A brave front

(I'm blogging again and I haven't done any work)

I feel horrible and I feel like telling people. But I'm not going to, cause I know I'm not going to explain. & they'd be frustrated and I'd get even more frustrated. I'd just go on my own & beat myself up.
I can't believe how I'm closing up again.
I feel like killing myself, I hate how I treat everyone.

I'm sorry Thalia, I didn't know why I just threw everything at you. I'm sorry.

My grandmother asked why we put photos on the net, for who? For everyone? Friends? whatever for? I realised how right she is, and I hate myself for my reply. I deleted all my photos, cause she's right, there's no point. There isn't.
No one needs to know me anyway.

I'm going to try and disappear & hope whatever shitness will sink to the bottom of my heart. I'm going to try and press it down.
I'm going to be brave and my face is going to say I'm fine. I'm going to make it through. I'm going to make it through. (x 99)

I'm coping.

But Clarissa says that I'm good enough :)

Today's headache super turn off. I'm blogging in hope that I'll start my Lit after this. I haven't studied the whole of today after a failed attempt to study out.
In the end, I still didn't go to the gym cause of my splitting headache.
Feeling like vomitting quite a few times today, totally horrible. I could hardly speak & I feel so horrible >:( As if nothing in the world's gonna make it right again.

I hate being plan B. I hate being left out like whatever, sorry if I'm too demanding then. But I feel so freaking hurt whenever I eat with someone who (turns around and) talks to everyone else. I feel like I'm eating alone, great. I should just be my own best friend.
I hate being the back up plan.

Looking at Clarissa's & Tessa's & Jon's messages today made me happy. Alright Pork, I'd be strong :) I love you lah you toot. :)

Today, I feel like I'm fighting a war alone.

I need to find my new thumbdrive damnit. I remember my mother telling me she kept it somewhere and saying that I'd forget it, & I said I'd use it. She's sadly right. >:(

(Postsecret.bs)

Throughout this post, I'm just contradicting myself.
I've built up a wall against everyone I know. Just some, just some, I hope they won't let me fall.

Thank you for this moment,
I gotta say how beautiful you are.

Currently Listening Fly Away By Corrinne May Scars (Stronger For Life) see related

Stronger for life

I like days when it ends off happily - like today (and yesterday )
Studying with Clarissa and Cheryl is superb :) & we had super brain food - Wanton :) yayee
Clar! SSEM :D

Today had basketball too, & though we're trashed like super again, we had fun like anything. Super hilarious watching people make mistakes, I love play basketball with them  & Siaoyi's super cute anyway haha.

Though the talk has like influence on my father, & it gets quite annoying, I'm glad Cheryl & Clarissa's happiness can make me remain happy heehee :) Aiyuh, my father seriously needs to understand that I'm me. :/

(I'm quite sick! >:/)

I'm so thankful for friends, they get me through :) Even when I've got so many reasons to whatever, they help me hold on :) Haha Synchro's a bitch, I've realised. & I'm aware of how many teammates read my blog :/ But I can't help it, it is.

My body is completely falling apart, completely, I feel like I'm dying haha.

(hee, since the other nicer photo is so commonly seen)
I'll learn to 'fang qi', but I won't 'fang qi' you :)

(papa, lately you've came into my mind, why?)

& I'm going to give up,
It's the only way to get there.

Dear Papa,

I remember how I called you papa. That was really why I've called daddy 'daddy' all these years actually. It's like then, he doesn't replace you. It's like then, maybe you'll come back. It's like you could still be around.

I wonder, will things be better if it was you. I wonder, so tell me.

Love,
Shawn Chung.

Smile the day off,

Am I ready to be the girl I used to be?

Well I didn't think that today was going to be superb day, but Tessa & Christine never failed to be the highlight of my life :) I'm really happy when I talk to them please, super.

Today was quite screwed up, though PE was super fun. Haha Ugenie, you super cool lah. Ultra funny please.
The newspaper thing was a complete "what the hell!" for me. I can't deny that I was totally annoyed & whatever. I mean, is this how human nature are like? It's scary.
Talking about it to Tessa is ultra good. & talking about synchro  to her and a little to Ethel totally makes me realise alot of stuff about it. I guess I never really came to true realisation unless it's laid out infront of me.

During Chinese, TYM asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I didn't really understood him at first, thanks to his way of asking lah. Then I realised, I don't really know what I want to be. Then I thought about it, I don't even have any goals in my life. What am I living for? What's about life? What do we do then, if we reached our goal?
Humans only desire more, and more. They never know when to stop, never. I've never been a competitive person I admit. (Though I love beating people I wanna beat, k don't make sense haha) & I've never found the meaning of striving to be the best, to rise above others. I've never found the meaning of the desire to win others so much. I've never. (Though I want for Liverpool lah, but different ;D)
What, am I living for?

Reading the Chinese passage, makes me realise how true it is. How it really reflects the true nature of people, and people ain't exactly pretty. How we've never really learnt how to let go or learn to give up somethings. We don't, we just desire more and more and more. Human's nature.

I think I do too much reflecting ha ha.

I'm really glad for my friends cause they're always there for me. How selfless is it for Tessa to wanna teach me acids & everything. How selfless is Jolene there helping me with Chinese. How selfless is it for Louisa to continuously teach me Math, & trying so hard to pull me along with her so she doesn't leave me behind, when I've absolutely no mood or anything to study.
I feel so much like a total bitch :(

For Tessa, and Christine, I'm going to study. I'm going to try and study for Physics tomm. (& for my tuition teacher too)
They keep trying to make me study and their endless motivation is just, making me feel super guilty. haha, k I better not "Talk only No Action"  Hate myself for it.

My character sucks, thanks.

(haha my post always super long, damn) (It kinda surprises me how I can be permanently happy last time :/)

(http://www.xanga.com/photos_eat_ur_face)

I'm gonna make it.