May 16, 2013

  • Helping My Sister Die

    I just got back from Los Angeles.  I was there for a couple of weeks staying in my sister's apartment in La Verne and visiting her in the hospital every day as she lay dying and we all pretended she was getting better.

    Those two kids.... my niece and nephew,  ( her two, there are 5 of us and 13 of those nieces and nephews )
      kids in their 30s and 40s   floundering with no plans and me as an adult,   this is where I placed myself... no one knew what to do and no one made any plans or decisions before the fact and although the truth was out there,  some of us were convinced she was coming home.

    We watched her beat severe sepsis,  like with a 30 percent chance.  We watched her beat pneumonia.  I had 9 or 10 good days of conversations and memories,  we had a birthday party for her,  her 70th on May 3rd, and then again the next day... and the next day.... her presents were new every day.  She lost her short term memory,   a lot of it... she became a dialudid addict and boy was I jealous,  I tried to stop it the second to the last day and made them aware.   She was asking for it every 2 hours and saying her pain was a 6.    Her pain was a 2 and she went for 5 hours without it,  telling the Dr. she felt fine as we talked and laughed.   It kept her lucid....   The very next day it was a fact,  pain management was now a priority and addiction was a mere side effect,  ignore it...  I said goodbye 30 minutes before her last dose,  to re-insert the nasal suction, she was bleeding in her stomach and the bile was still leaking,   she had pulled the suction out and begged and begged the dr. not to put it back 3 days ago but it didn't work....   I stayed through the procedure and it was not as painful as it had been the first time,  but she never came back after that final dose..    I hugged her and said I loved her and we had plans for me coming back for a week in June and again in August for a full 3 weeks when she was 'home'....  then I left for Ontario Int. Airport and she fell into a coma and never woke up.

    her children were at a loss,  my niece and nephew... I stayed in touch for 4 days after coming home and was back at work on Tuesday after she died on Sunday... I thought she had died on Friday when I left... I was in  daze... I was in phoenix airport and spaced out looking at cactus in a gift shop... i don't know how long i stood there... my plane had left 10 minutes ago.... it took me 4 planes and 25 hours to get home and I had not slept more than 4 or 5 hours for eleven days.  I went to work on Tuesday and Wednesday... on Wednesday they sent me home... they made me understand I needed a day off... I said I had been off all last week and they said,  oh no no,  you weren't off,  you were sitting with your dying sister... yada yada yada... oh I forgot... I should take a day or two right...

    I upgraded myself to First Class on the flight to New York City because I could not bear to sit on the tarmac while people unloaded their shit. I was the first one off the plane and the first one in a cab... I never check bags... If I have to have something unexpected, I purchase it at my destination and I prefer to use the local post office and ship my shit home in the mail rather than check a bag.   I often use Priority Mail at the post office you can ship up to 70 pounds in one of their boxes very cheaply and you don't need to deal with checking a bag... I hate it... when that plane is down I want OFF and OUT....  First Class was great. I'll think twice about not flying first class again,  after refusing a hotel and getting another flight,... I mickey moused my way from LA to Phoenix to Charoltte to NYC in 25 hours just because I wanted to get back as quickly as possibly and not sleep in a hotel one night even though they offered a great discount.. I was not able to sleep at all at this point... I just slept my second full night since May 1st,  last night... I just got up and am now going to to go eat.

    I'm going to take 2.5 mg of Zyprexa because I have one and I am a bit up now.....If I take any more it makes my feet tickle and it's worse.  2.5 mg will be perfect.  I'm high on adrenaline and had coffee which I need to start cutting back down on.............................

