Crying Feels Great

Continueing with the way situations have gone with my family....monday I was talking to my sister-in-law and I just could not hold it inside anymore.  Oh how I try to be strong for people, especially for my family but I couldn't and it just overcame me.  I cried for atleast 2 good hours, not continuously but quite a bit.

For many of you who know me, you see me smile a lot.  I can be good at hiding my true feelings because I want to protect those around me from getting hurt.

But when the pressure gets to be too much, I cry....but I feel so much better.

There's still things I need to talk with my brother...He's just not around that much with all his business trips...but I'm not going to give up on my family. 

I'm grateful to be close with my dad, and to have grown even closer with my sister-in-law.  I wish I was closer with my mother but that's another story inside itself.

That's why I'm so afraid to loose my brother....I feel like I've already lost my mom.  I don't want our closeness to ever colaspe like it seems to be doing thus far.

One important thing I've known but have never really understood is that God is truly the only one who will never fail us.  Yes our family is supposed to always be there but sometimes they fade away.

I don't regret everything that has happened.  I know this is shaping me into the woman I desire to be, loving and nurturing and giving,  which is one of the reasons I decided to be a nurse.

Another great thing from releasing the stress is that I've been eating healthier and have lost 5 pounds.  Okay so maybe you thing I'm one of those crazy girls who is obsessed about her weight.

However, if I'm going to be a nurse, I have to set an example of what being healthy is, as well as being a nurturing caregiver.

I hope through all of this that my heart does not become as cold as stone as for as some it would but that my desires to help those I love and those in need will only continue to develop.  I'm not asking to be a people pleaser which I believe brings on unnecessary stress on itself but to truly be there for those I love and not fade away.

Those who you love the most

I don't know what to do.  I feel like I'm loosing touch with my family and I don't know why.  It's been a stressful weekend and I've been put to the test more than ever.  If you asked me how much I love my family, I couldn't begin to describe. I would do anything to help my family.  If they just asked, I would do it but when it comes time that I need something, there's really only a few I can really ask.

Back in the day when I was a child, my brother and I used to be so close or so it seemed.  Being 13 years apart had its effects but they were positive effects....he was not just my brother but someone I knew who would look after me and I would be there for him.

But as the years have passed things have changed.  The weirdest thing is that it didn't come upon gradually but it just happened or so it seems.

I noticed the siblingship of my brother and  I fizzling away as I began college.  E-mails became less and less.  We both claimed it was because of his job and my school.

But since I've lived here in Texas this summer, I thought this would be the chance to get to know my brother better, on that same intimate siblingship we share but I feel like I've lost him and his job has seemed to get the better of him.

My brother is an executive VP of a business company, a controller with his CPA.  Of course I'm proud of him and I want what is best for him.  But I feel like as his little sister, I've let him down somehow.

For instance, Father's Day I wanted to get him something but I didn't know what to get him that would be of value to him or what I would get him would be good enough.  He has so much more than I could offer as a college student.  I know money can't buy love and happiness but my love for my brother doesn't seem to cut it these days.

It really hurt yesterday when my brother decided that he wouldn't take me to the airport to fly to NJ.  Fortunately my friend from work is going to take me.  But I just figured he would especially just this one time.  Isn't that what family is suppose to do.

Last night I fell into the same rut I normally do when I'm angry, eating and eating but then  I went running for a good hour and I felt much better

I want to talk to my brother but he's always gone on business trips during the week.  I guess I he doesn't want to make more trips to the airport than he has to.

It's not that he won't take me to the airport that upsets me.  What upsets me the most is that I'm loosing my brother and I don't know what to do to get him back.  I miss him a lot and I've missed him for quite some time.

How the Time Flies

It is already the first of July...I can't believe the summer is flying by so fast.  So far summer has been great...I've been blessed getting to live in Texas this summer instead of Muskogee, OK, been blessed with an amazing job at Petsmart which I couldn't have gotten a better job if I had tried and spending time with my family...

