okcholey's Xanga

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

Wed, 07 Jun 2006 01:57:45 GMT

SO, today i had the usual......derogitory comments from drunken old men sipping at their club specials while trying to get a single glance at what could perhaps be something of intrest underneath the layers of skort....I watch as their eyes sway back in forth between my eyes, my chest, and the quality of most intrest on the course....my calves. "Do that thing where you go up on your toes Nikki!" oooooooooohhh they exclaim. I smile, giggle, cross my legs and bat my eyes as they ride off into the sunset....just see them a few holes later, a little more loose, a little more intoxicated, and a little more perverted.

Harmless right? At first it gave me almost a sense of pride in my apperance. All year long I strive to obtain this perfect image that never seems to be good enough for my profession. I learn to never be satisfied, to hate my every curve, every inperfection, every inch of myself. I constantly compare myself to those girls who have the perfect hair, the perfect smile, the perfect body, and the perfect flirty personality to match it all. I wonder why i have no confidence.

So, it is nice to have people looking at you in an way that I feel I am never looked at, I hear words I dont hear very often....beautiful, pretty, hot, sexy....what!! me?? Are you sure?? It becomes easier to play their game. The more you flirt, the more you get tipped. Harmless? sure.....then it becomes even easier....the role playing begins....thats all it is after all. Thats my profession....thats what I do, I role play...so each day becomes a stage, I am the confident girl who struts her stuff, and always get what she wants. Flirting becomes as easy as small talk, and suggestive remarks become basic conversation. My vocabulary changes from "Hello Sir", to "Hey baby!." It just rolls of your tougne....and rolls into your normal every day life.

So thats good right.....a little confident flirting never hurt anybody right? well....maybe it takes more of a toll then I thought. Because I see myself as I am, but what is the world seeing me as? It didnt occur to me that maybe Im being looked at the way that i look at all those skannky girls that i hate.

just a thought, a sad one.

thoughts man....

Wed, 24 May 2006 06:37:15 GMT

its funny how caught up we can get in something that may not even exist. The mind is a powerful tool, capturing thoughts and spinning them into dreams, or even into fantasy's that are so clear and so vivid, we believe them to be true.

Its the moment you say that you arnt going to do something, that that something comes into your life sitting in front of you, flaunting itself, basically screaming your name....so you go after it, forgetting everything that you thought was so imprinted in the blue prints of your mind. Just when you go to grab it.....its not even there....a figament of your imagination

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Tue, 14 Mar 2006 05:43:11 GMT

I want to forget my past

I want to forget those lies they cast

I want to believe whats true

I want to percieve all things as new

God says, "be patient nicole."

but when will i listen?

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Wed, 01 Mar 2006 05:35:23 GMT

1. I LOVE MY LIFE GROUP---I seriously can not wipe the ear to ear smile that i hold on my face the whole time i am with them. They all inspire me so much, and together we are CAPTURING THE LIES!!

2. I LOVE GOD---enoough said, except that it should probalby be #1

3. NO more sweets until easter- lent

4. im tired these days, more so than usual...too much to do....yada yada

BREATH OF CHILDHOOD

Sun, 26 Feb 2006 04:34:38 GMT

Every girl needs a night where she is swallowed in sweat pants 5 sizes too large, hair braided messily in pig tails, makeup 75% off from the day, and the rest running down her cheeks as she is engulfed in one of those inspiring, sad, joyus movies while eating pop corn and reses peanut butter cups.

There's just something about letting go of all else for a couple of hours, forgetting that your room is a disaster, you have 4 projects due in the next week, and the noise of the world is screaming in your ears.

Its about breathing, because so many times in life we forget to breath.

Sunday, January 01, 2006

Sun, 01 Jan 2006 12:44:38 GMT

I dont know what it is about New years that has always just been fabulously unfabulous in all the years that i can remember. I dont know if its the perfect distance from the beginning and end of break that puts me in a rut....or if its the fact that when i reflect on my past year and my year to come that i never get a sense of satisfaction in all i have accommplished and all that is before me.

i remember trying trying trying to strain my eyes, stinging with redness, head bobbing up and down trying to stay awake just to see the ball drop, crown fall, peach decend....which ever one the parents decided to have on the television screen that year. As i cuddled up with one of grandma's croched (sp) blankets on the couch i felt so dissappointed when i was suddenly awaken just in time for.....

five, four, three, two, one......

it wasn't the same....there was no count down to the count down....and i would drag myself upstairs to bed once again not excited by the new year, but unsatisfied with how the night had ended.

Fast fowrard to high school years....it was just the same....no partys, no friends....just me, the couch, the parents and if i was lucky some sparkling apple cider.....

