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| My Dream Last Night I went around this hospital and there was a walk out basement and my grandpa was walking around the building to the back and I was driving a car and he wanted to get into the hospital to steal some sort of paper or something. I parked the car so that we could drive away fast. For some reason my grandpa thought that there was no way to get out, that it was a suicide mission but I was sure that we could. So we went into the building to do our thing.
I cant remember how I got there but there was this underground society that when I went into the basement of some place, perhaps the hospital and there descended this girl. This dungeon like basement was filled with all men and it was as though they were trapped, even though I walked down a set of stairs which lead right out. But nonetheless, they were trapped.
When she came down they all wanted her, assumed for sex, and I thought that they all were going to rape her right there, but they didn’t. They had this dice that they would roll to see who got the girl. It seemed to me that this is how they lived their life and made their decisions, all based on the outcome of th rolling of this dice. Now this dice had a special side, I think it was a picture of a flower, and if it landed on that side, who I took to be the leader of this underground society would then decide whoever it was being rolled for would be stoned to death. They decided to split the group of men up in two groups and roll the dice and whoever got the higher number would them move on and then that group would split up in two and so on and so. The very first roll landed on the flower and so everyone was waiting for the judgment of the ruler. I thought this all was a little harsh and so did many of the people there. Many of the men were like come on, let’s move on, you know we’re going to be pardoned so just roll for the other half already. But for some reason the ruler decided to have them be stoned. For a second everyone didn’t move but then the 2nd half all grabbed stones and went after them, all but one man.
I asked this man why they do this. He said he didn’t know. He also told me that there was a way out, two ways out actually. One way was how I got there, the obvious stairs right at the front, and the other was the way they all ran at the end of this cave. He said that many people that were thought to be stoned actually just left by that way. After that I decided to get out of there and went back upstairs.
There was this party or something going on and I can’t remember why but for some reason I decided to talk about the underground society and I started to say something but the man that didn’t stone anyone was there so I stopped and asked him if it was okay to talk about. I cant remember what he said but it was toward the affect that he didn’t want me to say anything but now that I did I had to finish my story in a way not to let them know but so that no one would ask questions to what I was saying.
We then started watching this TV thing, perhaps on u tube, of all these kids that were running and they were wearing costumes that looked like bog foot. All these kids were on skateboards were racing. There was a couple other kids just chilling at the finish line and whenever anyone would go over the line they would pull the line up and trip them and people would go flying. They did this once and them somehow I went into the TV to watch and the TV became my reality. Then the kids went again. Just like last time, they all fell, all but the first three or four kids. Then there was some older kids who were in the race and they fell but they fell on purpose and made a big show of it and so I got disgusted and left.
Then, for some reason we were watching a movie or something or maybe it was just after that but we decided to go to this small store. While there, I told Josiah that we should get some weed but he was like no. I asked him why, you don’t have any problem with that, you tried before with that crap we thought was weed, but he was still like no. I was like okay, lets just get candy.
The store had these huge bags of candy for 2 for 3 dollars with your Kroger card or $7 a piece without. This was a good price I thought and so I tried getting my friends to buy some too and so they all were.
Right before he got done picking what we were getting I saw Lisa (my ex-girlfriend) and Julie (her best friend) in the store buying something. I then started hurry, trying to get out before Lisa would talk to me but she talked to me anyways. I told her to go away.
I then got my candy and was out of there but Ben didn’t have card so I gave him mine to get the candy and left before Lisa would get to the line but she did. She had started smoking and was buying a pack of Djarum Blacks. I was like, what the heck, you don’t smoke but she said she did. I remember thinking, “You’re only doing this to try to teach me something and show me what its like or something.”
The whole time I was trying to get her to leave me alone but she just wouldn’t. it was as though she was trying to get back together with me. I remember her talking about getting smoking breaks but I knew she didn’t need smoking breaks cause she wasn’t a smoker or at least she didn’t smoke enough to me addicted and so I knew it was all fake and she knew nothing about smoking and I was mad at her for that. So I went out in the parking lot and I got into a van that I thought was ours and started it. Lisa was fallowing me but this time, though I was still trying to get away, inside I wanted her to get in the van so that I could talk to her more and have her be dumb to me, but at the same time I didn’t really. I was conflicted. I wanted to be cool again but my anger from what she did wouldn’t let me.
I then moved the van to the front of the store waiting for my friends to get out but when they did they went to this jeep and left and then I realized that this was Julie’s van.
Julie and Lisa drove separately. Lisa still had her big ugly van.
