osubennettboy86's Xanga

Hmmm...

Sun, 29 Jul 2007 00:27:13 GMT

Wow. Xanga, huh? Long time, I know. Been busy.

I don't really know why I wanted to write. I just finished watching Premonition and it effing pissed me off.

I'm just kinda here right now, not feeling like I have much of a purpose. I don't want to do this grad school thing. It's terrifying me... Really. I don't want to fail.

I feel like a failure right now and I don't know why. I know grad school is a good thing but I just feel like I graduated with everyone else and yet I'm still here and everyone else has moved on. I love this place... but could that be a bad thing? Could staying hold me back?

I'm just really scared right now. I've always had a direction in my life - until now. Now... I'm horrified.

"So... I'm graduated."

Thu, 14 Jun 2007 09:35:56 GMT

I know it's been a month since I last posted but I've been busy, aight? I'm really only posting cause I'm dubbing shows at work and that leaves me half an hour to do whatever in between tapes...

I graduated. Can you believe it? Fastest three years of my life! Luckily, I'm not going anywhere, but I'm happy to have it behind me. The day was amazing and I will miss everyone that's moving away... But life right now is great and I'm having a blast!

I've started two new jobs since my last post - one as a communications person at the OSU Alumni Association and one as the morning director for TV-31's Morning Editing in Stillwater. I like them both, but probably the alumni job more. I get to write for STATE Magazine and meet a lot of amazing people in Stillwater. I also get to produce videos for them and work on the website. I've met some wonderful new people whom I know already will be lifelong friends!

Not much else is new... I work. A lot. The director job requires me to be at the station from 6:00 to 9:00 a.m. Monday through Friday. That nearly killed me the first week but I'm doing pretty good now. I'm usually at the alumni job from 9:00 until 3:00ish, depending on the day... I think the best thing I've discovered about writing for them instead of the O'Colly is 1. I get paid by the hour and not the piece and 2. I DON'T HAVE TO TAKE IT HOME WITH ME! That's the best part, mainly because I usually crash for two hours when I get home hehe...

Besides work, this summer is going to be very eventful. My 21st birthday is FINALLY coming up in July! First one to graduate... last one to turn 21. Jennifer's wedding will also be in July as well as a trip to Georgia in early September to see OSU play the Bulldogs. There also might be trip(s) to Vegas and/or Minneapolis mixed in there somewhere...

I guess that's all for now. Facebook me if you're in Stilly and want to hang out!

"The Real World."

Wed, 25 Apr 2007 23:07:11 GMT

Wow - a lesson in the real world even before I graduate college. What's the news?

IT SUCKS!!!

Yup, that's right, sucks more than a Hoover. Sucks more than ou. Sucks sucks SUCKS!

I went to the funeral of the fiance of one of my JB friends today. He was 24 and died in a car accident Saturday night. This young, bright girl, who graduates in just one week, who had prepared to spend the rest of her life with this man she had been with for five years, is now alone. Why? I don't know. SUCKS!

I can't comprehend her pain. I can't comprehend her loss. I can't comprehend having something like that happen at such a transitory point in your life. It makes me sick.

I hurt for her and I hurt because I'm not ready to graduate. I know, I'm staying, but still. Tomorrow, I will sit through my last undergraduate lecture. After tomorrow, I won't have any more classes with Sharone or Becca or Kiley, and it's freaking me out.

I'm not ready. I'm just not ready.

"Home Stretch."

Mon, 23 Apr 2007 19:31:05 GMT

I was doing ok until today. I'm graduating; I know it, but today it hit me. We were watching the last episode of Cowboy Connection titled "Finished." Some of the guys put together a very sad ending that showed all our pictures and names and made us all want to cry.

I know I'm going to be here for graduate school but I just can't believe I'm graduating already. My entire life - literally - has been based on this moment - my graduation from Oklahoma State University. The last three years have been the best of my life and if I could hit rewind and relive every moment, I would. I'm excited for what the future holds but I am very, very reluctant to move on.

What I'm going to miss most are my JB friends. Not all of them are graduating, but some very important ones are, and I'm not going to know what to do when I don't see their faces in the hallways. I've gone through the program with them, through awful classes like Media Law and crazy ones like Video Production. I've learned with them, laughed with them, cried with them, even drank with them, and I'm not ready to say goodbye. I know I'll probably be in tears from the moment I see them all in our black graduation gowns until way past the ceremony... I just don't want to say goodbye.

This little state university in this windswept northern Oklahoma town is heaven on Earth. I wouldn't trade my time and memories here for anything in the world. This is my home.

"Two weeks."

Fri, 20 Apr 2007 19:45:16 GMT

Hi. It's me. I'm procrastinating. Senioritis... It's bad.

