I have so much I want to say to you. The fact that we can not meet face to face and have a discussion (because even on the phone it is not the same) relegates both of us to words on a screen. What a great way to have conversations *insert sarcasm here*! So I am sending this letter, which I am sure will be long and ramble off on tangents, but it is important for me to do this. Do not be so naive as to think this is all stemming from your email turning down an invitation. There have been feelings of hurt for some time.

First, please let me state now that, as this is a letter and allows for no inflection of tone or voice, I am not writing this in anger. I have waited to let myself reflect and gather some true insight into my own feelings before firing back yet another email. There are several issues/concerns/topics/moments that have caused us both pain and I would at least like to be honest with you about mine. Where we go from this point is unknown, but I have never been able to leave ANY relationship with out an attempt at a goodbye and closure.

So where to start.....I guess when you left Joe. When it happened, you would put words in my mouth "You knew I was never really happy." Well Rachel, not for the whole time. I do remember you being happy. I remember you telling me how lucky you were, how loved you felt. I also remember rough times and ultimatums. The most devastating for me was when you were embarrassed to have pictures of Joe at our highschool reunion. It was a relationship - and none are ever 100% perfect. But I did not love you any less. I was there - or so I thought. Then a side of you I had thought was long gone reappeared. That wild child from highschool - playing the field, out for yours, going to bars, selfishness. At 17, you were surviving and rebelling. At 28, I am not so sure. But I tried to remain your constant. Your sexual escapades were amusing, and if I did not ask about them in detail, you will have to forgive me. I was scared for you. Then you made your choice and settled on one person - Corey.

Corey. For the first 6 months all I heard was the negative. Yes, you would tell me that you loved him, but..... I argued with you, talked with you, and disagreed with your choice of moving him in with your daughter and supporting him out of loyalty to YOU and based on information only YOU had provided me. Remember that Rachel. The basis of my feelings towards him has been based 100% on information from you. I was always there for you to vent. But when I tried to mirror back to you what you said - you became defensive. So I stopped. I prayed. I changed. I decided that if after all you had told me and a half a year had passed, I was going to continue to support you despite what you told me. I almost felt like I was failing you in accepting that - but I did. I quit making any negative comments, asked after his well being, and I even offered my ranch as a place to have your wedding. Do you see how much I loved you? I put aside my own feelings for the ones you have. Was willing to accept him because you professed your love for him. End of story. I decided that things just could not have been as bad as you proclaimed if you were going to remain - so I became silent and supportive. But the damage was done. In venting to me, in making me your sounding board and commiserating with me - you made a division. I believe that the picture you painted and the reality must not match - because for you to live with someone for over a year and not have him meet you supposed best friend?? Well - actions speak louder than words. What have you told him Rachel? Did you play both sides? Did you say "man - she is upset with you, She says I deserve better. Etc..." Did you want some major separation between the man you love and a friend you have loved for 16 years? I can not understand that. I would have never done that with Jeff. It was a package deal - love me, love my friends - and he has always known that. Jeff IS my husband, and I have vented to you without reservation because that is what girlfriends do - support each other. I don’t run back to him and tell him comments you may have made about him in our discussions, because where is the point in that? If there is a divide between Corey and me - then you made it. I have no ill feelings towards him. If he is your choice, your love, your husband - then I would have loved him too.

The next hurt for me is time. Maybe I have it easier than you. I have 2 children, my job, my church, my husband, Masters level school work up through December, my brother nearly living with me, home visits, a non-profit organization I am trying to get off the ground, UIL events, training and home studies to become a foster parent and daily life that does not need listing...but apparently, you need to list all you do to justify your inability to maintain contact. I am not trying to be hurtful, but I do want you to know that when you list off all you are doing that precludes you from talking or visiting - it is not less hurtful. If anything, it makes me think that you think your life is so much busier than mine. Maybe it is Rachel. I do not live your life, and from the sounds of it, I would not want to (the running ragged part). The point is - it still hurts.

I feel I have always been there for you. I was at your wedding. I was with you when Hannah was born. I was there for you when you needed help financially. I was there to listen - and now I feel I am penalized for that. You say I try to "bully" you and that I am abusive.....and I feel abused and neglected. You were the friend that was supposed to remain my constant. So where does that leave us?

This is the hard part. The time in a relationship when you come to the realization that the other person does not feel the same way is heartbreaking. We have been friends for 16 years! Wow! That is longer than most. And I would say that at least 14 of those years I considered you my best friend. The one who loved me, knew me, and would grow old with me. The person that had my back and was unconditional and steadfast. Our past together - knowing all the hurts we had growing up - bonded us. However, our choices and views on many issues as adults seem to be causing us to drift apart. You no longer know what is going on in my life - and I apparently do not know what is going on in yours. So what definition of friendship would that be? I am not so juvenile as to worry about the term "best friend" - but rather, I think it is important as adults to acknowledge the truth of a situation. This is relevant because of priorities. I need to learn to let go. I do not want to put my time, energy, and effort into ANY relationship that is not reciprocal. It should not be one sided. That is a life lesson I learned in Germany.

I do not want to be a chore. When you say you have put "effort" into calling me and that you have "initiated" the last few contacts - wow. That made it clear to me. I do not call you or invite you down out of a sense of duty Rachel. I do it out of love and a true desire to spend time with you. There was never any other reason. That is why I chose the word "priority". You were that important in my life, along with my husband, children, and job. Sometimes I just can not see the writing on the wall. I apologize if I hung on too long.

So- enough with all the heart ache. There is no need for it, and if we are on the same page - than there will be none. No expectations on my side. We can be friends. I am sure we will always be. But there is a distinction between that and what I thought we were. I have a ton of friends Rachel. I am not a lonely person. I also know what a great friend you are to have - and I am sure you have many good friends that are an active part of your life. I am just particular about who I discuss personal issues with and count on - and I will not bother you with those nor count on you. I have been blessed with new friendships that have bloomed and old ones that have been rekindled. Perhaps that will be us one day. Life is not static - things change. Obviously.

I am sorry Rachel. I apologize for hurting you or saying anything mean. Know it was from my hurt. So now I will not hurt you and you will not hurt me. This may sound calloused, and I do not mean to be - but you have to care to be hurt, and I will just make myself not care that much anymore. There will be no expectations. I do wish you the best. I would rather not have you in my life on a familiar basis than be angry or hurt with/at each other.

Believe it or not, I would love to hear from you - but you no longer have to make an effort or feel obligated. The occasional update will do.