I am teary eyed and tired and corn-fused about grief and men and my purpose in relationships. I am in need of some blog-therapy right now.

I am thinking very hard about my instinctive urge to sit back and watch-and-see. This usually works for me. If I let him do his thing, I think we'll be fine. If I impose myself into this situation, I think I'll be sorry, if only because he's not really such good company right now. I don't know how to explain that.

He's probably, as usual, purposely shielding me from this. (So that my image of him is not tarnished?)Last time I saw him this week... monday night?  we went to dinner and he spent the meal explaining in intricate detail how angry he was/is about how nobody visited her when she was at home still, nobody visited her in the nursing home, and now his sisters and cousins etc. were up there in ICU chit chatting with her. On a ventilator. "Are you tired, are you in pain?" He couldn't believe it.

So then I wanted to talk about his upcoming birthday at dinner, and he stated that he does not recognize his birthday and when I pressed him further, he said it was because his sister died soon after his birthday one year...

...and at the time I was still too stunned by the "I hate em all!" spew... to think very clearly about that statement, but I've had more time to think about it, and there will be a time soon in which I intend to explain to him that it is absolute crap to take his sister's name in vain like that, (the fun beautiful sister that never ever got to outlive her youthful perfection...)  If I die, you people better all have parties in honor of my firm belief now yesterday and forever, that I never needed this body much anyway, and death just does not have that much power over me; and I'll be watching! Believe it! (Not in a scary haunting way... a completely benign and loving way...)

I told him he could share my birthday.  Not many people have that one anyway, there is plenty of room on my birthday for him. I think I left it at that. Except his-birthday-wise, last year I missed it because he was far far far away and he mentioned that too. So I'm not sure. I'm presenting presents and a card and being low-key.

I am sure I should not have called last night to whine that I miss him. I know that it is selfish to whine "I miss you" at a man who can do absolutely nothing about it. But I do. I had him to myself for a whole week of vacation, except for the hospital phone calls and the party-planning phone calls (how do you plan a bachelor party anyway?) And now, barely a text. Oh and how I hate text messaging. They are so stupid.

He made a big sigh and said "I miss you too..." and he said he's tired. And I know he's tired. I'm sorry I said it that way, because in response I said "Of course you do." in a snotty little baby way and I know better. Then later his phone died and I went to dry my hair, and I didn't hear him call back. He called back & left a message that his phone died.

He has enough on his plate without my whine so I left him a voice mail not to worry about me if he doesn't feel like talking, and that I'm sending him happy thoughts so that he can just jump up out of the water, just like the dolphins. (While we were at the beach I was so thrilled to see the dolphins surfacing on the horizon, and I was sending them....duh, this doesn't work, don't try this next time you are at the beach... happy thoughts so they would jump up out of the water. It seemed like the thing to do at the time.)

He is trustworthy. I think I'll just trust him to do the right thing. If he wanted me there at the hospital, (where I can do absolutely nothing because he really only wants immediate family in the room with her...plus I've never met her, my presence would be absolutely inappropriate.) he would let me know. And it's not really even that I want to be there. I just want to bring him a coffee or something. I just want to Do Something.

And there is not a thing I can do.

Currently Watching Finding Nemo see related

sweaty

me: do I smell bad?
L: no. {sniff sniff.} a little bit
me: what do I smell like?
L: a little bit of strawberries and some prune juice

I am tired. And I woke up at 4:45 and I got to work by 6 and did stuff till finally the guy came to visit we've  been expecting. And I feel sweaty. So I always worry I smell sweaty.

anyway. thedailyplate website is interesting. I have no problem staying within the caloric goals if I'm listing everything I eat that way. today I weigh 188. I walk faster than anyone I know. I can lift heavy things and I can run up stairs and climb tall ladders

Just  keep  swimming.... just keep swimming swimming swimming...what do we do? We like to swim...

I ate what

I ate today

jimmy dean bland and cheezy sandwich thingy

http://www.thedailyplate.com/

blah

Okay so next item on the future beach trip agenda. Is. A more flattering swimsuit. Oh and a tummy tuck. And no more fast food.

I want to go back to the beach. I want to stand there and feel the waves push me. I withstood hours and was never bored. Each time I looked again the beach had a different face. People came and went, built futile castles and dug everlarger holes to groundwater or China whatever came first.

But I won't have my feelings hurt if nobody ever takes another picture of me in a bathing suit. I marvel at how I could possibly be both the most beautiful and the most hideous woman I've ever seen. I never notice that anyone else's face becomes such a horrible  picture at the wrong angle I look like... ? what. I must be imagining it. How could I be that ugly? I never look ugly when I look in the mirror. J. says I make a little pouty face at myself when I look in the mirror. I love to look in the mirror at my face. Because I know all the right angles.  But photos, completely not me. That isn't me in that photograph. Whoever took it did not care to find the right angle. No artistry was summoned when shooting me into future digital oblivion...delete me.

Seriously I must have a lovely personality because I know nobody could stand me otherwise.

If that's what I look like.

Seriously.

There's no way I look like that.

Because I do not see that person in the mirror.

Currently Listening Till the Sun Turns Black By Ray LaMontagne Be Here Now see related

the other one

One time there was a boyfriend that I have since decided was crazy. He would want to fight at 2 AM. I would need to sleep because I had work in the morning, and he thought it was a good time to argue. But, the key here was, I wasn't angry and didn't even know what he was fighting for. It was in his head. Later I read an article. It insisted that narcissistic people will decide things, wage battles for reasons nobody understands but them. They do this because they decide they are right and then they must convince others they are right. Since they are really only interested in what they think, it's okay with them if they alienate themselves. This is my loose personal definition.

Where are your manners? I would wonder, Why won't you let me go to sleep? And then he would accuse me or shout about whatever he had to say about the fact that I did not care what he had to fight about. It was all about him. And he would misbehave and for his excuse, his one and only excuse, oh, my only son died as an infant in my arms when I was 16, he said. Well. So go to a therapist. But I cannot be your therapist. Nothing excuses this behavior. I did not kill your son. I did not know you then.

You cannot treat me this way. I didn't smack your mother or key your car or run over your puppydog either. Nothing I've ever done deserves this behavior. Nothing everybody did to you causes me to believe I could ever be the brunt of this type of behavior. Ever. There is never any reason to treat me this way.

The end of my marriage gave me the mantra...
Nothing I've ever done was this wrong. Never did I deserve to be treated in a less than humane fashion. My friends do not treat me this way and therefore you are not my friend, and therefore you are a liar if you claim to love me. And if you are a liar, then why would I wish to associate with you?

It is a brick wall. Idiots cannot get past.