I know I haven't been here in awhile.

Jason's grandfather died this morning. I didn't know him for very long. It wasn't until after Jason had come home from New Hampshire, that we started to see them more often. In August he was diagnosed with Stage 3 cancer after they found a mass in his lungs. I do not know why God plans such things, but in the quiet of the early morning, in a house that has been heavy with grief for the past month... he decided to bring Bill home. The man was well-liked and loved by many though. His grandmother has a box of hundreds of letters and cards that have poured in since he was diagnosed. He did indeed leave a mark on the lives of those he knew, and he will be missed. If you come to think about it, please say a prayer for the family throughout this week.

Things...

Jason's first shows with the band are on January 5th and 6th. The first one is at Organic (Melbourne Community Church) on Stack Blvd... I believe it starts at 8. The second is in Orlando at the Social. Starts at 9. Jacob, Lewis, Jason, and I are driving up together if anyone wants to caravan. It'll be fun! $7 and tolls. And maybe some late night Denny's.

I need to turn in my new availibility to work. Not too much longer and I'll be back in school.

My sleep schedule is off the hook. It's almost 2 and I don't feel even close to tired.

My goodness. I want some ice cream.

I am not a fan of the dentist. And I don't understand the point of getting sealants. Almost every other visit I get this little brochure about getting my molars sealed. Well... I haven't had a cavity since I was in elementary school, so why should I start sealing my teeth now? It's $160 wasted. No thank you.

They questioned me about my insurance. It runs out in January if I don't get my enrollment letter ordered. I need to do that today. And change my major so I can get my scholarship money this semester. It's all coming down to this week. And I have been at work everyday since last week. I have Tuesday and Wednesday off, and then I don't see another day off until Christmas. Then Semi-Annual starts.

Jason was asked to play hand percussion stuff for Jason Choi's band, and I know he has some shows coming up in January that I would like to go to.

It's all nuts, but I am doing well. Maybe not entirely at peace, but I am working on it. I just want to get things squared away.

broken record syndrome.

I was driving home tonight, and I felt like I was on repeat. I have taken this drive plenty of times in the last few months. There is nothing ever different about it. I've been dealing with the same situations for months, and in the case of some others, it's been years. And I feel like an old, worn out, broken record. I am saying the same thing, stuck in the same position, and I am not going anywhere. I haven't seen a whole lot of personal growth in these past few months, whereas trying situations often bring out the best in people, I feel like this has fished out a lot of my own personal garbage that I'd either been dealing with alone, or things that I had hidden. And still, I am sitting in my own shame, not willing to give up what's been bothering me for so long.

And I feel like I am on repeat. And worst of all, I feel as though God is silent to me right now. And I've just stopped trying. It's selfishness at it's greatest, that I have just become so numb to the point where I've stopped looking and I've stopped listening. I didn't even see it coming either.

And the only way to fix this is to face what I have been avoiding. To sacrifice my own pride, and admit where my struggles and shortcomings are. Or even just admitting that I do have them to begin with.

I'm just so confused right now.