    . once I get stimulated I guess it's hard to get back down.....  eat,   sleep....... that is my goal for today.

    we,  they,   we just decided what to do with my sister last night... so today is my first day off,  I think , i slept late,  i keep thinking I hve to get ready for work or thinking something that isn't true and then realizing that my sister just died and i am at home and don't need to do anything now until Monday but the phone is ever present and I am,  if awake,  expecting a call or to call someone and to have to get ready to go....  I'm numb...

    they are cremating my sister.... there are two empty graves up north next to mom and dad.... no one said anything a bout the arrangements for 4 days....  there were horrible misunderstandings... and i guess everyone was numb... it was unclear who was supposed to do what.... my brothers and sisters are spread out and my family was clannish and now the matriarch (my mother)  is gone and the one who took control has been disabled and i stepped up but am on the opposite coast.... those kids,  those 30 and 40 year old kids are helpless....  it is their mother.....  it is our sister but it is their mother....
    this is all settled and clear,  4 days went by as one...

    This is the first of US.... of 'us kids'.... of us 5.... of us siblings to go.  Now there are 4 of us left.  Orphan adults with no parents and spread far, far apart....

    i am going to do something else,  like shower or eat or sleep or watch TV, ... i should pay my bills... thank God I was prepared... if there is one thing i learned early on to avoid hardship which is coming no matter what is to be prepared as much as possible and it does help... that is a known fact from my own experienced.

    i am prepared to have 4 more days of nothing.... nothing at all   rest.... I realized last night that I am in a manic state and have been so since the first of May.  

    I have not driven a car in about 25 years,  to any extend,  and have not driven in Los Angeles but grew up there as a kid.  I hit that Foothill Freeway at midnight,  got lost in Realto,  Pomona and San Dimas but finally made it to La Verne... My sister was in Glendora.....  During the 10 days I conquored the Los Angeles freeway system.  I easily found my childhood home in West Covina.   My dream is to buy it back,  retire there and fill it with everything from the 1960s that I can find on Ebay while having a wonderful garden in the yard...  it is The House on The Hill which is what we used to call it.  My dad built it.. I found my old schools,  my old friend's houses,  In and Out Burger they used to go thru when they went to the Drive-In movie thinking I was asleep in the back seat... Very near that house on Avington Avenue,   and so was The Donut Hole, still there, a giant drive through donut...

    I had no idea I grew up right by Route 66,  my aunts and uncles all live around there,   ( not all but a ton, mom had 11 brothers and sisters and there are over 100 cousins scattered all over )  

    it was home again and it was fine... the same and different at the same time.  Uncle died while I was there and I went to an aunts back yard and met many old cousins and kin I had not seen since childhood.

    I was very UP UP UP while there and even went out one night and will not say what I did.

    I miss Los Angeles... Driving around was neat.  I got lost in East Los Angeles, Baldwin Park,  El Monte, Covina, Glendora, Glendale.. Pasadena, ..... I saw old places I saw as a child, still unchanged.   Structures my father built... there was so much more,  I never even made it to downtown or Hollywood or anything touristy, I only drove around one day and a half,  mostly I was with my sister...

    then she died and in retrospect she was never coming home, although somehow there was hope.....

    i gotta get back now..... i can't even end this because it isn't really over... ever.... it's not over now but I haven't eaten anything...
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    My life has fully blossomed..... I suppose Fall is finally here.
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April 21, 2013

  • My Sister Is Dying

    That is such a shocking thing to say, but I don't think I can deny it.  I am deciding if and when to fly to Los Angeles and be with her and my niece and nephew and other sister and brother and cousins and aunts and uncles and I am terrified and trying not to make it about me.

    It isn't even like it was visiting Mom in Northern California where I spent the majority of my life, this is actually "HOME" home....This is smack dab in my roots and where I spent the best years of my life... I'm terrified.

    I'm terrified to fly in the first place. When Mom died,  on the way to the airport I had to tell the cab drive to pull over so I could vomit.  I'm sick days before I have to fly,  with anxiety (I use Propranolol for temporary anxiety relief, and I would drink as much as possible but alcohol makes me sicker easily so I generally avoid it...)

    Anyway... there are relatives and family that I have not seen since I was 13 years old that is causing mega anxiety too.  Especially since people want you to stay with them and drive you around. I don't want this I am scared and prefer my own motel room and rental car,  but am horrified to drive in LA... I have not actually driven a car in probably 10 or 15 years now, although I am sure it will come back.  The last time I did this was take a rental straight from the airport into down town SF which is fine and actually a very tiny city and I have driven there many times.  I have never,  as an adult,  taken a car out of the airport onto an LA Freeway and worked my way into a suburb in the foothills.  I'm sure it will be fine but it fills me with negative excitement and fear...