So I got out of Julie’s van but I didn’t want Lisa and Julie to know I was left behind so I parked the van pretending I was just bringing it for Julie. Then I was trying to think how to get back to the house. It wasn’t that far but it would still be like half an hour walk. As I was thinking about this, my friends came back with their jeep thing and picked me up and we went back to the house.
Once at the house we were all chilling there but Josiah was packing and I was like where are you going. He said he was going to this place. I can’t remember where, it was like Florida or something far away. I asked him why and he said to change a tire. I was like that seems like a huge waste of time just to change a tire, why don’t you guys just get someone already there to change it. He showed me a list and on it said who all was able to work on the trucks but the list only had 2 people on it that were checked for fixing cars: Josiah and Michael. As I looked at the list it grew and more and more people were being checked. Then I stopped looking and that’s all I can remember.
| | |
| Yeah, this is really long so you all don't have to read it if you don't
want to, but I think there's some good questions there to think over.
I'm more just venting right now but it would be a dissapointment if no
one read it after I wrote the whole thing. You know?
So yeah, I don't get it. Why is it that non-Christians seem to accept
people way more than Christian? I don't get it. I'm getting so fed up
with it all. Everyone is so caught up in how they've been taught and
what is acceptable that they lose sight in what really matters. Right
now I'm feeling so alone. Not lonely, just alone in this world. It
seems that all the people who truly believe in God and want to live for
him don't understand certain things, and those who do understand,
they've seem to have lost their sight. Maybe I'm just confused and I
don't understand myself. What if certain things aren't acceptable that
I feel are? What if they are but those you would eve care if they are
all hate those things? I go to one and I get rejected, I go to another
and I lose what I care about. There must be others out there that think
like me, that don't hate this but still know how to love. Maybe there's
a reason. Maybe there isn't. Why do people think certain things aren't
right? Is it cause that's what they've been taught? Maybe they all hear
about how people's lives get ruined with abuse. The Bible says avoid
temptation, but what IS temptation? What's the sin that you are being
tempted into? Where is the line between enough and too much? Do we
really even think about it or do we just decided to go with what is
around us? To "Go with the flow." Sometimes I think we need to think
about it more, other times I think we should just say no, other times I
see nothing wrong. And it goes with anything and everything. Is it
wrong to search? No, of course not. Then why do we get told that it is?
Why is it looked down upon? And there are those that say it's not wrong
to search, but if you come to a conclusion that they do not agree with
they condemn you. I'm not trying to point fingers or say how everyone
out there is wrong. Sometimes I think the only thing that really
matters is if you believe that what you're doing is right. I mean, if
you think it's wrong and you do it anyways then you're choosing that
over Christ, but if you do not think it's wrong, then how is it? But
then sometimes I see everything as black and white and never changing
and that if we really cared that we would search and find the truth.
Then why do so many believers come to different conclusions? It would
seem that if everyone truly looked into things for the truth without
being an agendas or outside influences that we would all come to the
same conclusion, but we don't. why is that? Maybe we aren't truly
looking for truth? Maybe sometimes we just want things a certain way
and so we just sit there and grind our conscience until we don't even
have one. I know I do that. There are three types of consciences, all
of which are like a wheel on and always spinning axel and whenever
anyone's gets close to sinning or doing something they don't believe
in, it starts to hit that thing and does one of three things. First,
there's the type that is made of wood. Now this isn't just any wood,
this is nice wood, a cherished piece. The owner keeps it looking nice
and polishes it and does their very best to keep it clean and pure, but
then once they fall, and we all fall, and it starts to spin and hit
that deed, it shatters and they are devastated. At the time, they
either don't have one or they chose to rebuild it. The second is made
of metal. When this one spins into contact with something that would be
wrong in the beholder's eyes, it starts hitting whatever and clings and
clangs and throws sparks, telling the owner that something isn't quite
right and they back away immediately. The third conscience is made out
of stone. When this one starts to hit something, the bearer just
tightens his belt and clinches his teeth and wait for the stone to be
worn out and doesn't hit whatever it was before. If this person doesn't
do his best to stay away from temptation eventually it will be worn
away and will exists no longer. This is the kind of conscience I have.
It kind of sucks sometimes cause I end up getting myself into things
that I shouldn't. But oh well. I try. The bad thing about this though
is sometimes I need to think about things and ask myself if this is
just something I've grinded down or is it really not wrong. Most things
I don't believe are wrong but others I'm not sure. Nothing I do right
now I really feel is wrong, not from what I can see. I know I mess up
and then I know it's wrong, but things I do on a regular basis I don't
believe is wrong. But some others do think they are wrong. Why is this?
