underneath the layers of skort....I watch as their eyes sway back in forth between my eyes, my chest, and the quality of most intrest on the course....my calves.  "Do that thing where you go up on your toes Nikki!"  oooooooooohhh they exclaim.  I smile, giggle, cross my legs and bat my eyes as they ride off into the sunset....just  see them a few holes later, a little more loose, a little more intoxicated, and a little more perverted. 

Harmless right?  At first it gave me almost a sense of pride in my apperance.  All year long I strive to obtain this perfect image that never seems to be good enough for my profession.  I learn to never be satisfied, to hate my every curve, every inperfection, every inch of myself.  I constantly compare myself to those girls who have the perfect hair, the perfect smile, the perfect body, and the perfect flirty personality to match it all.  I wonder why i have no confidence. 

So, it is nice to have people looking at you in an way that I feel I am never looked at, I hear words I dont hear very often....beautiful, pretty, hot, sexy....what!!  me??  Are you sure??  It becomes easier to play their game.  The more you flirt, the more you get tipped.  Harmless?  sure.....then it becomes even easier....the role playing begins....thats all it is after all.  Thats my profession....thats what I do, I role play...so each day becomes a stage, I am the confident girl who struts her stuff, and always get what she wants.  Flirting becomes as easy as small talk, and suggestive remarks become basic conversation.  My vocabulary changes from "Hello Sir", to "Hey baby!." It just rolls of your tougne....and rolls into your normal every day life. 

So thats good right.....a little confident flirting never hurt anybody right?  well....maybe it takes more of a toll then I thought.  Because I see myself as I am, but what is the world seeing me as?  It didnt occur to me that maybe Im being looked at the way that i look at all those skannky girls that i hate. 

just a thought, a sad one.                                             

Currently Listening Autobiography By Ashlee Simpson see related

thoughts man....

its funny how caught up we can get in something that may not even exist.  The mind is a powerful tool, capturing thoughts and spinning them into dreams, or even into fantasy's that are so clear and so vivid, we believe them to be true. 

Its the moment you say that you arnt going to do something, that that something comes into your life sitting in front of you, flaunting itself, basically screaming your name....so you go after it, forgetting everything that you thought was so imprinted in the blue prints of your mind.  Just when you go to grab it.....its not even there....a figament of your imagination

I want to forget my past

I want to forget those lies they cast

I want to believe whats true

I want to percieve all things as new

God says, "be patient nicole." 

but when will i listen?

Currently Listening High School Musical By Original Soundtrack see related

1.  I LOVE MY LIFE GROUP---I seriously can not wipe the ear to ear smile that i hold on my face the whole time i am with them.  They all inspire me so much, and together we are CAPTURING THE LIES!!

2. I LOVE GOD---enoough said, except that it should probalby be #1

3. NO more sweets until easter- lent

4. im tired these days, more so than usual...too much to do....yada yada

Currently Watching In Her Shoes see related

BREATH OF CHILDHOOD

Every girl needs a night where she is swallowed in sweat pants 5 sizes too large, hair braided messily in pig tails, makeup 75% off from the day, and the rest running down her cheeks as she is engulfed in one of those inspiring, sad, joyus movies while eating pop corn and reses peanut butter cups. 

There's just something about letting go of all else for a couple of hours, forgetting that your room is a disaster, you have 4 projects due in the next week, and the noise of the world is screaming in your ears. 

Its about breathing, because so many times in life we forget to breath.