    They think you are weird and snooty if you don't stay there.  I have more than 100 cousins,  more than I know about and I have never met many of them.  Several of these I know from childhood.  They already think I am the odd ball who ran off to the city, and when I got Facebook and got back into contact with them , several thought I was actually DEAD and I had to prove who I was... someone had started a rumor years ago that I was dead....  shit....   I had other cousins that did die and I did not ask the root of this rumor but I can only imagine....

    I also find it extremely ironic,  that just because they spend the majority of their waking hours sitting in cars,  they live in LOS ANGELES and I am the one who ran off to THE CITY.... crap...

    It would take to long to describe what is wrong with my sister in detail.   She is in frail health,  near 70 years old and has smoked like a fiend all of her life.    She had a  "Billroth 1" procedure a few years ago because of ulcer damage.  She had an obstructed bowel.   She has a host of other health issues.  She has a high tolerance for pain and I believe has Dysthymia  however I am the only person in my family deals much with science and logic. 

    The others believe that any sort of problem that is not a physical sickness,  like anything emotional or mental is either just laziness... spite,  acting out as a cry for attention, stupidity or just someone feeling sorry for themselves.   She has been anorexic and weighs 96 pounds.   she has always been lethargic and apathetic and does not take care of her self nor visit a dr. when needed. 

    She must have a high tolerance for pain.  She walked around with a broken neck for over a year nearly paralyzing herself without even knowing after a car accident and didn't even see a dr. until she slipped a year later and made it hurt...  

    anyway she was vomiting shit... she knew she was vomiting shit.  it didn't smell nor taste like she but she knew what it was as it had happened before.  I begged and begged her to go to the hospital or call someone... she would not,  she was in touch with her son, he knew.   This is not new behavior for her.   She has a home health aid that lives right next door....   she was not in pain and did not have fever and told me would see a dr. soon or call 911 if it got worse.    she waited 3 days.  She hates, loathes and fears going to a Dr.  

    She had to have the Billroth II procedure :(

    It is leaking.  She is septic.  Her blood pressure and vital signs were roller coaster for 2 days..  she is stable...

    She is starving to death and still septic but the white cell / lymphocyte count shows improvement.

    A decision has to be made by her and her two children.  

    A specialist has to be found who is willing.

    I am waiting to hear if and when they will perform a surgery to repair the leakage.  This obviously has to heal for the sepsis and for the destruction of the acidic bile leaking into the sensitive tissue of the cavity...

    If a surgeon is willing to do the surgery she is weak enough that the risk is great of her not surviving it.

    Yesterday she had not been told the details.   If the surgery is not done,  the chances of her healing on her own and surviving are slim.  

    I am waiting to hear if and when to fly out.  If they do the surgery, I will go to where it will be performed before and during.  If there is not be nothing done, I will go to where she is now....

    I am so sad,   my family is weird. My mother was near 40 when I was born and worked in my father's company.   My older brother was exactly 20 and in the war.   This sister was 17 or 18.   She was the first woman I called "Momma"... and then there is another brother,  another sister 8 years older than me and the me.    My early roles were confused.  When I saw Precious, this was after my mom had passed, I spent the next day in bed weeping because I thought I had been raised by my grandmother and my sister was really my mother because there were  also whispers of tensions between my parents and my older sister involving secret things and jealousy on and off over the years. 

    Anyway,  I called the younger sister to ask and apparently I am my mother's 5th child which I really kind of thought anyhow but the possibility and similarities were shocking to me and I obviously have maternal feelings toward both of my sisters as well as my mother.