Is it cause of what they've been taught? I've been trained, through
both events that have happened in my life and those who have been put
in my life in an influence way, never to take things for what they seem
and what I hear from others, no matter who the other's are. I always
look into it myself. In most ways this is good but other ways it can be
bad if I don't have the wisdom to think about it correctly. But who
knows what is right anymore. Things get too confusing sometimes. I
don't really know what to think about it all anymore. From what I see
as right, others that fallow those things are often so wrong, and
things I see as wrong, those who do those things seem to understand
more, but many don't understand what's really important. Why do we
shelter ourselves? Why do we, as Christians, shelter ourselves from
this world and so don't understand what has been made into a worldly
thing by ourselves? It doesn't make sense to me. Maybe I should just
stop talking. | | |
| -Will I? No...I Hope So...Maybe Not-
So if you lay here long enough maybe you’ll learn to blend with the covers,
If you pound your fists too hard maybe you’ll learn to hit much softer,
If you try to stay too far maybe you’ll learn to stay much closer,
And if you try to run too fast maybe you’ll learn to walk much slower,
So you don’t stay up pondering the perils of this life,
So you don’t give up when they are giving you that strife,
So you don’t cut up when you are holding back the knife,
So you don’t give up, never giving up again,
So if I walk you back to your house will you ask me to come in,
Or will you be too scared of loving and too scared to let this begin,
Will you try to make excuses for the times you always sin,
And when you’re sad and lonely will you try to force a grin,
Smiling, down on me,
Sitting there, watching me sleep,
Smiling, fearlessly keep,
Watch over me, over me,
So if I tell you that I love you will you echo my words back to me,
If I try to let you go through life will you promise me that you won’t leave,
If I show you what is true and I can tear down the conspiracy,
Will you admit that it was never there and show me now that you can see,
In the morning if I try will you let me hold you tight,
When I’m scared of falling backwards will you tell me it’s alright,
If I let you down and make you fall will you not give up the fight,
And wait up until morning chases away that pitch black night,
If I shave your head and bash your face will you still come back for more,
Will you stay with me forever may we be so rich or poor,
Will you be my very best friend even when your beat and sore,
Will you stand up for what you believe when you believe it to your core,
Will you keep the bad things out and let all the very best things in,
Will you give me all you have even when you’re running thin,
When the winter ends and summer comes with candles made of tin,
Will you light them all and dance with me with a fire lit within,
So you don’t know yet if you know how to fly,
So you don’t forget all the things that made you cry,
So you don’t admit of the times you wished to die,
So you don’t give up, never giving up again,
Smiling, down on me,
Sitting there, watching me sleep,
Smiling, fearlessly keep,
Watch over me, over me,
| | |
|
-The Prologue-
You see that there’s hope,
You know you can make it,
You know you can feel,
If you only can fake it,
So pack up your thoughts,
And hold your tongue,
You know it has ended,
But it just begun,
So tomorrow’s a new day,
Is that what you see,
No need to remember what could never be,
Do you fear for the unknown,
And live for the rest,
So you go to bed hoping that you’ve done your best,
And he’s not what you thought he’d be,
It’s not what you make believe,
But he holds your hand and tells you that it’ll be alright,
And your friends they all love him,
But no one can see in him,
Anything could possibly be hidden from sight,
And there’s not,
Not even one thing,
The pastors adore him,
And all love how he sings,
But you wait,
For the lover to come,
Hear his footsteps approaching,
His shadow in the sun,
So this is the prologue,
Of the rest of your life,
Did you think it had ended after that fateful night,
The story’s not done,
No it’s only begun,
Maybe if you will let it it will still be some fun,
And he’s not what you thought he’d be,
It’s not what you make believe,
But he holds your hand and tells you that it’ll be alright,
And your friends they all love him,
But no one can see in him,
Anything could possibly be hidden from sight,
He will be your shining knight,
The lover that’s pure, you’re satellite,
Maybe not who you thought he’d ever be,
But he’ll love you forever and ever and ever ever ever ever,
And he’s not what you thought he’d be,
It’s not what you make believe,
But he holds your hand and tells you that it’ll be alright,
And your friends they all love him,
But no one can see in him,
Anything could possibly be hidden from sight,
| | |
| And so she left. But when I say she I mean he for it was in real life a man, or should I say boy. That was all he was, a boy. And he left. He left not because he wanted to but that he, and this time when I say he I mean she for in reality it was her, didn’t care. She lived in her dream world and would not leave it. He could not enter that dream land though. She didn’t care to bring him, though she might have said she did. She didn’t try to bring him with her. To bring him with her that meant she would have to let him in, into her mind. That was all far too close for comfort. Too wrapped in her life and her works she was. Didn’t have time for him. But that’s okay now. He has found another way. Such a sad story though. | | |
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