In just four weeks, I will be stepping onto the airplane at Dallas-Ft. Worth airport and flying to New Jersey to see my Grandma.  It's been two years since I've been there and this will probably be the last time I go since my family is moving to North Carolina.

This summer, God has been teaching me a lot of things....a lot of who I am especially in Him.  Though many times I fail to faithfully rely on Him, I wouldn't be at this very spot of my life if it weren't for God.  The friends I've met, the places I've gone, the time I've spent are all due to Him.

As much as I enjoy going out and hanging out with friends, one of the things God has revealed to me is how good it is to have time to myself, to spend reading and relaxing...after a hard day of work or just taking a break.  I believe we all need times to ourselves.  I know I do. 

I never really realized what an independent person I can be. However to say I'm independent is somewhat of an understatement because I'm depending on the Lord right?  But to be completely honest, some of the decisions I make are not always decisions I've made in prayer and meditaton..  What I mean by being independent is that it's not so bad having time to myself, relaxing and reading a book rather than going out every night and being exposed to drama.

Oh how I despite drama but I'm also discovering that living life is drama....it just depends how loud or quiet the drama is.  I choose to live in somewhat quiet drama, to relax and be content who I am as a person. Thus I am still exploring and discovering that I often find it hard to accept myself the way God made me.  There's so many things I want to change but it first begins with being complete in Christ.

I write this dear friends to let you know you are not alone.  Sure we all strive to be better...we all have a purpose to fulfill and we won't be content until that purpose is complete. There are many goals to endure. Each goal may be succeeded or some may be left behind.  We may experience times of joy when we reach those goals or times of disappointment when we don't but hang in there. Don't give up.  Satan will continue to brutally tell us it's no use.  We are no good.  We're sinners.....But we are saved by God's grace.  This is key to being complete in Christ. 

Turn Your eyes upon Jesus.  Look full in His wonderful face.  And the things of  this earth will grow strangely dim.  In the light of His glory and grace.

C-H-A-O-S Continues

Hello there,  today has been one chaotic day!  How I never post anything on here anymore but I gotta get this out of me. 

I woke up this morning somewhat refreshed (I got to sleep for the first time in who knows how long), went to sell my textbooks and workout.  The day was started off grand.

Then I had lunch and headed off to Good Will to drop off some clothes.  However on my way to Good Will, I got pulled over for speeding.

  I couldn't believe it.  Surely I wasn't getting pulled over.  I mean, I used my turning signal and everything.  Turns out however that the speed limit on Jenkins (by Lindsey) is 25 not 35.  I was going 39 in a 25. 

When the cop pulled me over and asked for my drivers license and insurance, I couldn't stop shaking.  My body was literally shaking uncontrollably, especially my right leg that was "resting" on my brake. The cop even told me to calm down.  I could tell that my voice was getting higher and that I could have started crying.

When the cop went over to his car, I really prayed and then the cop came back to my car.  He had received another call and had to go.  He told me I was really lucky. 

I wasn't lucky.  I was blessed.  God was merciful to me once more, although I didn't deserve it.  He was there and is still there.  Thank you Lord.

He was there when I got a 0 on my Nutrition test....haha not really a 0 but it got misinterpreted on desire2learn and is getting fixed.

He was there when the buzzard went off at Borders although all I had was my purse.  The lady worker followed me into the restroom to make sure I wasn't shop lifting...haha me a shop lifter... who would have thought?  Okay I know I shouldn't be like Simon Peter.

I think God is showing me that He is there for me this week as I get ready for finals...especially my BIG FINAL in Microbiology.  Currently my grade is a 79.4...so close to a B.  This final makes all the difference.

I really want to make it into nursing school.  That's God's decision.

Pieces Unmended

Piece by piece
is put together
but there are still so many pieces
scrambled across the table
Where's the future of my life headed?
I've only mended the pieces of the past
And the pieces of today
But I want to place the pieces of tomorrow
Yet somehow I can't find
Which pieces connect
Which pieces fit
I want to be there
I want to be with you
But until I solve this puzzle
My life: pieces unmended.