    I was basically raised through the 1960s in  LA by a tribe of 6 adults of various ages... this is how I seem to have knowledge that precedes my years to some people... I was exposed to life as it unfolded and was shielded from little, although heavily protected....

    anyway, my point is .... I'm pretty much in shock because I'm losing my big sister, my second mother and they say you can never go HOME again.... but I am probably going to have to try anyhow....
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February 3, 2013

  • On Being Zapped with Xanga Premium Automatic Annual Charge When You Weren't Expecting...

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    .  You kind of think,   oh my god, I'm still attached to that? 

     

    I have hardly used that think all year!  I have to disconnect that automatic charge thing!   Strangely,  I just used Xanga  to blog about visiting the Kitty Genovese, murder site...  after not blogging or using it like, for forever.... 

    ....so I wonder how much is the universe getting back at me,  or worse,  her!   Before that, I hadn't blogged in a long time...

    And then I called to see how she was doing...I do actually care,  when I forget how hard it is...

    (no, not Kitty Genovese)

    Anyhow, then, with perfect synchronicity, she does it again.   She manages to press my buttons and repress them.  She presses:

    1.  Oppress
    2.  Depress
      3.  Suppress
    4.  Repress

    These are the buttons that have been being dicked with since I was born and knocked her out of of her role as "The Baby"
     
    She has clearly never resolved her role displacement anxiety disorder since the time she was a vulnerable child at the age of eight.  She is still a vulnerable child and I am the target of this angst,  resentment,  unresolved detachment issues, jealousy... 
     
    I have tried and been hurt so often but more and more I realize it,  it will never work , she is stoic.  She has let her brain atrophy.  She is willing to settle sadly into "old age" and experience being an "old lady"... 

    Why do I put up with it and try to bring in reason in to conversations where no rationality exists... 

    It would make a good telling but I don't even feel like the subject matter....

    Well,  statements.... it would be good to record statements... statements would be but enough.... without even emphasizing the fact that these statements are staunchly defended,  and any knowledge by myself imparted upon her is quickly denied, justified simply by it hasn't been her experience...

    This is an adult,  mind you...

    Most recently...   it goes something like this...




     

    "What is it with Shingles? Everyone is getting Shingles these days and I have never heard of it before!!"

      ....."I have heard of Shingles all of my life.  It is from chicken pox,  older people and babies have always gotten shingles"

     

    "No.  I have never heard about it."

    ....."Mother told me all about shingles when I had chicken pox when I was about 20. I have heard about old people getting it for years.  It's only because there is a new vaccine that you are hearing about it"

    "Well, she never told ME about it!"

    ...."The virus is dormant in your body until your immune system is weakened.  I see it a lot at work and hear about it often ,everyone is getting told to get the vaccine"

    "Well, that doesn't make sense.  I know two people at work who have had it,  and they are young!  I have NEVER heard of it in my life!  Now two people have it! Something's going on! There was never shingles before!" 

    (I work in a hospital)

    This is how the conversation starts... it drifts to Polio.... vaccines are the subject...

    "I think you have to get vaccinated every year"

    ..."No, just once.  There's a booster.... people who have had it can get a post polio syndrome"

    "Yea but that's people who have had it."

    ...."Yea, 'post' means 'after'.."

    "Well, it's just like small pox, I don't think we have to get vaccinated because we don't have it anymore..."..

    "...(sigh)..."  

    "People are getting small pox again too."

    "..." (I am biting my lip, trying not to make it bleed... I realize the conversation is spiraling rapidly into oblivion... It's too late at night... I try to make small talk... I get caught up again when subjects of the hurricanes are revisited:

    Big sighs,  lots of big sighs and a regrets, I forget about what until something I actually know about comes out:

    "I sure wish I could have visited Coney Island and New Orleans, The French Quarter before they were destroyed.."

    ...."Coney Island wasn't destroyed."  (I live in new york city)

    "But I saw the big roller coaster in the ocean on television!"

    ...."That wasn't Coney Island, there are little amusement parks all up and down the East Coast, dozens of them... that was down in New Jersey. The Hurricane struck the whole coast of New Jersey,  Coney Island is in Brooklyn.."

