our_finest_year's Xanga

grey's anatomy is my freakin life

Wed, 20 Sep 2006 18:23:55 GMT

just thought i would mention that. season premiere tomorrow.

who knows if my mom will let me watch it though, since i've been in the hospital since sunday and i have like, a bijillion tons of work to make up. i can finish a lot of it tonight though.

while i was in the hospital i lost like 6 lbs, YAY.

sabrina the teenage witch is coming to ABC family, aka isabel loves life.

hahahhahaha dont you love that the only things i care about are my weight and TV?

oh and the fact that i need a relationship. because i need....well, you know. ahem.

gotta buckle down on that homework.

i love you

Fri, 15 Sep 2006 17:10:42 GMT

to death.

i know you, inside out. and that scares you because you spent your whole life working to fence yourself off, to isolate yourself from everyone else. and then i came along and blew that all away. only now your life is falling apart and you're doing your best to keep anyone from seeing. but you cant hide anything from me, even if you hate me. im trying so hard to accept that this is not my issue, not my problem, and therefore not my concern. and im not going to talk about shit with anyone, ever again. im just going to keep this all to myself, because i cant do anything else.

but i hope you know that at some point, you have to make a decision. boundaries don't keep other people out, they fence you in. life is messy, that's how we're made. so you can waste your life drawing lines or you can live your life crossing them. but there are some lines that are way too dangerous to cross. here's what i know. if you're willing to throw caution to the wind and take a chance, the view from the other side is...spectacular.

"The early bird catches the worm; a stitch in time saves nine. He who hesitates is lost. We can't pretend we haven't been told. We've all heard the proverbs, heard the philosophers, heard our grandparents warning us about wasted time, heard the damn poets urging us to ‘seize the day'. Still sometimes we have to see for ourselves. We have to make our own mistakes. We have to learn our own lessons. We have to sweep today's possibility under tomorrow's rug until we can't anymore, until we finally understand for ourselves what Benjamin Franklin meant. That knowing is better than wondering, that waking is better than sleeping."

so maybe i made a mistake that you consider unforgivable. but even the biggest failure, even the worst most intractable mistake beats the hell out of never trying.

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Tue, 22 Aug 2006 22:15:31 GMT

oh the agony of needing to be two places at once.

im good, things where i am are good. its just that, i need to be somewhere else too. dammit.

my heart is ripped in half.

Monday, August 14, 2006

Mon, 14 Aug 2006 22:56:15 GMT

im sorry school starts WHEN? its weird to be going back to st. andrews.

im trying so hard to accept the end of my relationship with L. its not working.

i havent really been writing a lot on here. i dont know. life is all about dancing around in your underwear making cupcakes and getting chocolate everywhere and eating all the pink frosting before you can ice the cupcakes. there are a few things im working on getting under control (my weight....) but other than that i am happy. yes, thats what i said. there are few times i have been able to mean that. but right now i am in the town that i hate with the people i hate and the rules that i cant adjust to, far away from my best friend and my real friends and my not-really-sort-of-almost-ex girlfriend. and yet strangely enough, i am still happy. guess that means im really past the hard times.

pink icing makes the world go round.

Sunday, August 06, 2006

Sun, 06 Aug 2006 22:44:23 GMT

wow life is crazy.

im losing weight and it feels great.

im happy. sort of. yaaaay.

up up and awaaaaaaaaaay

Mon, 10 Jul 2006 00:19:33 GMT

to do:

lose 50 lbs.
get the love of my life to start talking to me again.
wait for A to come back from camp and rescue me, wait for winter to come so i can hide in my long sleeves (cough)
try not to be depressed and...fail, inevietably.
try to get over myself and hope the world can do the same

my life is fuck.

natch.

my hopes are so high that your kiss might kill me

Sat, 27 May 2006 15:00:49 GMT

on this weekend: i HEART wearing pretty dresses and looking hot and running around ceremonies and receptions in heels. affirmation last night was kickass and graduation this morning was beautiful. kinky06 we're going to miss you!

on the coming week: two days of school, one day of cocurric and two days of exams and then i am so out of here. tuesday, my last class day, is going to be so so sad. yes, i am sad about leaving SJ. but i know that even if "its not the same", we'll always be friends and we'll always keep in touch.

on waldemar: SIX DAYS LADIES! its hilltopper year and we're set to take the world by a storm. its gonna be amazing and im gonna cry when we have closing ceremonies! this place has meant so much to me over the years. im not gonna know what to do without all my girls. <3

on another note (keeping secrets): i fell hard for you and its unlike anything i have ever felt before in my entire life. in all the years to come, i will consider you my first true love. i am desperately afraid of leaving you. last night after affirmation when i was upset and you had seemingly dematerialized, i went to talk to someone i had considered a friend of mine. i needed someone to listen to me, and she wasnt doing that at all. she was being selfish and i realize that its not her fault that she's fucked up, but i am not mentally equipped to be someones psychologist. lately, in most of my relationships i feel as though i have been giving and giving and giving and my friends take and take and take. i get caught in these moments where i bounce consistently back and forth between wanting to cut and wanting to binge eat and there is no one to listen to me except you. with the two of us its...perfect. and while i understand that if this isnt meant to be the end of us, it wont be, i cannot stand to think back on us and remember you as the one i lost. so on tuesday we'll embrace, and i know that at least one of us (cough, me...) will cry. thank you my love, for being more than i asked for and everything i deserve. for allowing me to be stable, holding your hand, because all we ever needed was each other.

---> it well may be that we will never meet again in this lifetime, so let me say before we part that so much of me is made of what i learned from you. you'll be with me like a handprint on my heart, and now, whatever way our stories end, i know you have re-written mine by being my friend. who can say if i've been changed for the better? but i do believe i have been changed for the better and because i knew you, i have been changed for good. <---

and all at once the crowd begins to sing

Tue, 23 May 2006 11:15:36 GMT

im leaving madeira a week from friday. thats basically 10 days. 9 days, even. and im pretty sad about it.

mostly im sad to be leaving you. i dont know if im going to be able to do it, i swear. its like that dream i had about the rain. now that i look back on this, i see that i should have fought harder for you. i should have been a more useful and supportive person instead of always leaning on you. i would have given everything up for you in a heartbeat- but telling you wasnt good enough. this, here, is my not so valiant last ditch effort to tell you that i need you. i love you and you know that, and i may be leaving now but this is by no means the end, because im willing to fight with my dying breath for this. its that worth it to me.

and all at once the crowd begins to sing
sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same

im crying tears of blood for you.

bittersweet

Thu, 11 May 2006 19:35:24 GMT

goo goo dolls.

live.

in the rain.

there has never been a more incredible experience. ever.

but leaving you is gonna be hard.

the OC season two is my life.

for all intents and purposes

Sat, 01 Apr 2006 15:00:01 GMT

its been sunny and warm in the district lately. it made me happy cuz our coach is on vacation and we didnt have practice, so my best friend and i spent all of friday afternoon outside getting tan and watching the lacrosse game. i painted my toes sparkly orange, too.

if the worst sin of all was betraying others, what about people who lied to themselves?