Is it bad that it's only my first day back home, and I'm already ready to leave?

I don't know if it's the heat (my house is not air conditioned), the fact that my bedroom has become an exercise/storage room, or just my general resistance to living at home.  When I walked in my house this morning, I took one look around and knew that I needed to get on my feet and out on my own as soon as possible, or else I'd be destined for a mediocre exsistence, languishing away in my mother's house for some indeterminate amount of time.

I feel bad for feeling like this. I should be happy to be here, this is the first time I've been home in over a year. I am happy to see my family, and I'm really looking forward to going to church tomorrow and seeing my friends. But even though this is home, it no longer feels like it.  I feel like I don't belong here anymore, like I'm just a visitor passing through. My life and everything that's important to me right now resides in Missouri. NJ has become a sort of life sized memory box; a place where my past lives.

I'm going to spend the next few days planning and praying about the immediate future.  I normally procrastinate on things like that, but my unhappiness and frustration are really spurring me on to make some serious changes in how I approach my life.

Birthday Countdown: 19 days

My Dad called me about an hour ago to let me know that he and my brother were leaving my house.  They should make it to Springfield sometime tomorrow afternoon.

At first I was really mad and upset with the idea of going home, but the more I thought about it, the more comfortable I felt with the decision I made.  I'm starting to believe that I'm doing the right thing.  But I still have some doubt, I still have some fear.  So now I have to let go and trust that God's hand is in this situation.

I'm really nervous and excited about seeing my family for the first time in over a year.  I can't believe it's been thirteen months since my Mom dropped me off at the airport and kissed me goodbye.  Thirteen months since I've seen my Mom, Dad, and brother in person.  I hope the time I spend with them will be sweet.

Birthday Countdown: 22 days

I threw in the towel today.  I decided to stop being stubborn and childish, lay down my pride, and ask my parents for help.

I talked to my Dad a little while ago, and he's making arrangements to come down to Missouri and get me.  I'm going to go home to New Jersey for a few weeks and try to sort things out from there.  I don't know when I'm coming back to Springfield, but it will be before school starts up again.  I don't know what I'm going to do about housing and a job once I do come back to MO.  I just know that I'm in a lot of trouble and I need to go home; I need to be someplace where I can heal and get my life back on track.

So, I went for a walk tonight, a really long one.  I talked to God for a while, and then I let him talk.  I was surprised by some of the things I learned, but thankful to hear them.

I wish I could describe how I felt when I saw the hundreds and hundreds of people that came and accepted Christ at I Love America.  If only there were words strong enough to make you understand what it's like to see God change people's lives and know that you had a small part in that.  Yesterday I was Christ's hands and feet, walking the slightly muddy ground of a massive field and ministering to people.

I finally got a small glimpse of what it's like to lay down your life for the sake of the gospel.  But it was enough to make me understand the importance of the task I've been called to.

One moment that really sticks out for me was when they cut some of the ropes that seperated the altar area from the seating area in order to let those that were responding come down.  I was standing backstage with the rest of the choir, watching and praying.  When I saw the ropes being cut, my prayer turned into the song "Did You Feel The Mountains Tremble?" by Delirious.  I haven't heard that song in ages, but it immediately came to mind as I saw the people responding to the gospel message.

Did you feel the mountains tremble?
Did you hear the oceans roar?
When the people rose to sing of
Jesus Christ the risen one

Did you feel the people tremble?
Did you hear the singers roar?
When the lost began to sing of
Jesus Christ the risen one

And we can see that God you're moving
A mighty river through the nations
And young and old will turn to Jesus
Fling wide your heavenly gates
Prepare the way of the risen Lord

Open up the doors and let the music play
Let the streets resound with singing
Songs that bring your hope
Songs that bring your joy
Dancers who dance upon injustice

Did you feel the darkness tremble
When all the saints join in one song?
And all the streams flow as one river
To wash away our brokeness

And here we see that God you're moving
A time of Jubilee is coming
When young and old return to Jesus
Fling wide your heavenly gates
Prepare the way of the risen Lord