    "Oh"   (this is the second time we have had this conversation)

    ...."and you know now about the French Quarter don't you, that it wasn't washed away?..."

     

    "Well, that's what you said."

    ..."well I sent you several links to articles to read about it,  the first one started out  "By A Wing And A Prayer, The French Quarter Is Saved".. or something,  and then one was about the president speaking in the town square from the gazebo, and about the woman who owned a candy store and the other businesses that were open, but no one went because everyone THOUGHT nothing was open,  and that there were people who actually stayed through the storm there, tourists and residents.."

    "Yes, but I saw those pictures of that water coming up and you know once that water gets in there, and that mold, they have to replace all that wood and everything ,the floors and nothing will really be original..."

    ....."but the water did not get there, the French Quarter is on higher ground,  it was lower down where the water flooded when the levees broke......."

     

    "LEVEES!  LEVEES!  YOU BELIEVE THAT????"

     

    I started to read an article...

    "WHERE ARE YOU GETTING THAT?"

    ...."university of California, Berkeley"...

    "BERKELEY! Don't you know that that is the most LIBERAL ....

    then it got into how you Can't TRUST ANYTHING WRITTEN BY UNIVERSITY PEOPLE...  COLLEGES ARE THE WORST...

     

    I am involved in this. I AM ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE WHO ARE TRYING TO TAKE AWAY ALL OF THOSE THINGS MY ANCESTORS FOUGHT SO HARD FOR!

    and I "suppose Hillary didn't have anything to do with "killing those men in bengazi!"

    Now I have all this power to actually destroy the world and society.  I am a socialist.  I want to give away my freedoms...

    I do not say how I think, feel and believe, it is now dictated to me... 

    I now have no  knowledge. The reason for this is because I have been brainwashed by liberals and socialists and educated persons and academic people who want to give everything to the poor and don't want to work  for it...

    I am at the end of a screaming lunatic and am not able to speak... at this point my objective blood is boiling....

    At this point I realize again how much I hate this and how unhealthy it is...

    and I "suppose you still like Obama!"  .... this is all loud and angrily screamed at me... I haven't been able to speak a full sentence for several minutes now... I have been reduced to raising the volume of my voice and animal behavior, my heart is racing....

    There is no longer discourse.  There is discord.

    At some point I had asked about what media to listen to or where to get sources from and the only response was

     

    FOX NEWS!  it's the only news you can trust...

     

    ...well, this just gives me anxiety and makes me sick.  It makes me feel disgusted by this person.  It makes me feel so sad and sorry that this person remains at such primitive level,  without so much as the basic concepts of science, biology, statistics, politics, history, ad infinitum... to even come to any type of  rational concision that the thoughts continued in her own grey matter spurned by her own sensory exposure remain the only source of knowledge she has ever had control of...

    She has no neural network.  She has no cognitive flexibility.  She has let her brain atrophy... There is no desire to learn, no craving for mental plasticity ...

    poor thing,  she is now like a broke winged bird limping to and from her nest....

    I must focus on WHY  this bothers me so much, I have always wanted her approval...

    (and even now, as i write this, i am physically shaking, aside from coffee!)

    it has always been,  no no no,  what I know or think or say is always invalid.  All of my experience or knowledge in the world is invalid...

     

    here are some more statements...

    ...i visit the west from the east after living here...

    ..."I really enjoy the trains, riding to work..."

    "There are no more trains anymore"...

    ...I pull out my address book and show the number to AMTRAK

       I say I ride one to work from New Jersey to New York EVERY DAY... and she says,    get this...

    "NO, there aren't any more trains anymore."

    there are a few more sentences back and forth and I ask if she thinks I am lying or making it up and doesn't she know about Amtrack and she actually says:

    "Well, there aren't any more Choo Choo trains."

    this is a FULLY ADULT GROWN WOMAN.  who has had 2 children and has access to books and computers.

    She also argues with my niece at one point,  "Yes, Spain is in Mexico, because they speak SPANISH"

     

    WHY OH WHY WOULD YOU TRY TO EDUCATE SOMETHING LIKE THIS?