I hate my Sexuality in America class. HATE IT. Our final is to write a paper (a lecture) about several different topics. The paper is suppose to be what we would say teaching a class over the topics - a full 50-minute class. Do you know how long that paper's going to have to be for a verbal lecture 50 minutes long?!?! HATE IT!

That's really all I have to bitch about. There was a lot more but I bitched about it on the phone and it's all been fixed so yeah.

I'm ready to graduate. I'm ready to start working at the Alumni Association. I applied for a position at KOTV that I am fairly confident I'll get, so I'm excited about that. I'm just ready to get there!

Random OSU Pic of the Day:

Progress.

"A writer?"

Sun, 15 Apr 2007 00:43:11 GMT

Sometimes I stop and wonder why I'm doing what I'm doing. Yes, I'm pretty sure I want to be a director, but I still write... and write... and write. My new position with the Alumni Association is to write. And I enjoy writing and reporting and asking questions.

But then I can open a blank entry page for Xanga and know that I have so much to say - and the page will sit blank for half an hour while I conjure up what I want to write. Why?

I think I'm afraid to write everything about my life. Everything that I know to be true; everything that's in my head; everything that's in my heart. I'm afraid to write it because once it's out there, it's real, and I have no power over making it real or make believe - although not everything written is real.

Not everything we see is real, either. I just watched Mona Lisa Smile. Yes, I'm gay, but it's a wonderful movie. "Do you smile to tempt a lover, Mona Lisa? Or is this your way to hide a broken heart? Many dreams have been brought to your doorstep - they just lie there and they die there. Are you warm? Are you real, Mona Lisa? Or just a cold and lonely, lovely work of art?"

Take a snapshot of yourself. Look at your smile. What's behind it? Can you tell if you're happy or sad from a smile? Why do we still smile if we are sad? Again, if we frown or do anything out of the ordinary, the cold piece of art becomes real. But if we smile - no one knows.

I know he's not happy, but he kept smiling. I kept smiling. I wanted us both to be so happy. I thought I could move the world to make us both happy. But I can only write about the comedy of errors that befell us and even that takes half an hour to prepare for.

Those women with powerful jobs - do you think they ever go home, fall into their husbands' arms and burst into tears? Do you think that they believe society sees them as powerful while they see themselves as weak? And the strong women who say they don't need anyone for support - only themselves - do you think they mean it?

I've done a lot this year. There have been awards and certificates and a lot of hoopla. Everyone has congratulated me and told me I'll go far but I don't care. The one I wanted to hear it from the most never spoke. But he spoke volumes in remaining silent.

I was proud of him but he wasn't proud of himself. I didn't feel proud of myself, and he never seemed to care. It can't work that way, I've discovered... You each must be proud of yourselves and proud of the other for it to last. Otherwise, your tireless efforts will go without reward... even if the only reward you ever wanted while a nod or a smile.

I don't want to go through the next two years alone. I admit it - I'm weak. I need someone for support, someone with a strong arm to wrap around me, someone who knows and understands my life, my career, my goals, and knows how difficult it is to get there. I'm tired of doing this on my own.

What happens on May 5, 2007? Am I officially an adult? Does a college degree mean that? I think I have learned more about myself these last three years than I have about broadcasting or journalism. I've learned enough to know that I'm scared beyond belief. It's cold and ugly outside sleepy little Stillwater. But I know staying here forever will doom me to an equally unattractive fate.

They tell you to enjoy your childhood, but none of us listened. They tell you your college years are the best ones of your life, but none of us listened. If only they'd been more persuasive... If only I had been more desirable... If only this, if only that, if only I had never been gay.

The world's a lot tougher when the rules you seek out are locked away and hidden. That's if they've been discovered at all, which is the real question. Nobody teaches you how to be gay or how to be a homosexual in a heterosexual world. And you're different - but you're not suppose to be. You ascribe to be similar - but you know you don't want to be.

It was easier to blame being single when I was in the closet. Then, I blamed the closet. After blaming the closet came blaming high school. Once I graduated high school, well then the flood of queers would hit in college and I would a slew of them to choose from.

Finally, you blame the college. You blame the midwest, the Bible belt, the town, the university, the culture, everything.

What if I should have been blaming myself all along?

"I can taste it."

Sun, 08 Apr 2007 20:30:39 GMT

Graduation. I can taste it.

A relationship. I did taste it, thought I was going to taste it again, fucked up, now I dunno if I'm going to taste it again or not. It was delicious too...