Then finally the college years. For sure the fun would begin. All the anticipation over the years, i was ready for what everyone else experienced. The drinking, the confetti, the obnoxcious hats and noise makers....It was my time take it all in first hand....

I remember my freshman year sitting amongst all my brothers drunken friends. Sipping on my Smirnoff wine cooler, I didnt know a soul....and Ive never felt so out of place in my life. I had picked out the perfect outfit and yet no one was dressed up. I had picked out the perfect drink, but it tasted more like sour apple jolly ranchers without the alcoholic affects i was hopeing for to cope with the night. I had picked out the perfect boyfriend who didnt even call me at midnight to wish me a happy new year.

Sophmore year, old problems had been shed, and new ones had arised. I had just left Pennsylvania where I said good-bye to my grand mother at her grave, watched my father sob for the first time in my life, and left behind all my extended family to go home to an empty house in Georgia. Dad had gone back to Oman, and Chris was in Thailand. It was me and mom. We had gotten a bottle of champaigne to celebrate the occasion that night, and when it came time....i went to bed about half an hour short of the fireworks.

So I shouldnt have expected anything different this year. Its inevitable. my new years are going to suck. Back in Oklahoma....... i wanted nothing more than a bottle of wine, some sappy movies, and the comfort of my own pillow. I wanted nothing more than to have the new year come and go without me having to endure the emptiness that comes along when the clock strikes twelve.

Of course I let my best friend talk me into walking the two blocks to bricktown where all the excitement was to occur. I drink my wine, put on my high hell stileto shoes, made up face, curled hair, and newly recycled ensemble only to wait until after eleven for her to even arrive. You see.....she had met a boy that day, they went out for dinner, dinner turned into drinks, and the inevitable traffic got them to my apartment with minutes til midnight. We dash down to bricktown only to see lines, drunkens, lines, dirty nasty guys (all of which Terra was convinced that I HAD to kiss one of them at midnight), lines, and more lines. And in all this, Terra also misplaces my twenty dollare bill. From bar to bar, line to line, astronomical cover charges from ten to twenty dollares.....we decide three midnights til the BIG moment to head back to my apt....for at least there was cheap wine in which i could drown my sorrows.

As we are one block away from the aparment, the clock strikes twelve.....here I am standing in the middle of an empty street, all dressed up and sobered up watching the fireworks explode....to my left my best friend making out with her new boy, on the phone my brother, half sober from his amazing concert in Chicago that i could have atteneded, half drunk in his misery from a recent break up.....to my right......home. As I watched the multitude of colors take over the sky I realize that New Years is just another midnight. Just another day. And for that itself.....I should be thankful.

Thursday, December 15, 2005

Thu, 15 Dec 2005 02:52:24 GMT

Have you ever caught a glimpse of what your life would or will be like?

Rubbing away the condensation on a foggy window just to see a small circular scene into your future.

Sitting in a small cofee shop sipping on a cafe mocha.

running into an old friend out of the blue.

Walking home after work, stage makeup on, cabodole in hand.

Having people not look twice for they know youre no protitute, youre one of the many with talent that have landed exactly what they want.

Lucky. Proud. Sucessful. Happy.

In those moments when i think, feel, see what my future could be I get glazed over with happiness. I true sense of happiness. ...not overly excited, not fearful....just plain contentment.

Those are my favorite moments in life, when i am content. Because those moments rarely occur, where you wouldnt change a thing.

I cant help but tear up thinking about my life and the amazing opportunities that have been given to me and the many more to come. Even if its waddling around in a penguin suit, dressed up like a peppermint, Dancing back up to the lead, yelling "yippee cauyo caye" while galloping across the stage, or dancing a prayer of "HALLELUIAH" to the Lord.....Im there, Im in my element, Im alive.

And to think that i will be able to do this, to retrieve these feelings for more than 5 days at a time for OCU show weekends just sweeps me off my feet and takes me into Halleluiah chorus over and over again.

King of Kings, Lord of Lords....it is YOU.....You have given me this talent, you have fed my every desire, You have taken me further then I ever could have imagined. You have made it possible for me to make my every dream a reality.

I cannot wait.

Monday, November 07, 2005

Mon, 07 Nov 2005 04:01:05 GMT

Every girl dreams of that fairy tail ending.