     

    Is this AUTISM?  ASS BURGERS SYNDROME?  A personality disorder?,  retarded histrionics?...

     

    the thing is why does it BOTHER ME ME ME!  I am the SUBJECT HERE... even though it seems the subject may have been SHE or HER all along it has really been ME.

    why can't I let it go.. I have not been allowed to grow, to fully form and be respected as an adult.  I never will.  My knowledge will never count.   What I see on a daily basis is invalid. What I have been doing for 25 years is meaningless.  SHE will always know more than I.

    I have to let go... then I remembered how good Xanga was at spewing this shit and venting... and quickly cancelled my Premium so that shit doesn't happen again next year... I've been here so long I should have Premium for life for nothing...  anyhow...or did I? I didn't even check.. I just got reminded that I need to spew and my biggest problem in life right now is HER and it is sad and killing me,  it stayed with me for weeks, I tossed and turned and grinded my teeth...

    I yelled out in my dreams... I went back to therapist because I have something to talk about...

    How can you live with shit like that?  How can you just listen and not say anything?

    Is this sibling placement hell?

    severance...

    emotional severance

    how to obtain it.

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January 20, 2013

  • On Visiting A Murder Site..

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    I was with Kitty ( Catherine ) Genovese,  Kew Gardens, Queens, NYC.  It was 3:14 AM on friday, March 14, 1964.  I was with her when she was stabbed five hundred times and watched as he raped her dead body.  He cut her bra off with the hunting knife he used to kill her.

    She died in the door right near her apartment.  She nearly made it home.  It took thirty two minutes for him to kill her.  Someone yelled for him to stop out of a window, but did nothing else.  The papers said that 38 people saw her being chased, or attacked and  or heard her scream and no one called the police.

    She drown in her own blood from a stab would directly to the lung.  She was the murderer's third victim.  He just wanted watch women die.  He is still alive and in prison.

    Kitty Genovese's lesbian lover, Tina Louise, (Ginger from Gilligan's Island) came to me and said she did not hear anything.   She told Ed Asner the same thing.

    The neighborhood is beautiful.  I would like to live there.  Kew Gardens, if it were a city,  would be the fifth largest city in America and is one of the most densely populated.   Kitty was murdered below her apartment, the second floor of a cute two story building where I wouldn't mind living.  I would like to live in her apartment.  It is right by the subway and the Long Island Railroad station.  

    As I stood and photographed the site, people gave me looks as if they knew what I was doing.  A bad memory.  I so badly wanted to approach the older people on the streets and ask if they remember.

    Although I was I just a child when the TV movie came out,  it had a strong effect on me.  I always call the police if I see someone in distress or needing help and never assume someone else will. 

     

     I have been a "victim" of The Bystander Effect when helping a drunken man out of the subway track,  no train was in sight,  but a large group of people stood and watched me struggle and no one stepped forward until I said "Hello!? Can somebody give me a hand here",  then several men approached quickly and helped pull this guy up.   If the train had come I would not have risked my own life, I don't think.

    Another reason this affected me is that Tina Louise played the role of a lesbian.  I was still struggling with my own sexual identity and I projected heavily onto this,  wondering how she could do such a thing,  if she might really be a lesbian,  and shocked that I was seeing this on television and that someone would be open about it....

    I wish I had been with Kitty Genovese,  or had seen or heard her screams.   I like to think I would have been the one to have called the police, of course there was no 911 in those days,  but with thirty two minutes,  all involved said she could have been saved.

    I sat long in the night a that Long Island Rail Road Station reading all about the murder of Kitty Genovese, and envisioning the whole scene.  Finding where the body lay.  Where it was violated after death. 

    A man approached me offering me a ticket into the city.  Strangely I didn't want it.   I thought he was going to try and sell it to me but he said "okay" and left on the ticket machine for someone to take.   I already had my subway pass and wanted more walking around before leaving,  seeing where Kitty may have parked her car,  shopped or eaten, taken her laundry or had her hair done...

