Ryo come back home !

Yesterday I talked to Ryo lol I realized how much I really missed him . Hes so great LoL He made me laugh and think alot last night . He is a dedicated person who is trying to achieve his dream. I wish I had the kind of willpower he has , but talking to him gets my hopes really high . I want to improve everything that I can before he gets back because I want to show him that I too can achieve something that I want . Hes still in Japan and even though I would be in pure paradise there lol he watns to come back to America as soon as possible. I guess he has lived there all his life so he has a different view of it than me. He still thinks its nice but to much stuff is going on behind the scenes . LoL We were playing Smash Bros online with eachother to . Me and my 2 brothers took turns playing against him and his younger brother .. and well lets just say we lost alot haa haa They are Really good! Especially Ryo he plays Snake and its damn hard to kill him LoL . But It was funny that way because in those rare instances when we did win LoL we talked a whold buncha crap LoL. He said to me OMG you really are American because that is the American way to Brag LoL! Haa haa After that is when we talked on phone or computer mic. We talked for almost 3 hours I think LoL its funny because we start to talk about the past the present and the future LoL it somehow changes everytime we talk so I never get bored.He will be returning here in about 21 weeks ( yes we count down the weeks ) and he will hopefully stay here forever . I really miss him alot its like my family is missing a person when he isnt here ..thats about the only way to describe it . If you want to know more about him he has his own personal blog .(its in the top right hand corner of my site) its really fun to read and he is going to make it big in Hollywood no matter what we have to do  ^^ LoL I hope you can give him your support as well lbecause if anyone deserves to be famous it is him .Ive never meet a harder working person in my life . With him hes not stuck up or thinks hes better than anyone so he is really a one of a kind guy . I feel really blessed to meet him and I think its maybe a bit of destiny if you believe that stuff . We have alot of things or experiences that just happen to connect in a wierd way LOL its a bit scary haa haa but Im soo glad to be a part of his life when something big is happening . I sit here now waiting and looking at past memories that we all had together . It always puts a smile on my face and make me think to myself Ryo Come Back Home!! ^_^

P.S. Dai got me this really nice orchid . I love flowers soo much so Thank you Dai !! Youre always going to be in my life forever .. I promise.

I let myself down

I realized just today while looking in the mirror that I have gotten really out of shape . My stomach isnt flat like it used to be . My face is round and my body just feels so heavy lately .. I guess I just let things get the best of me . I eat when I get depressed or bored and I know thats not good at all. I dont excersize . Even my job I just sit all day only to go home and sit some more . I have to get in shape . I dont want to be this big the rest of my life . If I dont start now Ill never do it . I have to change .. I want to change .. I will change. I hope if you gusy have any great tips youd share them with me please . I am thinking about joining a gym just to get that extra push that Im spending $ so I will be motivated more to do it . ahhh Ill post before and after pics hopefully soon so I can track how im doing on here . Wish me Luck .. I dont want to let anyone down anymore

..

Toripo

Today my bird died.. he was a baby that I found outside by a tree. His other siblings were dead except for 1 who I also bought home but he died from his injuries They had to have fallen from the tree because it was a tall tree and they maybe died when they were on the ground.. they couldnt fly . The bird who lived I named him Toripo . He was really cute and he was so young that I had to feed him by my hands . At first he was scared of me but after that he liked me alot because I would always hold him in my hand . It was warm so he would fall asleep in my palm and I would just hold him for maybe an hour everday just so he could sleep then I would put him in a warm cage but he would always try to jump back on my hand and he would cry alot when I put im in there but after he would curl up in the blankets and he would sleep . Usually I gave him some water before he slept because I knew he got thirsty in this hot weather , He would lick the water WoW it was soo cute I was so happy because also when I held him he would rub his head against my fingers and nibble on my palm .. I loved it so much , I felt like a parent haa haa . I know some of you wont understand this but its hard to describe how I loved this small bird Toripo .. even though he was a bird I still loved him like he was my special family memebr who I took care of . Everyday before work I would tell my mother ohh please dont forget to feed him and give him water ^_^ everyone knew I Was so in love with my little bird .. but today he died .. my mther said he was having a hard time breathing . after she feed him . She feed him some bread stuff but I knew he didnt like it because he always spit it out when I fed him so I knew what he liked to eat .. my mother didnt realize I guess and she feed him . I dont blame her because she was really sad when I got home she was crying and said ... im sorry but he died .. I didnt know how to feel .. I was so stunned because just this morning I saw hm sleeping with his little head in his wings and he was sleeping and I touched his little head and said " I love you Toripo. Ill be home soon ok . Then Ill hold you ^_^" but I didnt know those would be my last words.. ohh I feel so sad now . I know its just a bird but it was still a life that depended on me .. I feel like I let him down and its my fault he died .. I hate this feeling . I wish I could hold my little bird now .. I saw his body and I held him for maybe 10 15 minutes i was hoping hed wake up or cry for me to feed him .. but he never did .. I miss you Toripo  im sorry ...  I know Ill see you one day again ..

Rest forever in my heart...

I miss my grandmother .. its been keeping me up these past days.. She passed away last year in November just right before Thanksgiving . She died in front of me on her bed in the hospital. I guess its coming back to me really bad now. I sometimes lay in bed against with my back against the wall and my head in my knees crying .. I really miss her . Ahhh life is hurtfull and I feel so much pain . I dont know why I cry still , I guess she meant more to me than I realize. I think people I take for granted mean alot more to me now. I have to find what it is I want to live for . I need a purpose what is it ?? I guess I can only find that myself . I miss my friend Ryo ,I miss him so much it hurts.I am in love with him but im scared  , Dai stayed with me for 2 nights . We slept together and I cried in his arms . I love him much more now. Im so confused I dont know who to love . Im confused so much  sometimes I think its all under control but its not ..ahhh my life is really something else.  I need to be stronger .. I need to be more loving .. I need to get myself back on track .. Please if u read this dont feel sorry for me im not writing this for pity .. I just need to express my feelings somewhere. I ...I.. I dont know . I consider myself a smart person and it confuses me as to why this gets to me soo much . I dont know why I have the need to be loved .I thought love was just sex before and I learned my lesson I hurt alot of people so maybe this is my punishment ? My torment. I need to go out to the beach or somewhere where I can just sit and enjoy my life for what it is . When it comes down to it the cause of my sorrow ......

..is Myself..

>_<

Ahhh Im getting bored and I cant seem to sleep . Ive had alot on my mind lately . ...

I miss alot of people.