The knight on the white horse gallops up to the princesses castle. She gazes down from her tower up above, and alas she sets her eyes on her prince charming. She’s helpless, lost, vulnerable, hopeless, and is in dire need of being rescued. “Repunzle, Repunzle, throw down your hair.” His voice….so strong, masculine, and remarkably sexy. Every word trickles down her spine as the rhythm of her heart beats goes sky rocketing through the roof. She tosses her threads out the window, and princey-poo climbs up to her rescue. They gaze into each others eyes, beads of sweat form within their palms, and slowly they move in for that picture perfect kiss. He is her hero, and she will love him forever.

It is so romantic, so charismatic, so idealistic, so impractical.

Why is it that we feel that we need to be rescued? Rescued from what?

I personally find this so 18th century. I am a big girl, i can take care of myself, and if i need help ill ask for it. I hate those girls that are so needy. So insecure with themselves that they need a guy to "save them" from their eternal desparity. Because in real life, there is no white horse, there is no black knight, there is no castle, and there is no 50 foot braid. So why do girls search for this?

Because there are those guys that feel like they always have to "take care" of the girl. Like we are so helpless, so emotional, so listless and lifeless that we need a big, strong boy to come to our rescue. Always asking if we're ok, like we are babies. Always wanting to know whats wrong with any hint of a frown. Ever heard of something called a bad day....and NO, i dont want to talk about it. You cant solve my problems, that really arnt there in the first place. If i need you, I promiss, Ill let you know. So until then go find yourself a princess, a girl that has no opinions of her own, always needs a shoulder to cry on, always in need of a pick me up, and always finds comfort in the arms of a man. Its an easy place to rest, but an easier place to slip and lose yourself and your own ability as a woman.

Maybe i say this because i have no prince charming in my life right now, but living life with a 50 foot braid, just to have some man crawl up it like a vine sure doesnt seem like happily ever after to me....more like a splitting headache.

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Tue, 25 Oct 2005 03:39:31 GMT

Love.....Actually

Love in its stale, untouched, raw environment. A real look at love.

What Love Actually is.

The little boy confesses "Im in love"

his father responds "Thank God, i thought it was something worse."

The boy replies "What could be worse than the total agony of love?"

The gut wrenching, stomach twisting agony, drop to your knees, dwelling in your mind, cant stop 24/7 brutal pain of love.The cant have it, desireable, unattainable, vicious mentality. The so close that your heart drops to your feet, weak in the knees, butterflys flustering, turning away at the last moment, pain stakingly almost feeling of love.

And this is what we all would die for, give our greatest inhibitions, risk every bit of it, throw away all reality for. For that moment where love actually "lifts you up where you belong." And then rips you apart, every inch of your body aching, yearning, reaching, for that moment to yet come again, maybe. They give it all up for that instant in time where nothing else exsists except for that mind-numbing feeling they call love.

But yet we push it away, we choose reality....we choose practicallity....we choose life. We are too hurt, too crushed, too vulnerable, too scared, too cautious, too realistic. They are loved by someone else, they are too far away, they dont speak your same language, they arnt ready for love. So one lives with the pain of loving from a distance, never knowing, never taking that chance on love......

But they still love. and love is love is love.

one day maybe i will be LUCKY enough to experiece this crazed brutality, agonizing, God-awful feeling they call love.

And they say love is a many splendid things.....

The little boy declares, "lets get the shit kicked out of us by love, dad."

Friday, October 21, 2005

Fri, 21 Oct 2005 05:41:47 GMT

So, tonight i confessed my "like" for a boy.....

IM not gona lie, i am one of the most awkward, nervous people ever!

nervous habits....

1. playing with my phone

2. playing with the blinds

3. playing with my pop

4. playing with my hair

5. saying "what!" every five seconds

and of course the inevitable blushing 5 shades of red.....

Its funny though. I kinda went into the whole thing knowing that I wasnt going to get back a response that i was necissarily going to like.......

"Im just not in a point in my life where I want a relationship.....Im really busy.....I really like (hanging out with) you.......yada, yada, yada."

I couldnt help but chuckle inside......Ive read this a thousand times over.

HES JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU.

So you can imagine that i was totally crushed, embarresed, vulnerable.....

but i wasnt. if i can fall out of love....i can certainly fall out of "like."

It almost put me at ease.

cuz at least now i can stop the incessant wondering....

"He loves me"

"He loves me not." (last petal falls to the floor)

who would have thought that it would be that easy? ok....it wasnt easy at all....as i stumbled over every word, and spoke ever so rapidly, confusing even myself with the incessant blabber that didnt make any sense at all.......

Who would like me? Im a crazy mess.....

no no no....who wouldnt like me? Im a crazy mess......ha.

I wish that i had something really inspiring to say, because i feel inspired for some reason......

Who would have thought being rejected could make you feel this good!!??

i think i might actually sleep well tonight.

Thank YOU.