    I so hoped to experience the ghost of Kitty Genovese and walked slowly away to the cemetery a few blocks up from Austin Street, to Leffert's Blvd.   Although Kitty is buried near the home of her family in Connecticut,  I stood by the locked cemetery wishing, yet never actually willing, to go inside,  hoping to see a spirit, until a shiver ran up my spine and I began to quickly walk toward the subway.

    This is what happens when you visit the site of a well known murder.
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November 22, 2012

  • Thanksgiving Morning and Journals I Threw Out...

    It's Thanksgiving morning and I woke up with a headache.   It's not so bad.   It is the first time I will go out and see the Macy's Parade live after a lifetime of seeing it on television.  This is only because it is not cold.

    People are coming to have dinner with us.  We are going to a restaurant.  We wanted to go to The Boathouse in Central Park where we went last year but it was booked up very early this year.   We are going to a steakhouse instead.

    The people we are taking are not people I care for but I won't go into it...

    Last weekend I spend the day shredding old journals from the early 80's.   All they were about was my old boyfriend and all of that up and drama,  over and over...    it was bittersweet...  I shredded about 10 journals, I've been an avid journaler since my teens and have suitcases full of them.  Little by little I have been destroying my past,  letting it go....   

    Releasing the early 80s was a good thing...   I certainly have not been the happiest of campers yet most of my turmoil has been internal...  It amazes me to re see how much I used to struggle... I still struggle but things have obviously improved over the years.... I would hate to revisit some of those bad times.  I have fear about the future in this respect, but nothing specific,  just bad times that everyone must face as the consequences of life...

    So why not see a parade?
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November 8, 2012

  • The Top 10 Racist Twitter Users Who Called Obama a Nigger

    Just thought I would pass this along;   according to an article @ Jezebel.com,   the names and identities of some of the top Twitter Racist reactions to our president being re-elected are:

    Ricky Catanzaro – football player at Xaverian High School in Brooklyn
    Lou LaDonna – football player at West Islip High School
    Kordie Girton – baseball scholarship to Indiana State University
    Addison Sykes – football player at Jackson Christian Jackson, TN
    Brandon Norrie – baseball player at Sickles High School Tampa, FL
    Michelle Brosam – soccer player at Rider HS Wichita Falls, Texas
    Cole Krut – baseball player at Beaver Falls, PA
    Demi Keely – pageant girl in Carencro, Louisiana
    Gabe Dutch – baseball player at Redwood HS Visalia, CA
    Stehl Taylor – hockey player at Central York HS York, PA
    Davis Moody – runner at Mill Creek HS Hoschton, Georgia

    You can see some of the vulgar tweets and the vulgar people who tweet them in this article.

    I checked out some of these people on Twitter and they actually do exist....  Then I did a little Googling about it,  it seems it's a growing topic on the Internet... 

    http://jezebel.com/5958490/twitter-racists-react-to-that-nigger-getting-reelected/gallery/1?tag=racism


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    The above is one example from,  Moriah Marks - mother to special needs child in ALVIN, TX
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November 5, 2012

  • After Hurricane Sandy

    Things must be getting back to normal for me after the hurricane. I went to see a musical show called Closer Than Ever because someone had extra tickets.

    I still have no internet and am blogging by cellphone. We were lucky that the water, the East River actually stopped next door. We were the only building on our block with power but no hot water, heat or interner. Now we have heat and hot water. We've had an electric heater so it wasn't so bad.

    I didn't realize how terrifying it was to see the East River breach its banks and nearly reach 2nd Ave.
    Our neighbors in basement apartments were flooded out and lost everything...

    I walked around in a daze not knowing if I could go to work each next day, day by day...for a few days the television had little but storm coverage...

    I went to Starbucks for hours, and Barnes and Noble. To use the internet...

    I felt a sense of helplessness.... I didn't know what to do....

    Little by little I learned of friends and colleagues who lost a whole house, then another, most of a house and both cars washed away...

    On Friday I took the train half way to work and walked the rest, and sat in cold doing nothing in a powerless office, offering my skills if needed...