10 Things Learned in College:
1. Talk. Ask questions. COMMUNICATE!
2. Pull the stick out of your ass and enjoy yourself... a.k.a. drink.
3. Skip in moderation.
4. Meal plan and bursar are your friends.
5. You can knock the JB building all you want... but it's still right next to the Union - and the food. Refer to number 4.
6. I really am making "lifelong connections."
7. The years do fly by. Finishing a year early doesn't help that either...
8. Procrastination can be your friend - but it's liable to bad mouth you behind your back.
9. Dorm life = unlimited hot water. How cool is that?
10. You can go three years and not have a single boyfriend that goes to your school.

I think the last one disappointed me the most. For some reason, I expected this sleepy Poke town to be a gay mecca and there would be HSGWMs (hot single gay white males) running around all over the place. Yeah, not so much...

I've come to the conclusion that I'm dating wrong. Or I'm dating the wrong people or I'm not dating right or something. I've had three loves and I've managed to run them all off - bad enough that one doesn't even speak to me anymore. Maybe instead of a masters, I should get a bachelors on dating. What department is that one under?

I'm still a stupid kid. A piece of paper isn't going to change that. I don't know what changes that. Hopefully, something at some point will change that. Until then, I guess I'll just have to watch myself a little more closely... "Go sit in timeout, Chase!"

"Greetings... from the couch."

Sun, 01 Apr 2007 20:49:56 GMT

I'm sittin' here with the girls waiting for DH to come on. It's summer outside! Ok it's spring but it was 80 degrees and BEAUTIFUL today and I enjoyed six innings of a baseball game until I realized I had to write a story for the O'Colly ... but we won 10-5 over Baylor and swept the series. Yay for baseball and yay for being reminded how many cute boys watch baseball games.

Yay for that. Boo for two things - graduate school and Sexuality in America.

I'm behind in both. And I haven't even technically started graduate school - I'm just behind. There are essays to write and the GRE to take. Seriously... is there any professor in that building that wouldn't let me in the graduate program? If you have your undergrad from the school, it should be an automatic in for grad school. Someone make that a rule. Now.

Sexuality in America. Thought it was going to be a great class... ended up being Sue Johanson in the body of Wilford Brimley who repeats himself and assigns 100 pages of reading a week. A WEEK. I don't fucking have time for that and I REALLY don't have the "gumption" to do it either. Stupid generic upper-division required electives.

Oh a high note... I CAN NOT WAIT to start at the alumni association. Melissa gave me the grand tour Friday and introduced me to a lot of people and I am SO EXCITED!!! First off, I get my own desk and computer and phone number and key card! It's going to be a hard job, but it should be very rewarding. And I'll be surrounded by orange-loving people. That's the best part!

Is it sad that I could see myself getting a good communications job at OSU at staying here for the rest of my life? Everyone else seems to want to graduate and get the hell out but I don't want to leave. I dunno... how could anyone not want to be a part of this university and this atmosphere?

I'm in...

Monday, March 26, 2007

Mon, 26 Mar 2007 20:57:30 GMT

Countdown To Chase's Graduation

"I wish I could."

Sat, 24 Mar 2007 01:02:47 GMT

Not "I do." "I wish I could."

Tonight at Starbucks, I learned of a close friend's plans to get married. Then, I learned of two other friends from high school who are already married or planning to. This is in addition to the two other others that I already knew about. What upset me the most wasn't the fact that they're getting married, it's the fact that the guy I thought I someday somehow might be able to ... dumped me.

I still love him; I still care for him; I still want to be with him. My life has not been simple this last year of my undergrad, and for three months he made it bearable, even happy. Now, I feel rejected and alone, graduating and starting on a 2-year graduate track that promises to be nothing but depressing, lonely and hard.

I understand his reasons. I understand the problems we had. I just wish that reconciliation was on the horizon and that we had a chance. He cites our numerous differences, and I can understand that, but our differences are what make us unique and special. I know being in a relationship for him isn't easy, and I know I am not the easiest person to be in a relationship with, but I did everything I could and put forth every ounce of energy I possessed to make it work and make it happy.

I am left to wonder how any relationship can work when I did everything I possibly could - and yet it failed.

I am also left to wonder what the next two years of my life will be like in Stillwater without him. It's a fact - Stillwater is the shittiest place on Earth to meet a good, descent gay. This whole fucking state is bad, actually, and yet I've resigned myself to my beloved alma mater for two more years. My life is the definition of a love/hate relationship.

Enough ranting... Spring Break has been good. I managed to drive to and from Minnesota (10 hours each way), have a good time with Greg and his friends, bring back a shit-load for my apartment, and spend some time with the family. I'm going back to Stillwater tomorrow because I've got homework to do and I have to get some graduation stuff rolling (like announcements) and fill out some paperwork for grad school.

Five weeks of school left. Six weeks from tomorrow, I will be graduating.