    On Saturday Astor Place Haircutters was open again so I got a much needed haircut.

    Looking back, and on Sunday...I feel guilty for not helping more.... for not rushing down there, or even to my neighbors aid....I did ask one neighbor if she needed anything or if there was anything I could do...

    I just felt so frozen... I know I will help financially with my colleagues and friends and I plan to donate money but I really feel that I acted selfishly and could have done more to help people...

    I don't know why I am having these guilty feelings..I cannot lift things or carry things because of my arms and back. I was afraid of further injuring myself...

    I'm having a guilty morning, I feel like a crumb...

October 27, 2012

  • I Woke Up Screaming.

    I'm under duress and I know it.    I tried to get a ton of sleep,  going to bed at 8:30 and taking Benedryl which always knocks me out.

    I fell asleep.   I have had a restless week,  not sleeping well...  I need more sleep.  Not getting enough sleep is detrimental to physical and mental health.   At this time I especially need more sleep and something I prefer not to say has counteracted my system and I am adjusting to the stress.

    I dreamed I was approaching my niece's apartment.  The door was open,  things were kind of in disarray.   As I approached the door,  it started to slam in my face,  literally nearly crashing into my face with such force that I had to defend myself against it and raise my arms.   It fought me,  I tried to push my way in as whatever was behind the door tried to close it on me.

    A terror rose in me,   all of my primal fears were behind that door and my fear of facing them grew as I pushed the door open,  trying to get inside anyway.  I awoke in a powerful blood curdling scream that I am sure woke the neighbors.   

    I got out of bed and looked at the time, it was 12:01 AM,  my heart pounding....    I did not sleep well the rest of the night.

    Earlier in the week I dreamed I found a skull in the woods.  I was holding it up examining it. 

    I am concerned about my thinking and mental duress in this week.      Outside stresses have added to everything.  I have been unable to attend functions.

    Today is a function I need to attend to earn CEUs,  and I am going to have a hard time ,  if I am able at all, to go....

    I need to sleep for 8 hours unbroken.... I will try again tonight...
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September 22, 2012

  • The City Dream

    I notice patterns in my dreams,  the same location.   I have been having dreams all my life, each dream in a specific location and I have recognized a limited set of locations that have changed and evolved over time.

    This is a city,  it is a street in a little village area somewhat like Bleeker St. in NYC yet like like a little street in hills of San Fransisco as well.   There is an apartment there that I have lived in.   You turn a corner and it is on the corner on the left.  It is on the second floor.  At times it has been difficult to get to,  having to climb the side of a wall to enter,  to have it being renovated and under construction.  At times I have lived there.  At times I have stayed or just visited a man who lives there or stayed while he is away.

    Last night I turned the corner to see the window and doors all boarded up.  I wondered what happened. 

    There are always parades and festivals in this part of town.   There are shows and arcades and movie houses down the street.  

    I am with a friend.
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September 1, 2012

  • On a Positive Note

     
     I just wrote a whole post on having a free 3 day weekend and feeling good about not having much anxiety and feeling relaxed and summer, with iced tea, the only conflict whether to be staying here and picking up, paper work ,attending to stuff that really needs attention,  plants,  the floor , dishes, bills, my literal desktop, dust, dirty bathtub and toilet, hand washables at the coin-op, putting away both clean and dirty laundry, taking the latter to the wash and fold.....

    Then I lost the whole post... It was detailed and lengthy and apparently not meant to be,  I accidentally, while dicking around with www.last.fm,  clicked the x at the top of the browser and lost the post... so here is the replacement, different but the point being, upbeat, post:

    I am feeling fine and happy,  sad the summer is over,  have one more week with only 2 days of work in it before the real daily grind starts up again...

    Going to water my plants, it's hot and dry and they need it,  pick put the apartment while listening  to

     http://www.last.fm/listen/user/pognyc/personal   

     

    ..then go have lunch,  take a package to the post office and see how my day ends up without a pre planned schedule... that would only cause trouble on a day like today.

    What are you doing on your Labor Day Weekend ? 
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